You Know I'm A Dreamer....

This past week has been a scary one. Bad things don't come in threes, they travel in packs. It's been a lot of ugliness that spins me back to times when this stuff was a daily occurrence. I have a friend in jail right now, I have another friend who stopped messing with needles, but decided that a couple more times for old time sakes wouldn't kill him. It didn't, but isn't that kind of irrelevant? I've had late night phone calls from people who claim they are dying. Are they? I have no idea, except to guess that we all are eventually, so who am I to question it? Another person from my past has died, with a lot of unresolved issues.
I always knew I'd never escape the darker areas of my life. I've always wanted to though. I daydream about a little apartment with a bedroom with carpet and a place to put all my books, so I don't have to freecycle a bunch every few months. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to have a house, but since I'm still pretty uncomfortable in large dark spaces, I'll stick with a little apartment.
Sometimes I wish that I never knew what drugs were like, or what it felt like to have sex against your will, or what it felt like to be alone and scared and not knowing what was going to happen to you. I wish I never felt the punch from people who were supposed to keep you safe. But I know all that way too well. I always kind of thought that it would be different when I grew up. Not when I turned 18 or 21, but when I grew up. I knew that wasn't going to happen at any preset time, but I figured that since I spent most of my life being responsible for one person or another, that there wouldn't be much growing up left to do. It's not any different because I'm still befriending the BBS and other people who are severely wounded in some form. I wonder what it would be like to be the one taken care of. My husband takes care of me in the financial ways, but emotionally, I'm still pretty much on my own. Most of my friends ( see the opening paragraph), still need someone to take care of them. As I have repeatedly said, I wonder what it would be like to have someone who listened and heard.
I miss a lot of people once in my life and a few who are on the edges of it. Like the guy from the last post. I miss him a lot and I have no idea why or how he became important. He's another Mr. Unreliable, so I doubt he'll be around much, if ever, but him being back, even marginally, makes me wish he wasn't. Now that I know he's around, not being able to see him is oddly painful. There's another wish...that the people I know weren't such fucking flakes.
The next post will probably be an ipod post, so I can finally do something easy and go back to doing a list.

Later-
me

It's Just A Jump To The Left...

What have I been up to lately? Living in a weird state of 1997/2001. I entered the Facebook time warp, but then it started to bleed out into other years. I reconnected with some people from my ugly past, pre1993 on Facebook, and after some soul searching about the open wounds I've been ignoring, I came to enjoy it. Then through a series of circumstances that couldn't be reproduced on a bet, I started reconnecting with people from 1997 and beyond.
1997 was the end of an era and the beginning of now. I split with my husband and met a lot of new people, including my current husband. But, he's not the point. Some people that I met in the beginning of 1997 and on are still heavily in my life, and some aren't. Then there are a few who were there, left, and came back, recently, now. Those are the ones that are the point.
There seems to be some unfinished business there. Not in a bad way, but friendships unexplored or relationships unnoticed. It's all very cool, but really odd. I blame it on the time warp week of Cruefest. That was a week of going out all week and hanging with the same people I was hanging with in 2001. A little taste of what passed for fun in 2001. Ever since then, there seems to be a revisiting of people and things from the past that doesn't show any sign of letting up. There are two people in particular that seem to be unopened gifts. One, I met in the worst possible way, that seems to be needing a friend and decided that I may be one. It's flattering and it's refreshing to deal with someone who has known me for awhile and doesn't judge me on the past me. The other is a bit more complicated. He's a person I've known was going to be important from the first time I saw him and I was right. We drifted away, but then reconnected recently, and we'll see what happens this time. Maybe he's not meant to be in my life, but maybe he is.
I'm not sure how much I like wandering back in time. I hate second guessing myself, and that's what this seems like. I know, what happens happens and all that, but it seems irrelevant to go back. It's going to happen whether I like it or not, but I wonder how it's all going to turn out. I also wonder why these people. There's no particular reason why they would be back around, but here they are, and I have to deal with it. I worry though, about the second guy in particular. He could do the most damage to my pretty little glass house, and that's a bit scary. friends of mine have already made comments about it, and it keeps me on my toes. Who knows what will happen in the future, but sadly, it all seems connected to my past.

Less Than Zero

A friend of mine did a series of posts on his blog about relationship injustices. He more than likely covered this, but it's my turn.

I don't have a lot of people I consider friends. There are a lot that consider me one. Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe not. I have one dearly cherished person who is flat out using me, whether he realizes it or not...you know who you are, and if you don't, I do.
I have friends, actual friends who I love dearly who are so wrapped up in their own things, that I hesitate before I try and try and try to call them. Eventually I get through, but most of the time, my natural defense mechanism is back by then and they probably don't understand that I was really upset in the first place. This doesn't make them right. Doesn't make me right either, just stating the facts.
This post is titled Less than Zero because I was thinking about that movie today and realizing that there are quite a few people in my life who are Julian. Then I watched it again and was sure that they are. No, they aren't whoring themselves out for their dealers, but they are the ones who you pull them out of the fire again and again and they give you the speech. You know the speech...this isn't a quote of Julian's speech, it's a variation on a theme. The "I love you so much, you're always there for me. Even when I'm a bad friend, you still care, even though I don't know why you do. You shouldn't care about me, I don't deserve it. I really really love you. You're the best! I promise to be better. A better person, a better friend, a whole new me." Until the next time, and there will be a next time. Some of those will be dead soon. Most, hopefully, won't be and maybe they'll catch themselves.
So, why do I do it? Why do I pick up these people time and again? Love mostly. If I didn't love them, I wouldn't do it.Even the guy I said was using me, I love to death. These people can be there for you though. If you catch them at the right time, they'll be there for you, but the right time is a split second. Miss it and it's gone forever.
As a reformed Julian/drama queen myself, I get so frustrated with these people. My life is pretty good, but not perfect. I'm not a handbook on clean and angelic living, but I do have things happen, when I need my pieces picked up. My core is strong enough that when that happens and the Julians are sleeping, getting wasted, or just disinclined to answer the phone, I can pick up my own pieces. Bully for me. I hate myself at times like those, because counting on a Julian is like loving a Broken Boy Soldier. They won't be there.
That's the catch 22. Surround yourself with Julians and Broken Boy Soldiers and you get to be really strong. Be really strong and all you will attract is Julians and Broken Boy Soldiers. It's a bitch, and unfair, but it's life. To every person their own life is the center of the universe, my own as well, but sometimes, you need to be the shoulder getting cried on, instead of the one crying.

