Desert Island Part 1

I've resisted doing a "Desert Island" list forever, but I got the craziest one yesterday. It's so long and detailed, that I think it would be the best desert island ever. If you take all the little details into this, this is more like a medium sized town, not an island. I'd go there tomorrow, if it was set up like this! Here we go....

1. If you were stranded on a desert island what five foods would you take? Keep in mind that you have enough water and you will have all equipment and ingredients to make whatever you choose.

a)Pickles- but I hope I don't have to make those.
b)Chicken rice soup
c)Steak- but only if I don't have to kill the cow
d)Rice
e)Caesar salad

I'm figuring there's seafood, so lobster, crab and shrimp were all left off.

2. What five beverages would you take? Once again everything you'd need to make the drinks how you want is included.

a)Dunkin Donuts coffee
b)Simply Apple juice
c)A & W Root Beer
d)Champagne
e)Simply Orange juice

3. What five people would you take with you?

a)Beaker
b)My mom
c)Mike
d)Dave
e)What's a party without a clown?

4. What five musicians would you bring?

a)Nikki Sixx
b)Jack White
c)Boy George
d)Kevin Junior
e)Courtney Love

5. What five bands would you bring?

Assuming that the previous five musicians would bring their own bands....
a)the original Guns N Roses
b)Heart
c)Aerosmith (under strict orders not to play anything past Done With Mirrors)
d)The Black Crowes
e)Hanoi Rocks (although I doubt the island is big enough for them and the members of the Crue)

6. What five musicians discographies would you bring? Keep in mind that a a musician would cover all of their bands, and anything new they released would be added.

a)Boy George
b)Jack White
c)Stiv Bators
d)Nikki Sixx
e)Courtney Love

7. What five band discographies would you bring?

a)The Ramones
b)The Black Crowes
c)Nirvana
d)Marilyn Manson
e)Guns N Roses

8. What five single albums would you bring?

a)Mother Love Bone-S/T
b)Chris Whitley-Living With The Law
c)Nine Inch Nails-Pretty Hate Machine
d)Def Leppard-Pyromania
e)Hanoi Rocks-Self Destruction Blues

9. What five soundtracks would you bring?

a)Purple Rain
b)Singles
c)Return Of The Living Dead
d)The Nightmare Before Christmas
e)Songs In The Key of Springfield

10. One cd. Five songs of your choice.

a)Burden In My Hand-Soundgarden
b)Good Vibrations-The Beach Boys
c)Magic Man-Heart
d)Looking For A Kiss-New York Dolls
e)Need You Tonight-INXS

This thing goes for 45 questions, so I'll split them up. I take no responsibility for the phrasing of these questions, I didn't write them.

Actually the music questions although detailed were really difficult. There was so much good music left out. Oh well..hopefully some of the people on the island (so far..more join later) will bring what I couldn't.

Later-
Me

Welcome To The Goodtimes Baby!

I thought I took meds to keep from being bipolar! I've been alternating between being elated over things happening and miserable about other things. I guess that's not bipolar, it's just my world is full of weird stuff these days.

CRUEFEST!!!!!!!! CRUEFEST!!!!!!! CRUEFEST!!!!!!!! CRUEFEST!!!!!!!!!!!!CRUEFEST!!!!!!!!!!

Nikki is playing twice in one day! Got my tickets!! This is the summer tour I wish I could deadhead on. I'd love to see this show every day for the whole summer, but I'll settle for one blissful day of Nikki!

What a great summer. Nikki, more Nikki, Boy George, The Red Sox, The Raconteurs and Buckcherry. It doesn't get sweeter than this. I'm thinking George reads this, because I got the wish I begged for all over this blog....he's singing. 'Bout fuckin time!

Found a new blog I'm digging these days. It's short, but I figure if people could wait over a year for me to update this at one point, I can hang around.

Advice for the day.... never type and listen to Guns N Roses, the typos here are staggering. I'm much too anal to let it go, so I have to read everything five or six times to make sure I didn't miss any.

Getting a little screwed up over the crap I keep playing with in my head. There's a light at the end of the tunnel..here's hoping it's not the train. There's a decision to be made, and eventually I have to make it. I'm getting very close, but it's not easy. My overanalyzing everything is not helping. Keep all your fingers crossed,in the lucky way, not the religious way.

Later-
Me

Life Experiences Part 2

These were left as a comment on the first Life Experiences and I liked them, so here you go. Thanks Zac!

(x) Lied to someone you love to protect their feelings
(x) Used a Ouija board
(x) Eaten something so spicy you thought your head would explode
(x) Been hit by someone who claimed to love you
(x) Wet yourself (Or worse) in public since the age of 7
(x) Stood up for someone
(x) Saw someone naked who you didn't have a crush on, only to later develop one
(x) Been stung by a bee or similar bug
() Had hot coffee in the lap
(x) Opened a soda that someone had shook up

In other fun news...I got Boy George tickets! He's singing!! I wish it wasn't because he probably needs legal fee money, but I don't care. Boy George...not as a dj..all singing!!
And I hereby solemnly swear that I will write a minimum of once a week from now on.

