Death Letter

This is the final post on this blog. There is a new one at www.therocketprincess.blogspot.com
I want a place that I can continue to write in the same vein, without the silliness of this blog. All my rants about the BBS will still be alive and well, except as an added bonus, you get to watch as they are cut out of my life. A lot of the posts I promised, Michael Jackson, The White Stripes, Appetite For Destruction and others will finally be posted there. There will also be closure on some subjects covered extensively here, such as the "friends" who need to go (see it live...coming soon!) and other fun stuff.

Thanks for reading this for as long as you did and I hope you'll come over to the new place with me....it'll be a much better read, I swear.

Wendi

Whiskers on Kittens

Since Oprah has decided not to do her favorite things list this year, I figured I'll pick up her slack and list my favorites of the year. No, I'm not giving them to you, but anything tangible on this list I highly recommend getting.

10. The Pina Coladas at Mandalay Bay in Vegas
The best pina coladas I've ever had. I could (and did) drink nothing but those for an entire day. I'm figuring I now have to go to Vegas once a year to get those.

9. Matthew Gray Gubler
This is not a looks thing. It's been a year of watching him do some really creative things on his website and his funny and brilliantly twisted way of looking at things. For that alone it's been a great Gube year. This is an amazingly creative man. Check him out. He's definitely a lot more than Dr. Reid on Criminal Minds. (www.gublerland.com)

8. Youtube
Anything anytime.... what else is there to say?

7. The Food Network
Televised crack. Thanks for keeping me occupied all year, and please give me more Chris Cosentino.

6. Yellowtail wine
Not the most expensive you'll find, but good stuff. I'm a Chardonnay fan, but the Pinot Grigio kept me sane a few times.

5. Penn & Teller
Incredible, insightful, so much fun! Love Penn and Teller!!!!!

4. The Lustkillers
Just saw them, but I love this band!! Music at it's best....fun, sexy, smart. See these guys. You will not be disappointed. Buy their stuff, make them rich so they will keep playing. Just because I'm not putting him on here twice, when you get done checking out Adam Becvare's work with The Lustkillers, see his work with Lords Of the New Church. Adam has talent dripping out of his pores, you'd be a fool not to see him.
http://www.myspace.com/lustkillers
http://www.LustKillers.com
http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-LustKillers/81689005186

3. Guns n Roses
No particular reason, just always one of my favorite things. Also, the inspiration for my new tattoo, so what the hell, on they go.

2. The new season of Law and Order
Best season in a long time.

1. Friends
Oh, how cliched but true. I played around with my circle of friends this year and finally have it down to a group I am incredibly happy with. I've got good, solid friends and I never figured that'd happen. Thanks to the Way Back machine and Facebook for that.

That's it...go buy Lustkillers stuff and play around in Gublerland.

Later,
me

So Overblown

I've been focused more on the stupid stories part of this blog lately, so let's do a list.

Here are the musicians who are adored all over the world who, honestly, I just don't get. I agree they're talented, and I respect the art. I just don't get why these guys are so adored. Most of the chatter under the name will be short, because I don't want to write about what I don't care about....

1. Bob Dylan
I hate this guy! I know many, many Dylan devotees and I wish I saw what they saw, even for a second. He's a tuneless hack who makes a living as much on a tattered mystique than anything he's done. The same can be said for Nikki Sixx, so don't get your panties in a bunch. Nikki doesn't hurt my ears though. Dylan's singing...ugh. I'm not saying that I hate, out of hand, everything he's done. There are a few songs I like, but I am not going to list them here for fear of all the Dylan freaks listing a zillion songs for me to listen to. Trust me, if it's your favorite, I love it too.

2. Neil Young
He almost topped this list. Yet another guy who half talks/half sings into the mike and people love him. I can discern no obvious talent here, sorry.

3. Eric Clapton
There are many more talented, inspiring, amazing guitarists out there. Why waste time on him?

4. Ozzy Osbourne
Whiny wacked out semisinger whose main talent seems to be picking bands. Way to go Ozzy.

5. Stevie Wonder
Handicaps don't always automatically make you uber talented. He's ok, not god's gift by any stretch.

6. Mariah Carey
I could care less how many high notes you can hit or how many number one hits you have, if you continue to dress in your baby clothes and act emotionally retarded.. Grow up, see a shrink and come back, we'll see then.

7. REM
Have you listened to them? Really? Can you tell me what the hell the big deal is without mentioning college radio? Or Stipe's guyliner?

8. U2
I like them, probably more than anyone else on this list, but I don't get the worship. Never will.

9. John Lennon
A man. Not a Savior. A fucking man with nasty taste in women and a tendency to write about the topic of the day. He was always against it too. Ornery little guy.

10. Green Day
I like one song (see Dylan part for what song), and I don't see the glory in growing up and just doing what comes naturally in their career. They needed an epic after ripping off the Ramones for so damn long.

Luckily I'll stop here...for more venom and bile..tune in next week.