Cruefest Review

Trying to strike a balance between my Nikki can do no wrong stand and reality isn't as easy as you'd think. I think I managed it. It's a little Nikki heavy, naturally, but all in all, it's a decent review.

Trapt-Didn't see them, heard good things.
Sixx A.M.- Missed the first song and a half, but there was decent crowd response and they sounded a bit too much like the album. I know the album is effect heavy, and it really showed. They were fun to watch, except when Nikki turned sideways and blended in with some equipment. I would like to see them to a full set though.
Papa Roach- Kinda saw them and they got a great crowd response. I recognized some of their songs, from bars I've been in, but nothing really stuck out for me. I wouldn't pay to see them alone and generally, they put on an ok show.
Buckcherry- Amazing crowd response. Ok, that said.... Now, excuse me kind Buckcherry sirs, are you aware that you had a second album from which there was a hit? The album was called Time Bomb and the hit was called Ridin. It's an excellent album and you should have played something from it.
I had a very hard time watching them. While they were great and I really do like them, the show itself was so formulaic that it kind of overpowered everything.
a)Open with first hit off first album. Check.
b)Play third hit off third album. Check.
c)Talk to the crowd about how much you like to drink and fuck,then go into song about drinking and fucking. Check.
d)Play big ballad hit off third album. Check.
e)Work the crowd "Hey Chicago, we really love it here". Check.
f)Play long extended version of monster hit with 2 Zeppelinesque covers worked in. Check.
g)Work the crowd while performing above monster hit. Playing to all the "Crazy Bitches" out there. Check.
Yawn. Good show, if I hadn't seen it done by a thousand other bands. This is in no way a bashing of Buckcherry. They have energy, talent and charisma to spare, but they should ditch the formula and just have some fun. I have all their stuff and will continue to buy it, but I'd like to see them not on the Fest circuit. They are much better than their stage show.
Which brings us to...... MOTLEY FUCKING CRUE
This is where it gets sticky. Having seen the Crue so many times, I saw the difference between this, a festival show and a normal Crue show. This was very badly spaced, and they kept throwing the timing off. Building up to a frenzy, then stopping dead. It wasn't like any Crue show I'd seen before, and while it was good, it wasn't great. It didn't fall into the worst ten Crue shows I've seen, it wasn't in the ten best either. Basically, it was a lot of fun and a great way to spend an evening and fuck it, Nikki was there, so it couldn't be all that bad.
I'm going to break this down into little bitty pieces, so get ready.
Vince. Is now taking singing lessons. Who the fuck needs a trill in Shout At The Devil? For VINCE (which really puts this on a pretty low scale), he looked good. Not bloated and he was moving around and seemed to be enjoying himself. He sounded better than he has in awhile (trill not included) and he kept up his end of the show pretty well.
Tommy. Didn't see much of him. Sounded good, sounded drunk, sounded like Tommy. His little performance with the Tit E. Cam was amusing, and one of the only two times he stepped out from behind the drums. The drum kit was huge and kind of blocked him from the crowd, which is just weird for Tommy. He played piano (of course) on Home Sweet Home (another manipulate the crowd moment, which I'll cover later), and he looked happy. He's Tommy, it's not all that complicated.
Mick. He moves! He plays! He occasionally smiles! It was great! It's always a comfort to look at that side of the stage and see Mick. There was also a lot of interaction between him and Nikki and Vince which was nice to see after all the years of infighting. He sounded fantastic and that made the show worth it for that alone.
Songs. They only played two songs off the new album, which is really nice. I hate having the new album shoved down my throat. In other towns they played other songs, but I can't review them, I can only wish they had played them. This was the first Crue show I have ever seen where I didn't hear "Too Young To Fall In Love" and/or "Too Fast For Love". Oddly I was bitterly disappointed by that. I don't need to hear Primal Scream or Same Old Situation, but they needed to play them I guess. The songs sounded great, they were just placed in such an awkward order that I'm thinking Nikki must have been doing something else when the set list was made. It seems to be a pretty solid set list from show to show. The other songs get put in to replace Motherfucker Of The Year if the crowd doesn't respond to Saints Of Los Angeles. They could keep the same list, but play around with it so that it flows a little better and it would be a great show.
Crowd and stage show. Typical insane Crue reaction. They really really really need to stop playing manipulate the audience though. It broke up the flow of the show and it's not really necessary, they're Motley Crue. I don't want to (and actually can't)say "Fuck you Sixx" and I don't want to hear that Detroit is a louder crowd. I don't want to play sit down/stand up games. I don't want to see the Tit E. Cam emerging from it's dressing room/ladies room, just bring the fucking thing out. I don't want to be offered a shot from a bottle of Jager from a man who has Hepatitis. I don't want to hold up my right hand and make motorcycle moves. I just want to hear some great music played by a great band. They don't need all these gimmicks, almost everyone there knew and loved them anyway. I'm assuming that maybe some of them weren't there for the Crue, so that's why I say almost. But in general, the only thing that truly manipulated me was the whole Home Sweet Home thing. That was the only song in the encore. They came out, Tommy sitting at the white piano, Nikki wearing a white hat and coat and all four of them played it together while images from their history played on the big screens. Although...who played drums? Tommy was at the piano. Intermingled with the images were scenes from the HSH video... coulda skipped that. Lots of pyro, one of which almost set Nikki on fire. Typical Crue show.
I seem to be forgetting something... let's see... Vince, Tommy, Mick, songs, crowd, stage show...what is it? Oh I remember (see, a bit of Crue like manipulation, not all that great.)NIKKI!
Nikki. What can I say? Nikki sounded great, looked great, except for the weird Quasimodo bass positions in the beginning of the show. Nikki is great, and considering he, as the President of 11-7 records, brought all of this together, I gotta be impressed. I wish he was above the crowd manipulations, he flat out was the worst offender of the day on that one, but he does know how to work a crowd in other ways. He was smiling (I think we need to thank Kat Von D. for that)and seemed and looked just fucking thrilled to be out on that stage. I tend to get very distracted by Nikki onstage, just because of him being Nikki Sixx, but this time he interacted with everyone, and I got to see more of the control he wields and the bonds with everyone. Mostly Mick. The weirdest interaction was when the new improved singing Vince tried to hit a note he used to hit back when the song was originally recorded. He was standing next to Nikki when he hit it and the look of astonishment on Nikki's face was hysterical. All in all, with the exception of the crowd crap, Nikki was, as usual, the high point of the night. He does need to take a closer look at the set list though, seriously.