Another Post That Mentions Nikki Sixx

Fuck. It's been almost 2 months since I did anything here. No, that's not true, I started 2 posts but deleted them, because they weren't relevant when I got back to them.
I've got a bunch of stuff on my mind, but I haven't untangled it yet. So, I'm going to go easy on this one. It's a plain list of the most influential bands or musicians in my life. Enjoy...


1. Motley Crue. Nikki Sixx is in this band, need I say more? No, but I will anyway. Motley gave a release valve to the rage I had bottled up when I was younger. They also gave me new rage when Vince killed the drummer of another band on this list. The effect of Nikki Sixx on my life has been dissected here endlessly, so I won't go into it again, but that effect makes them the absolute top influence. Nikki wrote the songs and and was chief dictator, so essentially he IS the Crue. There would have been not Crue without him and I wouldn't be who I am without him and the Crue.


2. The Rolling Stones. I remember lying in the bathtub and my mom put on an album and I just started screaming "Who is this?" It was the Stones, and I fell hard. They were my very first music obsession, and oddly it was Brian Jones who was my first Rolling Stone love. Dead rock star love started with Brian and continues to this day. I eventually drifted into loves of Mick and Keith ( both when they were young and beautiful), but Brian still holds my heart. I loved how easily they mixed the rough bluesy stuff with the sweet Ruby Tuesday type things. I also learned from them a lesson that would in handy in later life. Don't expect a guy to care much beyond himself. It's an odd lesson to take away from a band, but it's one of the best lessons I've ever learned and I use that lesson every single day. My roots start in the Stones and every band I ever loved is somehow wrapped up in those roots.


3. The Ramones. Thank God for The Ramones. It's something I do quite often. I don't even want to picture a life where they never existed. It's bad enough that Joey and Dee Dee are gone. What it comes down to is if there were never any Ramones or Crue, there would be no me. It's just that simple.


4. Hanoi Rocks. The second blonde singer I ever fell for, Robin Zander was the first. I had to work to hear Hanoi. I'd known of them before Two Steps came out and way before the Vince Neil murder of Razzle, but when I finally got hold of their music, I never let go. The only hatred I have at all for my friend Kevin is that he got to see Hanoi, and in Berlin no less grrrr. I think Hanoi is the only band on this list I haven't seen. I might be wrong, but if I am, I'll edit that line out so no one will know anyway. The worst of Hanoi was the best of so many bands who came after. They are just that good. Andy McCoy, for all of his insanity, although everyone in that band is certifiable, is just one of the most underrated musicians. Once I pushed my way past the delicate beauty of Mike Monroe's looks, and the fantastic strength of his voice, I discovered the intricate melodies that Andy put together and his rock solid arrangements and was just amazed. I still listen to something Hanoi almost every time I listen to music.


5. Heart. Ann Wilson can make me cry, and has many many times. There is no voice like hers and through her I learned the power of what music can do. I heard Dreamboat Annie when it first came out (yeah I was really young) and that was my first exposure to the power of music and how it influences you and your moods and I learned to use that power very quickly and it's still where I get a lot of my strength. Thank you Ann.


6. Boy George. He was the epitome of so many things that I loved. His voice is the standard to which I compare all other male singers. Most don't even come near it. His album Cheapness & Beauty makes me want to find him and slap him around until he agrees to put out another like it. If you haven't heard that album, listen to it, just once. I promise you will understand why his decision to stop singing makes me want to kill him. You don't have to like Culture Club to love that album. While we're on the subject of Culture Club, I love good pop music, guys in makeup, and someone who can really sing. George nailed it. When all the girls in my class were arguing over who was cuter, Simon LeBon or Nick Rhodes, I was cheerfully arguing that Boy George was a much better singer than anyone out there at the time. If I got sucked into the Duran argument, my answer was always John Taylor, but then I'd go back to fighting the vocal talent fight. I still agree with myself.


7. Guns N Roses. Appetite gave me hope for the future of music. The aggression and odd sense of hope that drips from that album is still some of the strongest I've heard. For awhile that band was the perfect collision of people. That comes along so fucking rarely, we should all just appreciate the hell out of it, because we're not going to see it again for a long time. Axl could sing his ass off and looked pretty damn good in a kilt. Slash and Duff were the perfect foils for each other and the band in general, and Izzy and Steven and Gilby and Matt just worked too well, especially Izzy. I've seen every variation of GNR that has toured and even without anyone else, Axl can still rock any of the old songs. I love Axl and always will. I cut him slack on everything.... just because he's Axl.


8. Prince. Astoundingly talented. Prince has left me speechless a few times with some riff or turn of a lyric. The guy is just a genius. I can't say enough, so I just won't say any more.


This could go on a few more, but this is just way too long. Write your own reasons for Chris Whitley, early Aerosmith,Freddie Mercury, Johnny Thunders (especially him, since I don't really know why he's influenced me, I just know I buy his stuff when I get upset. I have a large collection), Tommy James, Courtney Love, the Bee Gees, Jack White, and Jeff Beck. For all you smart asses, I am 100% aware that Stiv Bators is NOT on this list. I didn't forget him, he just wasn't as influential as others.

later-
Me

You'll Be Missed

I Want Democracy

First, yes I am perfectly aware that I didn't title yesterday's post. It was just a quick observation, so I didn't bother to title it.

Today is a short and sweet post. 2008 wishes. For music. No personal thoughts whatsoever, except relating to the wishes on this list. I'll do a few more of these the next few weeks, but they won't be personal. My personal wishes for 2008 are just that, my personal wishes. This list is actually in some sort of order.

1. Chinese Democracy. Come the hell on already!!!! Yeah, most of us already have it, but still.... I'd like to be able to PURCHASE the damn album already.

2. A new Raconteurs album. Icky Thump was ok, but Broken Boy Soldier was amazing and those guys need to get together again. It's most likely not going to happen in 08, but I can hope.

3. Boy George needs to realize that he needs to really sing again. The whole dj thing is over and that man has a voice that deserves to be shared with the world. Cheapness and Beauty was a beautiful album and Boy needs to remember that his voice is his best asset and use it.

4. The Living Dead Lights disc needs to take off. All the other stuff I've heard from Alan Damien was pretty good, and he deserves the break.

5. Sebastian Bach's new disc needs to sell zillions, just so we can all remember where we came from. Bon Jovi going country just proves we need Bach back.

6. The Black Crowes should forget the whole jam band thing and go back to writing the great music that they used to.

7. Nikki Sixx should be named God. Ok, never going to happen, but I can hope.

8. I can't wait for the new Courtney Love album. I don't care how she releases it, just release it already!

9. I want to find a copy of Point Blank's Nicole. I had it once, but, it was lost in a computer crash.

10. Lots of good concerts from good bands! I want to see some shows this year!

Later-
me

I really wasn't planning on writing today. I don't have much going on, and I don't feel like babbling with no apparent point like I normally do. My mail doesn't get delivered to my house, so I go get it when I remember. Today there was something in there that just made me laugh.
It was a wedding invitation from someone I used to work with. To be completely honest, I don't even remember the person all that well, but that isn't the point. What struck me as funny was the invitation itself.
It looked like a normal invite, until you opened it and in big bold letters it said, "Please do not attend this wedding unless you have a good outlook on love and romance. We do not want our special day spoiled by bad vibes from our guests."
So, I chucked it. I have a good outlook on all that, but I can't promise to have a good outlook on that day. Anything can happen between then and now. I also thought about what would happen if someone accepted the invite and then was widowed, can they still go? Or what happens if a couple gets in an argument on the way, over directions or something else stupid, do they have to turn around and go home?
I know weddings are special days, but I was mildly offended by the amount of narcissism in that statement. Isn't marrying the person you love enough? Does looking out into the sea of faces ( and since they invited me and I barely remember this guy it obviously will be a sea.) and thinking that someone may not share their opinion of love ruin that day? I've gone to a wedding completely soured on love and romance, but was genuinely happy for the people getting married, and I don't recall spoiling their day. Shouldn't that be enough? Shouldn't you just be happy that these people showed up to share your happiness without telling them how to feel? All those who choose to attend, now also have to question their dates as well, to see how they feel about love and romance. I can just see that leading to some awkward conversations.
Is this some new trend in weddings that I've missed? I know there have been some strange new things that are now considered acceptable, but this just seems nuts.
Just wanted to share. No list....

later-
me

Just a quick update

According to most of the blogs I've been reading lately, I'm supposed to do some deep post on the new year or the end of the old year. That's not really my style. I could try, but it would sound really forced and fake, so why bother? I'd rather talk about things that I'm thinking about and since the new year isn't really much more than a change in the date I write on my checks, I'm not really thinking about it.
After a lot of going out in December, I've gone back to the comfort of seclusion. I got a lot accomplished in terms of things I needed to do, but I like hiding out a lot more. I was out one night and one bar led to another and I got to talk to someone who had crossed a physical boundary the last time I had seen him. I was a little bit scared, but then I went outside with him and we talked it out. I'm really proud of myself for forcing myself to be with him alone. I needed to do that, to get over the fear, and I succeeded.
I need to get out at least once in the near future, to see an old friend who I was talking about hanging out with one night this month. Neither of us is in a huge hurry to hang out, so I'll get around to it.
I'm truly enjoying the coziness of home. I've read some great books and caught up on a backlog of music I've been meaning to listen to. I was listening to the Faces box set the other night, and I remembered why I loved that band so much in the first place. I still have a huge backlog of dvds which is a great excuse to stay in for awhile, not that I've ever needed an excuse to stay in.
I have also been doing a lot of writing. It's a really remarkable feeling to be able to express things in a way that other people might want to read. There's been great feedback and I'm humbled by it in a way. Writing is a cheerfully secluded thing to do and that makes it even better for me. I enjoy being alone and just being able to take the time to work out exactly how I want to say things is a blast.
I've been also trying to quit smoking, but that has settled into just a dramatic reduction, rather than quitting. I've gone from over two packs a day to less than one. Seems like a good start, and by my birthday, I should finally have stopped for good.
The phone has been quiet as well. There's a few new people calling and messaging, but a few have dropped off. That's good. My best text message buddy has dropped, and I miss him, but my former favorite phone buddy is gone and I don't miss him, so I think that's balance of some sort. Maybe that's part of the new year thing, but since there is now occasional variations, it's good.
So, basically life is good and quiet. I know there's going to be drama soon, because there always is and life is weird without it, but for now, it's just a great time to soak up the peace and quiet.
I'll throw on a list of what was on my ipod while I was writing this, but not as a memory thing. I'll do a shuffle post sometime this week.

later-
Me

1. Bus Stop-The Hollies
2. I'm A Believer-The Monkees
3. You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record)-Dead Or Alive
4. (Love Is) A Bitchslap-Sebastian Bach
5. Brown Sugar-The Rolling Stones
6. Offend In Every Way-The White Stripes
7. Twist My Sister-Murderdolls
8. Over and Over-Madonna
9. Porno Star-Buckcherry
10. Frankie-D Generation
11. Parental Guidance-Judas Priest
12. Strip-Adam Ant
13. My Sharona-The Knack

More Email Gone Blog

This one was kind of fun and so I'm putting it here. Don't tell me you expected some sort of end of the year wrap up. I've got a few days left, but don't hold your breath.