Later-
me

Desert Island Part 2

Now that I can look at my last post without getting queasy, I decided to go easy on myself for this next one. These are the next 10 questions in the desert island email from hell.

1. What five movie stars would you bring?
a)Johnny Depp
b)Angelina Jolie
c)Sandra Bullock
d)Steve Buscemi
e)DJ Qualls

2. What five TV stars would you bring?
a)Matthew Gray Gubler
b)Charlie Sheen
c)Vincent D'Onforio
d)Hugh Laurie
e)Gary Sinise

3. What five sports figures would you bring?
a)Charles Barkley
b)Manny Ramirez
c)A.J. Pierzynski
d)Darius Kasparaitis
e)Phil Hellmuth
If one of those can't make it then Antonio Esfandiari will fill in

4. What five movies would you bring?
a)A Christmas Story
b)Purple Rain
c)The Crow
d)The Usual Suspects
e)The Nightmare Before Christmas

5. What five recent TV shows would you bring? Remember all new episodes will be added as they are released.
a)All Law and Orders
b)Criminal Minds
c)House
d)Bones
e)Hell's Kitchen

6. What five older shows would you bring?
a)Barney Miller
b)Saturday Night Live
c)The Odd Couple
d)The Gilmore Girls
e)The Facts Of Life

7. Which five actors entire body of work would you bring?
a)Leonardo DeCaprio (I don't have to watch Titanic)
b)Johnny Depp
c)Kevin Spacey
d)Reese Witherspoon
e)Steve Buscemi

8. Which five authors entire body of work would you bring? all new works will be added.
a)Robert B. Parker
b)J.D. Robb
c)Mario Puzo
d)John Steinbeck
e)Jonathan Kellerman

9. Which five specific book series, if any, not covered by the authors above would you bring? You only get the books in that series added as the come out.
a)The Sisterhood series by Fern Michaels
b)The Lucas Davenport series by John Sanford ( Luckily this includes crossovers with the Kidd series)
c)The Hannah Swensen series by JoAnne Fluke
d)The Kinsey Milhone series by Sue Grafton
e)The Stone Barrington series (and all its crossovers) by Stuart Woods

10. What five magazines would you bring?
a)Entertainment Weekly
b)Rolling Stone
c)Reader's Digest
d)Vanity Fair
e) Us Weekly

It just gets weirder from here....

Later
me

I Remember You

Sometimes people in life are around for no other reason than to simply bring joy and happiness into other's lives. Usually, those people have a lot of pain and heartache in their own life and that makes them even more amazing. This post is about one of them.

Life was never easy for Joey Ramone. He was a sickly kid and then almost crippled by OCD. He died way too young. We all know that.

What else we know is that he was a talented man. He was a very smart man. He was a kind man.

He was also a bitter man. A lonely man. A tortured man.

For the most part, he made people happy. His music brings joy and a wistful sense of hope for love and romance. The hope of those things was what he had. It's not what he had, it's what he wanted.

I spoke with Joey too many times to count in the year before his death and he was usually optimistic. He had a lot to say and I was lucky enough to hear and document it. I personally did the last known interview with Joey. Here's the link. To the best of my knowledge, it's never been reprinted anywhere. I've never approved it to be, so this is the only place to find it. There's another interview that I did with him on there as well.

www.musicgourmets.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=2360

I have pages upon pages of interviews with him, as well as spoke to him "off the record" for hours and came to the conclusion that Joey was human. He had flaws, but at the core, he was a good guy and I sincerely miss him.

The love of the Ramones and especially Joey is another essential part of me. They weren't in my life for the entire time, but when they finally did wander onto my radar, I can't possibly imagine what I listened to before.

I've been watching a documentary the last few days, not The End Of The Century, but I do recommend that one. It's been hard, I have to keep stopping to cry. Joey's life was so good and so heartbreakingly sad. All he wanted was to have a girl to hold hands with and love. We all deserve that, but maybe Joey a little more than the rest of us. Now that he's gone, it's even sadder that that simple dream was denied him.

Someone like Joey deserved every dream he ever reached for. He overcame a lot and didn't get a quarter of the good things he so richly deserved. That's the downside of The Ramones, I guess. Everyone knew them, but everyone overlooked them. Now three of them are gone and all we have is some of the most incredible music ever put out there, some documentaries, some books and a billion ripoff bands. Don't ever let anyone say that they didn't try. They tried harder than anyone could have tried, fought harder than most and now they're gone. I cried when they split, and I cry now when I think about Joey. But, nothing and I mean NOTHING can take away my love for their music, the electric jolt I get at an opening note or 1-2-3-4 or the happiness I get from hearing them.

I've lots more to say, but not enough emotional strength to say it. Just remember if you find "The One", fight for it, hard. Fight like Joey. Someone deserves to succeed.

Later,
Me

Desert Island Part 1

I've resisted doing a "Desert Island" list forever, but I got the craziest one yesterday. It's so long and detailed, that I think it would be the best desert island ever. If you take all the little details into this, this is more like a medium sized town, not an island. I'd go there tomorrow, if it was set up like this! Here we go....