1. What's the most annoying thing that's happened to you this week? Dealing with a problem with my cell phone.
2. What are the last five songs you listened to before the one you're listening to right now?
a) Safety Dance-Men Without Hats
b) Irresponsible Hate Anthem-Marilyn Manson
c) Malibu-Hole
d) Baby It's You-The Chamber Strings
e) Detroit Rock City-Kiss
3. What are you listening to right now? Dream On-Depeche Mode
4. What luxury item can you never get enough of? Good Champagne
5. What's the last concert you saw? I Love Rich
6. What's the last movie you saw? The Simpsons Movie
7. What's the last tv show you saw? Two and A Half Men
8. What's the last thing you ate? Caesar salad
9. What's the biggest misconception about you? That I care
10. What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Nothing, but Coldstone cake batter ice cream... I could negotiate.
11. What's the most unrealistic occupation you've ever dreamed of having? Teaching
12. Do you have plans for the weekend? Yes.
13. Do you have plans for New Year's Eve? No
14. Do you have OCD? Yes
15. Are you drunk right now? No
16. Are you high right now? No
17. Would you rather be doing something else right now? Yes
18. Would you rather be with someone else right now? Well, considering it's me and the cat right now, yes.
19. What's the best thing that's happened to you this week? Saw an old friend.. well kind of an old friend... someone I used to know. That was nice, didn't realize that I'd missed him until I saw him. I tend to forget the nice people I used to know.
20. What's the worst thing that's happened? A crazy phone call from someone I care about and a text message I can't explain.
21. Did you have a good week? All in all yeah.
22. Would you relive this week? If I had to, it wasn't that bad. I've had better weeks to relive though.
23. Would you live a week in your hero's shoes? Nikki? Hell yes!
24. Would you live a week in your worst enemies shoes? Don't really have a worst enemy, but if I did, sure... think of the damage I could do in a week!
25. Would you change anything that you did this week? Probably not. I didn't really do anything.

That's it. Like I said, that one was kind of fun.

Later-
me

You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory

If you take a memory, any memory really, and ask people who were involved with that memory, none of you will remember it the same way. I swear I have a fantastic memory, but what if I don't? What if all my memories are tainted with the way I needed to see them at that moment?
This is a mixed up post, but it's based on another reaction to the Heroin Diaries and a long conversation with a friend a few days ago. I used to spend a lot of time fucked up in one form or another, and now, reading that book, I wonder, if my memories of having fun and laughing, were my perception and I was actually hurting people or ruining someone else's good time.
I have a friend and a semi-friend who were very proud of their quick wit and intellect. But, sometimes they used that in a negative way. Sometimes they were bullies. I laughed at their antics a lot, so maybe I was one too, but that's not my point. My point is, how many times did they devastate someone , or spoil what might otherwise have been a great evening out.
I also have another friend, who is really a good guy at heart, who gets his kicks from seeing two people having a good time together, not PDA, as much as just talking, laughing and creating a connection, and he has to go over and break it up and talk the female in the duo into wandering away and hanging out with him. He's fun to be around, so the girl walks away with good memories of her night, but were those the memories she wanted or should have had?
There's another guy, rapier wit and amazing intelligence, who has spoiled many a night by knowing exactly what button to hit on someone. He's flawless at it and it's great fun to watch, but once again, do those people go home at night and think about all the things they did, or do they think about what he said. From some of the people I've talked to, it's the mean comment that gets dwelled upon.
In The Heroin Diaries, and The Dirt by extension, Nikki and Tommy did just that on a regular basis. They hurt people who got in the way of their fun. Or, they hurt people in the name of having fun. I know for a fact I've done that myself. I've done it to people I love, people who I like and people that I couldn't care less about. That's selfish, I know, and I don't much care, but I wonder what my memories look like on the other side of the table.
People paint me as so nice, but I'm not. I'm a bully in my own way. I'm demanding and bitchy, and I'm aware of it. Sometimes the insults pop out of my mouth before I have even had time to realize I've thought them. It's instinct, like it is with every person mentioned above.
I'm very similiar to the friend, semi-friend and rapier wit guy mentioned above, as well as to Nikki Sixx, and now, I wonder, how many people went home at one point or another stinging over something I said or did. I can't take it back, and wouldn't if I could, but it'd be an interesting figure to have.
Does this mean I'm going to be nice from now on? No. Does this mean I'm going to think before I speak? No. It just means I'm aware that I might be screwing up someone's evening and I'm ok with it. Does that make me awful? Probably, but I couldn't live with myself any other way.
But the memories that I carry of the special evenings out, that just fell into my lap by good timing and luck, I treasure. I love thinking of them and I'm sure I'll pull them out when I'm older and relish them just as much. There are the "Cone Of Silence" memories, when myself and a friend just sat and talked and were so intimidating, I guess, that no one would interrupt us. I love those memories, because they can't be recreated. Those nights just happened and I carry them in my heart always. People who wanted to spend time with me were hurt during the creation of those memories, but I wouldn't trade a second of them for anything in the world. I can't even honestly say that I'm sorry that I hurt those people back then, because I'm not. I was creating memories that I take to bed with me and dream about. Those were the nights that were pink castles and apple blossoms and fuck anyone who got hurt in the process.
My phone calls with another friend are up there too. I let bunches of people go to voicemail, so I can talk to this guy. We're just friends, but I get so much nourishment from those conversations that it's worth pissing a few people off.
There's another friend who I see way too rarely, but we keep in touch and go to lunch once in awhile that I've known forever and just knowing he's out there, thinking of me...stealing rocks from Anton LaVey's house for me, makes me stronger. I have so many fantastic memories of time spent with this guy that there isn't enough room to tell them all here. But trust me he's special, and I'm honored to have him as a friend.
To wrap up a mixed up post, which I did warn you was going to be mixed up, I'm just going to say, enjoy all your great memories, but try and remember that other people have memories too. Theirs might not be as great as yours.

Another Email Gone Blog

I got another one of those stupid question emails, and as usual I thought I'd share.

1. What color do you hate? Orange
2. What color do you love? Purple
3. What celebrity do you hate the most? Carmen Electra
4. Which celebrity do you love the most? Nikki Sixx
5. Do you believe in reincarnation? Sometimes.
6. Do you believe in God? Yes
7. Are you afraid of death? I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid of dying before I accomplish what I want to here.
8. Will you go to heaven? Hope not... a life of Satanism wasted on heaven would truly suck.
9. Would you eat a worm? In heaven? I hate disjointed questions. I ate one when I was a kid, so yeah I guess so.
10. Have you even seen a rainbow? Yeah
11. Do you know anyone from a foreign country? Yeah
12. Have you ever ran away from home? Not really, I just moved out.
13. Have you ever cried? Really stupid question, I'm human, of course I've cried.
14. Have you ever danced on a bar? Yeah
15. What's the last book you read? My Sister's Keeper and it sucked.
16. What's the last movie you saw? I Know Who Killed Me
17. Have you ever hit someone so hard they bled? Yeah
18. Are you tough? In what regard... maybe.
19. Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? Yeah
20. Will you repost this? On my blog yeah, but I'm not sending it to anyone else.

Ok, I've shared email stupidity. What fun....

Sixx Sixx Sixx

This post has been simmering for awhile, because it's very close to my heart and I wanted to be sure that I knew all my feelings before I got here.
I read The Heroin Diaries (I know..shocking) and have a lot of thoughts on it. This is part one of what will probably be an off and on series of posts about this book.
As I have said before many, many times, I identify with Nikki Sixx and I always have. This book made me understand more of why I do. We both have a lot of the same parent issues, we both are never satisfied with anything in our lives and we both lived with a giant hole in ourselves which we filled with evil, music, mischief, drugs and sex. Although he played music, and I mostly listened.
We both have severe psychological problems, which we both take medication to control, I think we're actually on the same one these days. We're both generally extremely antisocial, although immensely controlling of any room we enter and we spend a lot of time making sure we're near the exit. We're both dominant and manipulative. We're bossy and have to have our way and usually get it. We love and hate with a passion that scares us both and we're both overly obsessive. Hell, we even like the same kind of furniture and architecture.
Now, having said all that about a perfect stranger, this book opened a lot more wounds in me than it healed. Nikki is the only person I have ever idolized, and that makes me wonder just how narcissistic I truly am. I'd love to idolize someone that I have nothing in common with, but sadly, that didn't happen. I swear, if I won the lottery tomorrow, I would spend most of it on Nikki memorabilia...remember Sebastian Bach's house on Cribs..like that, but cooler. I'd have an entire Nikki room, filled with real stuff, not a signed magazine cover bought off ebay for a buck plus shipping.
Back to the book, his diaries for that time, the way he was feeling and the thoughts he was having, not about the dope, but about his life, his parents, the people he knew, I've been brain in brain with those same thoughts. It made me think harder and longer about things than I have in a very long time. I don't know if I would ever want to sit down and talk to Nikki, because I talking to him might make me realize some of the stuff I've locked in my head and since he insists on dealing with his crap, I'd be afraid I'd have to as well. I've followed in his wake for a long time, hair color, drink of choice, stupid shit like that, as well as some of the more serious things, that I keep coming back to dealing with things, as he's done and seeing if I come out on the other side as strongly as he has. But I'm not Nikki. I've always known that (one crazy issue down, a billion more to go), but I have a part of him in me and it's kind of cool.
The Heroin Diaries is one of the scariest books I've ever confronted, because after a few pages I didn't read it, I dealt with it, because I saw new and scary parts of Nikki as well as new and scary parts of myself.
I have a lot more to say on this topic, but I have to put it together. You'll read more on this topic a few posts from now. No list, there's already one on here.