1. If you were stranded on a desert island what five foods would you take? Keep in mind that you have enough water and you will have all equipment and ingredients to make whatever you choose.

a)Pickles- but I hope I don't have to make those.
b)Chicken rice soup
c)Steak- but only if I don't have to kill the cow
d)Rice
e)Caesar salad

I'm figuring there's seafood, so lobster, crab and shrimp were all left off.

2. What five beverages would you take? Once again everything you'd need to make the drinks how you want is included.

a)Dunkin Donuts coffee
b)Simply Apple juice
c)A & W Root Beer
d)Champagne
e)Simply Orange juice

3. What five people would you take with you?

a)Beaker
b)My mom
c)Mike
d)Dave
e)What's a party without a clown?

4. What five musicians would you bring?

a)Nikki Sixx
b)Jack White
c)Boy George
d)Kevin Junior
e)Courtney Love

5. What five bands would you bring?

Assuming that the previous five musicians would bring their own bands....
a)the original Guns N Roses
b)Heart
c)Aerosmith (under strict orders not to play anything past Done With Mirrors)
d)The Black Crowes
e)Hanoi Rocks (although I doubt the island is big enough for them and the members of the Crue)

6. What five musicians discographies would you bring? Keep in mind that a a musician would cover all of their bands, and anything new they released would be added.

a)Boy George
b)Jack White
c)Stiv Bators
d)Nikki Sixx
e)Courtney Love

7. What five band discographies would you bring?

a)The Ramones
b)The Black Crowes
c)Nirvana
d)Marilyn Manson
e)Guns N Roses

8. What five single albums would you bring?

a)Mother Love Bone-S/T
b)Chris Whitley-Living With The Law
c)Nine Inch Nails-Pretty Hate Machine
d)Def Leppard-Pyromania
e)Hanoi Rocks-Self Destruction Blues

9. What five soundtracks would you bring?

a)Purple Rain
b)Singles
c)Return Of The Living Dead
d)The Nightmare Before Christmas
e)Songs In The Key of Springfield

10. One cd. Five songs of your choice.

a)Burden In My Hand-Soundgarden
b)Good Vibrations-The Beach Boys
c)Magic Man-Heart
d)Looking For A Kiss-New York Dolls
e)Need You Tonight-INXS

This thing goes for 45 questions, so I'll split them up. I take no responsibility for the phrasing of these questions, I didn't write them.

Actually the music questions although detailed were really difficult. There was so much good music left out. Oh well..hopefully some of the people on the island (so far..more join later) will bring what I couldn't.

Later-
Me

Welcome To The Goodtimes Baby!

I thought I took meds to keep from being bipolar! I've been alternating between being elated over things happening and miserable about other things. I guess that's not bipolar, it's just my world is full of weird stuff these days.

CRUEFEST!!!!!!!! CRUEFEST!!!!!!! CRUEFEST!!!!!!!! CRUEFEST!!!!!!!!!!!!CRUEFEST!!!!!!!!!!

Nikki is playing twice in one day! Got my tickets!! This is the summer tour I wish I could deadhead on. I'd love to see this show every day for the whole summer, but I'll settle for one blissful day of Nikki!

What a great summer. Nikki, more Nikki, Boy George, The Red Sox, The Raconteurs and Buckcherry. It doesn't get sweeter than this. I'm thinking George reads this, because I got the wish I begged for all over this blog....he's singing. 'Bout fuckin time!

Found a new blog I'm digging these days. It's short, but I figure if people could wait over a year for me to update this at one point, I can hang around.

Advice for the day.... never type and listen to Guns N Roses, the typos here are staggering. I'm much too anal to let it go, so I have to read everything five or six times to make sure I didn't miss any.

Getting a little screwed up over the crap I keep playing with in my head. There's a light at the end of the tunnel..here's hoping it's not the train. There's a decision to be made, and eventually I have to make it. I'm getting very close, but it's not easy. My overanalyzing everything is not helping. Keep all your fingers crossed,in the lucky way, not the religious way.

Later-
Me

Life Experiences Part 2

These were left as a comment on the first Life Experiences and I liked them, so here you go. Thanks Zac!

(x) Lied to someone you love to protect their feelings
(x) Used a Ouija board
(x) Eaten something so spicy you thought your head would explode
(x) Been hit by someone who claimed to love you
(x) Wet yourself (Or worse) in public since the age of 7
(x) Stood up for someone
(x) Saw someone naked who you didn't have a crush on, only to later develop one
(x) Been stung by a bee or similar bug
() Had hot coffee in the lap
(x) Opened a soda that someone had shook up

In other fun news...I got Boy George tickets! He's singing!! I wish it wasn't because he probably needs legal fee money, but I don't care. Boy George...not as a dj..all singing!!
And I hereby solemnly swear that I will write a minimum of once a week from now on.

Another Post That Mentions Nikki Sixx

Fuck. It's been almost 2 months since I did anything here. No, that's not true, I started 2 posts but deleted them, because they weren't relevant when I got back to them.
I've got a bunch of stuff on my mind, but I haven't untangled it yet. So, I'm going to go easy on this one. It's a plain list of the most influential bands or musicians in my life. Enjoy...


1. Motley Crue. Nikki Sixx is in this band, need I say more? No, but I will anyway. Motley gave a release valve to the rage I had bottled up when I was younger. They also gave me new rage when Vince killed the drummer of another band on this list. The effect of Nikki Sixx on my life has been dissected here endlessly, so I won't go into it again, but that effect makes them the absolute top influence. Nikki wrote the songs and and was chief dictator, so essentially he IS the Crue. There would have been not Crue without him and I wouldn't be who I am without him and the Crue.