If I Can Just Hear Your Pretty Voice I Don't Think I Need To See You At All

Off and on for years, I've had conversations with people about the sexiest singers. Not the sexiest looking, but the sexiest sounding. A lot of the people on my list are dead, which is just weird, but it's still an interesting thing to think about.

1. Marc Bolan
That man could have made the manual from my computer sound sexy. His voice is almost like a caress. There's something about his voice that I can't explain, but it gets under my skin like no other.

2. Michael Hutchence
Need You Tonight is still one of the sexiest songs I've ever heard. I dated a guy who sang it to me, just because he sang it to me. Michael Hutchence had a swagger in his voice that had a sexy edge, not a sarcastic one like Simon LeBon's for example. That guy knew he was sexy and that was in every note he sang.

3. Chris Whitley
Sincerity is sexy, and Chris had sincerity coming out of his pores. His voice was so gentle and moving that I actually can't have sex to his music... it's too engrossing.

4. Jack White
Finally, someone who is alive. His sexiness comes from his words. His lyrics are the words of someone who uses his brain and his heart when he writes and that's sexy. Someone who can strip his soul bare one second and the next be happy and romantic and the next be a sarcastic jerk. Wrap it up, I'll take it. Jack's a sexy singer.

5. Axl Rose
The jury is still out on whether he's alive, so put him into whatever category you want. I'm going to take a lot of shit for adding him on this list, but to me his voice is sexy. deal with it.

6. Andy Wood
Back to the dead. His ballads are so peaceful and gentle that it's like being wrapped in cashmere.

7. Stiv Bators
Lords Of The New Church era only. His voice had matured and hinted at the dark side..the lyrics were definitely on the dark side and we all know I love the dark side. It always came off that he knew something a little more dangerous, sexy, and fun and you should join him.

8. Josh Todd
His voice is just gravel, down and dirty. Totally sexy.

9. Dave Gahan
I just noticed this lately, mainly because I never really cared for the band, but his voice has a dark edge.

10. Scott Weiland
I have no idea why.

Over half that list is dead people.

The sexiest singers looks wise?
1. Old Axl

2. Jack White unless he has that stupid bowl cut

3. Michael Hutchence

4. Taime Downe. Have you seen him these days.... yum

5. Old Marilyn Manson
6. Jon Bon Jovi

7. Chris Whitley

8. Mike Monroe

9. Constantine Maroulis

10. Sebastian Bach from his Rolling Stone cover.... in those gold pants.

Don't Put Another Dime In The Jukebox

We all have songs that we can't listen to because someone or something has ruined them for us forever. Notice how those are always the songs we pull out when we want to be miserable. I think I have enough for a list, so here they are.

1. Photograph by Def Leppard
This song is the absolute description of a non-relationship I had. It's such a shame because I love this song so much, but now it's incredibly difficult to listen to. It's the song that will forever make me ache for THE ONE who got away. Also see #9. Same person, different song.

2. December-Collective Soul
This song started out so well. It was in a scene in a soap opera and I really liked it, but it became a song that reminds me of someone who got away.

3. I Want To Be Your Boyfriend-The Ramones
A really horrible relationship started with someone singing this to me.

4. Have I Told You Lately-Rod Stewart
I can't even own a copy of this song.

5. I Want You Around-The Ramones
Someone used to sing this to me every night. I still cry when I hear it.

6. The Speed Of Pain-Marilyn Manson
Someone dedicated this to me and I relive the relationship whenever I hear it.

7. User Friendly-Marilyn Manson
See Above.

8. Dying-Hole
It's the ultimate breakup song and it was the theme for an extremely destructive relationship. Still adore it though.

9. Think About You-Guns N Roses
"I love you best"....... speaks all says all

10. Wild Thing-Sam Kinison
I adore the original of this, but when Sam did this song there was a speaking part. "Somewhere someone, whether it was last week or sixth grade, someone broke your heart! What was her name?" I was sitting in a room with a bunch of my friends, the majority were guys and almost all of them yelled out "Wendi!". I haven't been able to listen to it since.

Later-
Me

Did You Ever Know That You're My Hero?

The word idol is thrown around so much. American Idol? Ummm...no... I don't idolize the chick who couldn't even read when she won or the gray haired Joe Cocker copy.
I know I idolize Nikki Sixx, but there are a lot of other people I respect tremendously. They all have one thing in common, they did things their way. They took the hard road the majority of the time and they came out on the other side, stronger and better. A few of them may have had it easier than others, but they still accomplished what they wanted on their terms. I don't idolize these people, but I admire and respect them and am grateful that I discovered them, whether they be musicians, athletes, actors, or just everyday people. There aren't a lot of everyday people on this list, because everyday people usually have to cave in at some point. So, for the sake of clarity, I'm just going to list the famous. So I guess the list is 11 people I respect and admire..in no particular order. Nikki will NOT be on the list as I just flat out idolize him. He is higher than everyone else on this list and always will be.

1. Kevin Smith
2. Boy George
3. Charles Barkley
4. Jack White
5. Axl Rose
6. Johnny Depp
7. Darius Kasparaitis
8. Courtney Love
9. Mick Foley
10. Joey Ramone
11. Manny Ramirez

These people are brave enough to tell people to fuck off, and live out the life they envision. A few, like Axl, Darius and Boy George have gone through some rough times, but they are still who they are and if you don't like it, they don't much care. What they all have is incredible talent in whatever they chose to do and I truly respect talent and ambition and a desire to be your own person. Individuality is what I look for in anyone I deal with in any from. If you're a follower, you're not my type of person. If your individuality is fake, I can spot it and that will drive me away. The weakest link on this list is Axl, because with the hair thing and the bad plastic surgery, he seems like a follower, but he coasts on his talent and determination.
I do what I want, say what I think and personally don't give a damn what others think, because it's a waste of time. Those who are meant to be around you will be, those who aren't will drop away and that's the way it should be. It goes to figure that I admire people who stand on their own and are honest.

Later-
Me

This is my odd to do list. Things I need to remember to take care of before the end of next month. This time of year gets clogged up with stuff, so, maybe if I write it out, I'll remember them all.

1. October 7th... The White Stripes show. Oops, no, that got cancelled. Cool, already one thing scratched off.
2. October 18th... Van Halen show, but that's super iffy, so we'll count that as scratched off too.
3. October 20th.... Sweetest Day. We don't really celebrate it, but my mom still expects some sort of remembrance, so maybe I'll get her a magnet. Not being cheap, she collects them.
4. October 23rd... Call my friend Boz and wish him a happy birthday. Easy enough.
5. October 30th... third anniversary. Figure out gift, which is harder than you'd think. My husband is really hard to shop for.
6. October 31st... Halloween. My favorite holiday. I will spend most of October decorating my house and buying candy for all the trick or treaters we don't get. I usually just buy candy we like, I've learned over the years.
7. Call my friend Shawn.
8. Call my friend Sil.
9. Call my brother.
10. Call my ex stepmother.
11. Nag my husband about calling his sister.
12. Call my friend Kathy.

That's about it. Super boring list, but it's easy writing.

Later-
Me

Another Random Ipod Post

It's time for another one of those free associating random play lists. I like doing these, because, hopefully, it pulls up something that I haven't thought of in awhile.



1. Money Changes Everything- Cyndi Lauper

Figures, I really like this song, but it doesn't really bring up any major memories, except being in school and insisting to friends that she had a better voice than Madonna. I'm still right on that one.

2. Effect and Cause- The White Stripes

This is a live version, and this is still too new, live or otherwise to have any deep seeded memories. I remember seeing them perform it on Conan, they did a good job. I really do like this song, though. It's one of my favorites on Icky. It does remind me that I never really reviewed Icky here... I'll get to it, maybe.

3. I Want You- Hanoi Rocks

One of my favorite songs off my favorite Hanoi album. I've listened to this song so many times over the years and it always makes me smile. It's a cheerful type of song, musically anyway. The lyrics are a little desperate, but the song is so strong musically that it just pisses me off at Vince Neil all over again. I also remember listening to this song with those huge headphones, turned up ultra loud trying to figure out this one word Mike Monroe was saying. It turned out to be whoo. His sax on this track is so great.... the new stuff is alright, but Mike and Andy are both so bitter and jaded now.... this old stuff is just the best.

4. Nightrain-Guns N Roses

Wow. Ok, memories from any song on this album are so strong. There's the overwhelming strength behind this song. I used to use it when I was nervous about doing something. Oh hell, I used the whole album for that. Throw on GNR and I could breeze through anything. There were also the times, hanging out with my friends where this song would come on and the whole room would just explode into song. This song would get played so much by my old friends that it's permanently embedded as a happy song. It's connected to some really great memories, except for the night we actually tried Night Train and man does that shit suck! I could and will do a whole post on Appetite someday, it's worth it.

5. Sanctified- Nine Inch Nails

PHM is in the top 3 of my favorite albums. It's usually in the number one spot, but there have been some White Stripes entries that have briefly hit the top spot. It's also my go to album for relationship angst. There are memories attached to this song, but there aren't any that are happy ones. This song pretty much is attached to any major breakup I've had since it came out. Listening to it now, without a break up going on, I'm just really enjoying it.

6. Pin Your Heart To Me-The Jacobites.

This song makes me think of Kevin Junior. He turned me onto the Jacobites and threw this song on a tape for me. The tape was some Hanoi stuff and then some other stuff as tape filler. There was an amazing Dogs track as well, but I loved this song. I asked him about The Jacobites one day and it opened up the floodgates on one of the longest music related conversations I've ever had. We were working together at the time at a record store that wasn't really busy and the conversation pretty much lasted all day. I had an enormous crush on him at the time, I think I've mentioned that here before, and therefore, whatever he said was of earth shattering importance, but when the crush faded..years later sadly, this song remained and I still think of him every time I hear it. The nice thing is there are no bad memories attached to Kevin so the song remains pure and I still love it as much as I did the first day I heard it. Except, the one on the tape, I'd swear is a different version that the one I have on disc now. I still have the tape somewhere, I should find it and double check...but I doubt the tape is even playable, even if I could find it. But I still have a version and still listen to it, so it's all happy stuff.

7. Little Red Corvette-Prince

I remember this song making one of my friends in high school cry because she just overloaded on the fact that this song was about sex. I was terrified to play the 1999 album for her, or anything he did before that. It still makes me laugh to think about it. I also remember dancing to this song with a guy I was dating and we were fighting through the entire song. That makes me laugh too. I was a huge Prince junkie and am still a fan and I just loved this song because it was just so much fun. I loved Delirious for the same reason.