2. The Rolling Stones. I remember lying in the bathtub and my mom put on an album and I just started screaming "Who is this?" It was the Stones, and I fell hard. They were my very first music obsession, and oddly it was Brian Jones who was my first Rolling Stone love. Dead rock star love started with Brian and continues to this day. I eventually drifted into loves of Mick and Keith ( both when they were young and beautiful), but Brian still holds my heart. I loved how easily they mixed the rough bluesy stuff with the sweet Ruby Tuesday type things. I also learned from them a lesson that would in handy in later life. Don't expect a guy to care much beyond himself. It's an odd lesson to take away from a band, but it's one of the best lessons I've ever learned and I use that lesson every single day. My roots start in the Stones and every band I ever loved is somehow wrapped up in those roots.


3. The Ramones. Thank God for The Ramones. It's something I do quite often. I don't even want to picture a life where they never existed. It's bad enough that Joey and Dee Dee are gone. What it comes down to is if there were never any Ramones or Crue, there would be no me. It's just that simple.


4. Hanoi Rocks. The second blonde singer I ever fell for, Robin Zander was the first. I had to work to hear Hanoi. I'd known of them before Two Steps came out and way before the Vince Neil murder of Razzle, but when I finally got hold of their music, I never let go. The only hatred I have at all for my friend Kevin is that he got to see Hanoi, and in Berlin no less grrrr. I think Hanoi is the only band on this list I haven't seen. I might be wrong, but if I am, I'll edit that line out so no one will know anyway. The worst of Hanoi was the best of so many bands who came after. They are just that good. Andy McCoy, for all of his insanity, although everyone in that band is certifiable, is just one of the most underrated musicians. Once I pushed my way past the delicate beauty of Mike Monroe's looks, and the fantastic strength of his voice, I discovered the intricate melodies that Andy put together and his rock solid arrangements and was just amazed. I still listen to something Hanoi almost every time I listen to music.


5. Heart. Ann Wilson can make me cry, and has many many times. There is no voice like hers and through her I learned the power of what music can do. I heard Dreamboat Annie when it first came out (yeah I was really young) and that was my first exposure to the power of music and how it influences you and your moods and I learned to use that power very quickly and it's still where I get a lot of my strength. Thank you Ann.


6. Boy George. He was the epitome of so many things that I loved. His voice is the standard to which I compare all other male singers. Most don't even come near it. His album Cheapness & Beauty makes me want to find him and slap him around until he agrees to put out another like it. If you haven't heard that album, listen to it, just once. I promise you will understand why his decision to stop singing makes me want to kill him. You don't have to like Culture Club to love that album. While we're on the subject of Culture Club, I love good pop music, guys in makeup, and someone who can really sing. George nailed it. When all the girls in my class were arguing over who was cuter, Simon LeBon or Nick Rhodes, I was cheerfully arguing that Boy George was a much better singer than anyone out there at the time. If I got sucked into the Duran argument, my answer was always John Taylor, but then I'd go back to fighting the vocal talent fight. I still agree with myself.


7. Guns N Roses. Appetite gave me hope for the future of music. The aggression and odd sense of hope that drips from that album is still some of the strongest I've heard. For awhile that band was the perfect collision of people. That comes along so fucking rarely, we should all just appreciate the hell out of it, because we're not going to see it again for a long time. Axl could sing his ass off and looked pretty damn good in a kilt. Slash and Duff were the perfect foils for each other and the band in general, and Izzy and Steven and Gilby and Matt just worked too well, especially Izzy. I've seen every variation of GNR that has toured and even without anyone else, Axl can still rock any of the old songs. I love Axl and always will. I cut him slack on everything.... just because he's Axl.


8. Prince. Astoundingly talented. Prince has left me speechless a few times with some riff or turn of a lyric. The guy is just a genius. I can't say enough, so I just won't say any more.


This could go on a few more, but this is just way too long. Write your own reasons for Chris Whitley, early Aerosmith,Freddie Mercury, Johnny Thunders (especially him, since I don't really know why he's influenced me, I just know I buy his stuff when I get upset. I have a large collection), Tommy James, Courtney Love, the Bee Gees, Jack White, and Jeff Beck. For all you smart asses, I am 100% aware that Stiv Bators is NOT on this list. I didn't forget him, he just wasn't as influential as others.

later-
Me

You'll Be Missed

I Want Democracy

First, yes I am perfectly aware that I didn't title yesterday's post. It was just a quick observation, so I didn't bother to title it.

Today is a short and sweet post. 2008 wishes. For music. No personal thoughts whatsoever, except relating to the wishes on this list. I'll do a few more of these the next few weeks, but they won't be personal. My personal wishes for 2008 are just that, my personal wishes. This list is actually in some sort of order.

1. Chinese Democracy. Come the hell on already!!!! Yeah, most of us already have it, but still.... I'd like to be able to PURCHASE the damn album already.

2. A new Raconteurs album. Icky Thump was ok, but Broken Boy Soldier was amazing and those guys need to get together again. It's most likely not going to happen in 08, but I can hope.

3. Boy George needs to realize that he needs to really sing again. The whole dj thing is over and that man has a voice that deserves to be shared with the world. Cheapness and Beauty was a beautiful album and Boy needs to remember that his voice is his best asset and use it.

4. The Living Dead Lights disc needs to take off. All the other stuff I've heard from Alan Damien was pretty good, and he deserves the break.

5. Sebastian Bach's new disc needs to sell zillions, just so we can all remember where we came from. Bon Jovi going country just proves we need Bach back.

6. The Black Crowes should forget the whole jam band thing and go back to writing the great music that they used to.

7. Nikki Sixx should be named God. Ok, never going to happen, but I can hope.

8. I can't wait for the new Courtney Love album. I don't care how she releases it, just release it already!

9. I want to find a copy of Point Blank's Nicole. I had it once, but, it was lost in a computer crash.

10. Lots of good concerts from good bands! I want to see some shows this year!

Later-
me

I really wasn't planning on writing today. I don't have much going on, and I don't feel like babbling with no apparent point like I normally do. My mail doesn't get delivered to my house, so I go get it when I remember. Today there was something in there that just made me laugh.
It was a wedding invitation from someone I used to work with. To be completely honest, I don't even remember the person all that well, but that isn't the point. What struck me as funny was the invitation itself.
It looked like a normal invite, until you opened it and in big bold letters it said, "Please do not attend this wedding unless you have a good outlook on love and romance. We do not want our special day spoiled by bad vibes from our guests."
So, I chucked it. I have a good outlook on all that, but I can't promise to have a good outlook on that day. Anything can happen between then and now. I also thought about what would happen if someone accepted the invite and then was widowed, can they still go? Or what happens if a couple gets in an argument on the way, over directions or something else stupid, do they have to turn around and go home?
I know weddings are special days, but I was mildly offended by the amount of narcissism in that statement. Isn't marrying the person you love enough? Does looking out into the sea of faces ( and since they invited me and I barely remember this guy it obviously will be a sea.) and thinking that someone may not share their opinion of love ruin that day? I've gone to a wedding completely soured on love and romance, but was genuinely happy for the people getting married, and I don't recall spoiling their day. Shouldn't that be enough? Shouldn't you just be happy that these people showed up to share your happiness without telling them how to feel? All those who choose to attend, now also have to question their dates as well, to see how they feel about love and romance. I can just see that leading to some awkward conversations.
Is this some new trend in weddings that I've missed? I know there have been some strange new things that are now considered acceptable, but this just seems nuts.
Just wanted to share. No list....

later-
me

Just a quick update

According to most of the blogs I've been reading lately, I'm supposed to do some deep post on the new year or the end of the old year. That's not really my style. I could try, but it would sound really forced and fake, so why bother? I'd rather talk about things that I'm thinking about and since the new year isn't really much more than a change in the date I write on my checks, I'm not really thinking about it.
After a lot of going out in December, I've gone back to the comfort of seclusion. I got a lot accomplished in terms of things I needed to do, but I like hiding out a lot more. I was out one night and one bar led to another and I got to talk to someone who had crossed a physical boundary the last time I had seen him. I was a little bit scared, but then I went outside with him and we talked it out. I'm really proud of myself for forcing myself to be with him alone. I needed to do that, to get over the fear, and I succeeded.
I need to get out at least once in the near future, to see an old friend who I was talking about hanging out with one night this month. Neither of us is in a huge hurry to hang out, so I'll get around to it.
I'm truly enjoying the coziness of home. I've read some great books and caught up on a backlog of music I've been meaning to listen to. I was listening to the Faces box set the other night, and I remembered why I loved that band so much in the first place. I still have a huge backlog of dvds which is a great excuse to stay in for awhile, not that I've ever needed an excuse to stay in.
I have also been doing a lot of writing. It's a really remarkable feeling to be able to express things in a way that other people might want to read. There's been great feedback and I'm humbled by it in a way. Writing is a cheerfully secluded thing to do and that makes it even better for me. I enjoy being alone and just being able to take the time to work out exactly how I want to say things is a blast.
I've been also trying to quit smoking, but that has settled into just a dramatic reduction, rather than quitting. I've gone from over two packs a day to less than one. Seems like a good start, and by my birthday, I should finally have stopped for good.
The phone has been quiet as well. There's a few new people calling and messaging, but a few have dropped off. That's good. My best text message buddy has dropped, and I miss him, but my former favorite phone buddy is gone and I don't miss him, so I think that's balance of some sort. Maybe that's part of the new year thing, but since there is now occasional variations, it's good.
So, basically life is good and quiet. I know there's going to be drama soon, because there always is and life is weird without it, but for now, it's just a great time to soak up the peace and quiet.
I'll throw on a list of what was on my ipod while I was writing this, but not as a memory thing. I'll do a shuffle post sometime this week.

later-
Me

1. Bus Stop-The Hollies
2. I'm A Believer-The Monkees
3. You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record)-Dead Or Alive
4. (Love Is) A Bitchslap-Sebastian Bach
5. Brown Sugar-The Rolling Stones
6. Offend In Every Way-The White Stripes
7. Twist My Sister-Murderdolls
8. Over and Over-Madonna
9. Porno Star-Buckcherry
10. Frankie-D Generation
11. Parental Guidance-Judas Priest
12. Strip-Adam Ant
13. My Sharona-The Knack

More Email Gone Blog

This one was kind of fun and so I'm putting it here. Don't tell me you expected some sort of end of the year wrap up. I've got a few days left, but don't hold your breath.

1. What's the most annoying thing that's happened to you this week? Dealing with a problem with my cell phone.
2. What are the last five songs you listened to before the one you're listening to right now?
a) Safety Dance-Men Without Hats
b) Irresponsible Hate Anthem-Marilyn Manson
c) Malibu-Hole
d) Baby It's You-The Chamber Strings
e) Detroit Rock City-Kiss
3. What are you listening to right now? Dream On-Depeche Mode
4. What luxury item can you never get enough of? Good Champagne
5. What's the last concert you saw? I Love Rich
6. What's the last movie you saw? The Simpsons Movie
7. What's the last tv show you saw? Two and A Half Men
8. What's the last thing you ate? Caesar salad
9. What's the biggest misconception about you? That I care
10. What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Nothing, but Coldstone cake batter ice cream... I could negotiate.
11. What's the most unrealistic occupation you've ever dreamed of having? Teaching
12. Do you have plans for the weekend? Yes.
13. Do you have plans for New Year's Eve? No
14. Do you have OCD? Yes
15. Are you drunk right now? No
16. Are you high right now? No
17. Would you rather be doing something else right now? Yes
18. Would you rather be with someone else right now? Well, considering it's me and the cat right now, yes.
19. What's the best thing that's happened to you this week? Saw an old friend.. well kind of an old friend... someone I used to know. That was nice, didn't realize that I'd missed him until I saw him. I tend to forget the nice people I used to know.
20. What's the worst thing that's happened? A crazy phone call from someone I care about and a text message I can't explain.
21. Did you have a good week? All in all yeah.
22. Would you relive this week? If I had to, it wasn't that bad. I've had better weeks to relive though.
23. Would you live a week in your hero's shoes? Nikki? Hell yes!
24. Would you live a week in your worst enemies shoes? Don't really have a worst enemy, but if I did, sure... think of the damage I could do in a week!
25. Would you change anything that you did this week? Probably not. I didn't really do anything.