8. Helpless-Metallica
This one has dark memories. Not dark as in bad, but dark as in I remember sitting around with a group of friends in my boyfriend at the time's garage and listening to this, with just one candle lit. It was really dark and that's what I remember, the darkness and the really simple fact that we were all just hanging out, there was no tension, it was completely cool and relaxed. the darkness in this scene was like another friend. No one needed to talk, we all just sat around and appreciated what was then a great cover by a great band. The good old days.

9. Wicked Sensation- Lynch Mob
I love this song, but the memory it brings is that tv show where they performed it live and the singer fucked it up so bad, George Lynch fired him when they got offstage. Wish I remembered what show that was. But anyway, great song, all full of energy and excitement. I miss songs like that.

10. Starry Eyes- Motley Crue
This song always seemed so cheesy. Especially knowing what we all know about the Crue back then. Nikki didn't have these feelings for anyone. I remember a girl I went to high school with who got pissed because her boyfriend wouldn't dedicate this to her. I was friends with the guy and he was so incredibly confused about. She broke up with him over it and the next girl he dated, he dedicated it to.

That's it,
Later

I'll Bet You Think This Post Is about You

I deleted a post today. I've never done that before. I just figure that no one reads the old stuff anyway. Today, after a lot of thought, I deleted the "Best People in the Dart League"post. I really didn't want to. Most of the list stayed the same, but there were a few people on that list who I've changed my mind about. Some who should have been rated higher, some lower, and a few who shouldn't have been on there at all. I can't say that I've really enjoyed seeing the sides of the people I changed my mind about, but I've learned so much. There's one person who still would have made the list even though he's seriously hurt me, and learning that wasn't pretty, but it didn't change what I knew of him fundamentally as a person. So, he stayed. The people who caused the post to be deleted, hurt me beyond repair. Oddly, maybe I'll stay friends with some of them, maybe not, but it's all made me look at everything in a new light. Rather than working in the editing, and the explanations, I just deleted the post. Sorry to all who were still on it and cared, but it was easier than using this as a forum to hurt people.
The point here is that people change, maybe. Some are stagnant, but for the most part, we change. I've changed and a lot of people I know have changed, and it's had an effect on my relationships with almost all of them. I've come to realize that I'm not all that proud of having the friends that I have. In some cases, I've learned that I don't even really like some of them, and have just been dealing with them out of habit. It's a weird feeling, but one I'm coming to terms with.
Things have been rough lately, and I'm starting to come out on the other side and wow, am I looking at things differently. It's refreshing and new. I'm trying to keep out of the darker sides of my life, not really looking too much around the edges, but all in all, things are cool. Except for the whole friendship thing. I'm working on that, mostly figuring out who is who and where everyone fits in. The realization that there are going to be people who just don't fit anymore is odd, but I'm dealing with it.
So, just wanted to explain the deletion and prove I'm still alive.

Later-
Me

More Crap Off MySpace

I remember when these came in email form....sigh...hate these, but this one is kind of funny and I figure people need funny after the last few. This is supposed to be a list of personal secrets, but it really doesn't seem that personal, it's just weird.

1. Middle name- Tiffany
2. Do you like it? No
3. Have you ever been in love? Yep
4. Are you still friends with anyone you've been in love with? Kinda, but not really.
5. Is there one who "got away"? If so, what's their name? There are 2 and I'm not giving names. They or people they know may read this thing!
6. Were you ever Homecoming King/Queen? Fuck no!
7. Have you drank until you passed out? Sure
8. Do you have a crush on a TV Star? Yep...Matthew Gray Gubler
9. Movie Star? Johnny Depp
10. Musician? Not sure...are we talking local, myspace local or national? Yes, maybe and yes.
11. Do you dream in color? Sure, unless I'm dreaming about Charlie Chaplin.
12. Do you have dreams about color? What the hell does that mean?
13. Do you smoke cigarettes? Yep
14. Have you ever tried to quit? Nope
15. What is the last fruit you ate? An apple
16. What's the last food you ate? Noodles
17. Do you faint at the sight of blood? No
18. Have you ever told someone you didn't love them when you did? In an argument maybe
19. Have you ever hit anyone? Yep
20. Have you ever seen a shark? Yeah...on Shark week, or those lame ones at the aquarium.

Ok..I cut nothing out of that...does that seem as weird and disjointed as it seemed to me? Oh well... give me some feedback...

Pretty Pink Houses For You And Me

Wow...some people are just never happy. My email was flooded today with concerned people, thanks, I guess. It was also flooded with the gossipmongers and people who just wanted to see if I'd offed myself yet. No, I haven't and I won't, so go to hell and your addresses have been blocked.
The mood here is blacker and colder than yesterday. That's ok. It's comfortable, like coming home. Yesterday's rant isn't a sign of an impending breakdown, it's a sign of a breakdown. I think I lived in this breakdown state for a very long time and then let down my guard, and now I'm back. All the people who loved the old me will probably be overjoyed that I've been broken again, because they think I'm so much more fun broken. But broken won't get me a pink castle or glass slippers, but I fit extraordinarily into broken shoes.