That's it. Like I said, that one was kind of fun.

Later-
me

You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory

If you take a memory, any memory really, and ask people who were involved with that memory, none of you will remember it the same way. I swear I have a fantastic memory, but what if I don't? What if all my memories are tainted with the way I needed to see them at that moment?
This is a mixed up post, but it's based on another reaction to the Heroin Diaries and a long conversation with a friend a few days ago. I used to spend a lot of time fucked up in one form or another, and now, reading that book, I wonder, if my memories of having fun and laughing, were my perception and I was actually hurting people or ruining someone else's good time.
I have a friend and a semi-friend who were very proud of their quick wit and intellect. But, sometimes they used that in a negative way. Sometimes they were bullies. I laughed at their antics a lot, so maybe I was one too, but that's not my point. My point is, how many times did they devastate someone , or spoil what might otherwise have been a great evening out.
I also have another friend, who is really a good guy at heart, who gets his kicks from seeing two people having a good time together, not PDA, as much as just talking, laughing and creating a connection, and he has to go over and break it up and talk the female in the duo into wandering away and hanging out with him. He's fun to be around, so the girl walks away with good memories of her night, but were those the memories she wanted or should have had?
There's another guy, rapier wit and amazing intelligence, who has spoiled many a night by knowing exactly what button to hit on someone. He's flawless at it and it's great fun to watch, but once again, do those people go home at night and think about all the things they did, or do they think about what he said. From some of the people I've talked to, it's the mean comment that gets dwelled upon.
In The Heroin Diaries, and The Dirt by extension, Nikki and Tommy did just that on a regular basis. They hurt people who got in the way of their fun. Or, they hurt people in the name of having fun. I know for a fact I've done that myself. I've done it to people I love, people who I like and people that I couldn't care less about. That's selfish, I know, and I don't much care, but I wonder what my memories look like on the other side of the table.
People paint me as so nice, but I'm not. I'm a bully in my own way. I'm demanding and bitchy, and I'm aware of it. Sometimes the insults pop out of my mouth before I have even had time to realize I've thought them. It's instinct, like it is with every person mentioned above.
I'm very similiar to the friend, semi-friend and rapier wit guy mentioned above, as well as to Nikki Sixx, and now, I wonder, how many people went home at one point or another stinging over something I said or did. I can't take it back, and wouldn't if I could, but it'd be an interesting figure to have.
Does this mean I'm going to be nice from now on? No. Does this mean I'm going to think before I speak? No. It just means I'm aware that I might be screwing up someone's evening and I'm ok with it. Does that make me awful? Probably, but I couldn't live with myself any other way.
But the memories that I carry of the special evenings out, that just fell into my lap by good timing and luck, I treasure. I love thinking of them and I'm sure I'll pull them out when I'm older and relish them just as much. There are the "Cone Of Silence" memories, when myself and a friend just sat and talked and were so intimidating, I guess, that no one would interrupt us. I love those memories, because they can't be recreated. Those nights just happened and I carry them in my heart always. People who wanted to spend time with me were hurt during the creation of those memories, but I wouldn't trade a second of them for anything in the world. I can't even honestly say that I'm sorry that I hurt those people back then, because I'm not. I was creating memories that I take to bed with me and dream about. Those were the nights that were pink castles and apple blossoms and fuck anyone who got hurt in the process.
My phone calls with another friend are up there too. I let bunches of people go to voicemail, so I can talk to this guy. We're just friends, but I get so much nourishment from those conversations that it's worth pissing a few people off.
There's another friend who I see way too rarely, but we keep in touch and go to lunch once in awhile that I've known forever and just knowing he's out there, thinking of me...stealing rocks from Anton LaVey's house for me, makes me stronger. I have so many fantastic memories of time spent with this guy that there isn't enough room to tell them all here. But trust me he's special, and I'm honored to have him as a friend.
To wrap up a mixed up post, which I did warn you was going to be mixed up, I'm just going to say, enjoy all your great memories, but try and remember that other people have memories too. Theirs might not be as great as yours.

Another Email Gone Blog

I got another one of those stupid question emails, and as usual I thought I'd share.

1. What color do you hate? Orange
2. What color do you love? Purple
3. What celebrity do you hate the most? Carmen Electra
4. Which celebrity do you love the most? Nikki Sixx
5. Do you believe in reincarnation? Sometimes.
6. Do you believe in God? Yes
7. Are you afraid of death? I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid of dying before I accomplish what I want to here.
8. Will you go to heaven? Hope not... a life of Satanism wasted on heaven would truly suck.
9. Would you eat a worm? In heaven? I hate disjointed questions. I ate one when I was a kid, so yeah I guess so.
10. Have you even seen a rainbow? Yeah
11. Do you know anyone from a foreign country? Yeah
12. Have you ever ran away from home? Not really, I just moved out.
13. Have you ever cried? Really stupid question, I'm human, of course I've cried.
14. Have you ever danced on a bar? Yeah
15. What's the last book you read? My Sister's Keeper and it sucked.
16. What's the last movie you saw? I Know Who Killed Me
17. Have you ever hit someone so hard they bled? Yeah
18. Are you tough? In what regard... maybe.
19. Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? Yeah
20. Will you repost this? On my blog yeah, but I'm not sending it to anyone else.

Ok, I've shared email stupidity. What fun....

Sixx Sixx Sixx

This post has been simmering for awhile, because it's very close to my heart and I wanted to be sure that I knew all my feelings before I got here.
I read The Heroin Diaries (I know..shocking) and have a lot of thoughts on it. This is part one of what will probably be an off and on series of posts about this book.
As I have said before many, many times, I identify with Nikki Sixx and I always have. This book made me understand more of why I do. We both have a lot of the same parent issues, we both are never satisfied with anything in our lives and we both lived with a giant hole in ourselves which we filled with evil, music, mischief, drugs and sex. Although he played music, and I mostly listened.
We both have severe psychological problems, which we both take medication to control, I think we're actually on the same one these days. We're both generally extremely antisocial, although immensely controlling of any room we enter and we spend a lot of time making sure we're near the exit. We're both dominant and manipulative. We're bossy and have to have our way and usually get it. We love and hate with a passion that scares us both and we're both overly obsessive. Hell, we even like the same kind of furniture and architecture.
Now, having said all that about a perfect stranger, this book opened a lot more wounds in me than it healed. Nikki is the only person I have ever idolized, and that makes me wonder just how narcissistic I truly am. I'd love to idolize someone that I have nothing in common with, but sadly, that didn't happen. I swear, if I won the lottery tomorrow, I would spend most of it on Nikki memorabilia...remember Sebastian Bach's house on Cribs..like that, but cooler. I'd have an entire Nikki room, filled with real stuff, not a signed magazine cover bought off ebay for a buck plus shipping.
Back to the book, his diaries for that time, the way he was feeling and the thoughts he was having, not about the dope, but about his life, his parents, the people he knew, I've been brain in brain with those same thoughts. It made me think harder and longer about things than I have in a very long time. I don't know if I would ever want to sit down and talk to Nikki, because I talking to him might make me realize some of the stuff I've locked in my head and since he insists on dealing with his crap, I'd be afraid I'd have to as well. I've followed in his wake for a long time, hair color, drink of choice, stupid shit like that, as well as some of the more serious things, that I keep coming back to dealing with things, as he's done and seeing if I come out on the other side as strongly as he has. But I'm not Nikki. I've always known that (one crazy issue down, a billion more to go), but I have a part of him in me and it's kind of cool.
The Heroin Diaries is one of the scariest books I've ever confronted, because after a few pages I didn't read it, I dealt with it, because I saw new and scary parts of Nikki as well as new and scary parts of myself.
I have a lot more to say on this topic, but I have to put it together. You'll read more on this topic a few posts from now. No list, there's already one on here.

If I Can Just Hear Your Pretty Voice I Don't Think I Need To See You At All

Off and on for years, I've had conversations with people about the sexiest singers. Not the sexiest looking, but the sexiest sounding. A lot of the people on my list are dead, which is just weird, but it's still an interesting thing to think about.

1. Marc Bolan
That man could have made the manual from my computer sound sexy. His voice is almost like a caress. There's something about his voice that I can't explain, but it gets under my skin like no other.

2. Michael Hutchence
Need You Tonight is still one of the sexiest songs I've ever heard. I dated a guy who sang it to me, just because he sang it to me. Michael Hutchence had a swagger in his voice that had a sexy edge, not a sarcastic one like Simon LeBon's for example. That guy knew he was sexy and that was in every note he sang.

3. Chris Whitley
Sincerity is sexy, and Chris had sincerity coming out of his pores. His voice was so gentle and moving that I actually can't have sex to his music... it's too engrossing.

4. Jack White
Finally, someone who is alive. His sexiness comes from his words. His lyrics are the words of someone who uses his brain and his heart when he writes and that's sexy. Someone who can strip his soul bare one second and the next be happy and romantic and the next be a sarcastic jerk. Wrap it up, I'll take it. Jack's a sexy singer.

5. Axl Rose
The jury is still out on whether he's alive, so put him into whatever category you want. I'm going to take a lot of shit for adding him on this list, but to me his voice is sexy. deal with it.

6. Andy Wood
Back to the dead. His ballads are so peaceful and gentle that it's like being wrapped in cashmere.

7. Stiv Bators
Lords Of The New Church era only. His voice had matured and hinted at the dark side..the lyrics were definitely on the dark side and we all know I love the dark side. It always came off that he knew something a little more dangerous, sexy, and fun and you should join him.

8. Josh Todd
His voice is just gravel, down and dirty. Totally sexy.

9. Dave Gahan
I just noticed this lately, mainly because I never really cared for the band, but his voice has a dark edge.

10. Scott Weiland
I have no idea why.

Over half that list is dead people.

The sexiest singers looks wise?
1. Old Axl

2. Jack White unless he has that stupid bowl cut

3. Michael Hutchence

4. Taime Downe. Have you seen him these days.... yum

5. Old Marilyn Manson
6. Jon Bon Jovi

7. Chris Whitley

8. Mike Monroe

9. Constantine Maroulis

10. Sebastian Bach from his Rolling Stone cover.... in those gold pants.

Don't Put Another Dime In The Jukebox

We all have songs that we can't listen to because someone or something has ruined them for us forever. Notice how those are always the songs we pull out when we want to be miserable. I think I have enough for a list, so here they are.

1. Photograph by Def Leppard
This song is the absolute description of a non-relationship I had. It's such a shame because I love this song so much, but now it's incredibly difficult to listen to. It's the song that will forever make me ache for THE ONE who got away. Also see #9. Same person, different song.

2. December-Collective Soul
This song started out so well. It was in a scene in a soap opera and I really liked it, but it became a song that reminds me of someone who got away.

3. I Want To Be Your Boyfriend-The Ramones
A really horrible relationship started with someone singing this to me.

4. Have I Told You Lately-Rod Stewart
I can't even own a copy of this song.

5. I Want You Around-The Ramones
Someone used to sing this to me every night. I still cry when I hear it.

6. The Speed Of Pain-Marilyn Manson
Someone dedicated this to me and I relive the relationship whenever I hear it.

7. User Friendly-Marilyn Manson
See Above.

8. Dying-Hole
It's the ultimate breakup song and it was the theme for an extremely destructive relationship. Still adore it though.

9. Think About You-Guns N Roses
"I love you best"....... speaks all says all

10. Wild Thing-Sam Kinison
I adore the original of this, but when Sam did this song there was a speaking part. "Somewhere someone, whether it was last week or sixth grade, someone broke your heart! What was her name?" I was sitting in a room with a bunch of my friends, the majority were guys and almost all of them yelled out "Wendi!". I haven't been able to listen to it since.

Later-
Me