Later
me

Motley Crue Review Chicago

Last night was the third show of Cruefest. I'll cut the band a little slack for that, but not very much. I've seen Motley Crue 136 times now and this was in the bottom five. Oddly enough, all of those were from the Feelgood tour. Since this was the 20th Anniversary of Feelgood, I shouldn't have been surprised.

The setlist was, as is becoming a habit on Cruefest, bad. They did the entire Feelgood album and since they were aware of this, they might have rehearsed a bit. There was also a last ditch attempt at saving the show by adding other hits on at the end. They were:
Wild Side
Saints Of Los Angeles
Shout At The Devil
Looks That Kill
Home Sweet Home
Girls Girls Girls

A lot of funny things happened at this show. Every single member of the band screwed up a song at least twice. The best of those being Looks That Kill. This is a song that they should know pretty well by now. In the course of 3:53, Vince forgot the words, various members sang when there was no one else singing, an "ummm" was clearly heard and there was the proper bass line playing while another, clearly off key bass line was completely audible. Although this may account for Nikki's amazing talent of continuously having both hands in the air while the bass is clearly heard. He does this a lot, but never as much as last night.

Nikki also spent a lot of time wandering around the stage, which is also nice. It was also nice to see him in an awesome pair of boots. It was the best though, to hear his little (less manipulative than last year, thank you so much) speech where he announced that they were rotating five songs throughout the tour, so far those have been Live Wire, Primal Scream and Looks That Kill. That's three. Since Nikki was talking about it last night, it was only technically 2 songs he had to remember, what they played the night before in Cleveland (Primal Scream) and what they were playing then (Looks That Kill). He forgot Primal Scream and had to ask the band what they had played the night before. There was a few seconds of mumbling until the band remembered what they had played, and then Nikki seemed to randomly pull Looks That Kill out of his ass. Nikki also had a weird part in Home Sweet Home, at the end where the band is oh so touchingly gathered around the piano, Nikki is completely at the other end of the stage, he started to walk over, waved at the band, stopped, threw something at them and turned and wandered back to his side of the stage. It was really odd.

Tommy was still passing around that damn bottle of Jager. No, I still don't want it. He was also stuck behind the smallest drum kit I've ever seen him play. It was really sad, like they were stripping him of his power or something. The once mighty Tommy Lee looked very small and defeated. I guess he heard the show. He had a few moments in the sun, but not many, and he also screwed up as many songs as he got right.

In a sentence that I thought would never ever come out of my brain, the best member of the night was Vince. He tore up Shout At The Devil. Best version I've heard since the Theater Of Pain tour. He wasn't perfect by a long shot though. He forgot more words than ever before and only rarely bothered to use the audience to cover that up. We know the words, let us take it, we can do it. His stage patter was predictable and dated, as always. But he still won, for the first time ever, best Crue member of the night.

Mick was moving around slightly less than last year, but still seemed in pretty good health. His screw ups were audible and frequent, according to my guitar guy show mate. I didn't notice, mostly because of Nikki's screw ups. What I did notice was a pattern of starting songs early and then stopping and shortening solos in the songs. Maybe that's what screwed Vince up so bad.

The stage set was cool, I think. They didn't bother to have the video screens on for much of the show. When they were on they showed reasonably cheap and crappy clip art type stuff. There was no Tit E. Cam either. We originally had lawn seats and traded up when we got there. That was a beautiful thing because we wouldn't have been able to see anything from the lawn. Isn't that why they have those huge screens up there?

To sum it up, the band was bad. They should have never have attempted to do the entire Feelgood album, that album was hugely filler stuffed. The set might have been great if people in the back could have seen it. They needed the video screens on and showing the band. The entire band needs to relearn Looks That Kill and Home Sweet Home. HSH wins for worst song of the night. At one point they were all playing different versions of it at the same time. This time around they needed to actually practice and remember the people who paid to see them. I was amazingly disappointed. I now understand why Nikki has been so adamant about not wanting show infomation put out on the internet. He's starting to become a bit rusty as my hero.

Will I see them again? Yeah. I've seen worse shows from them. But I'll wait until this Feelgood silliness is done. Should you see them? I'd read reviews from later in the tour, maybe they'll improve.

Needles And Pins

There's a PSA that has a man standing outside a convenience store talking about how he can't be blamed for children being on drugs anymore because all the drugs the kids need are inside their parent's medicine cabinets. There's a definite trend these days toward prescription drugs, and two very public figures screwed up their life in very public ways by using them.

The first is, of course, Michael Jackson. Since he died from them, his story takes priority over the other one. It's coming out now that he was using a drug that most of us couldn't and wouldn't want to get our hands on. He did have problems with other prescription drugs though. Since no one, especially celebrities, wants to be seen on a corner buying street drugs, it shouldn't be surprising that scripts are so common. It's made worse, of course, by the fact that he was injecting them. It's a lot harder to control the dosage when a) you're shooting them and b) you're having someone else do it. It's much more dangerous and the addiction moves faster. I'm guessing that Michael wanted to see his kids grow up and it's sad that his story ends here.

The second is Manny Ramirez. He didn't die, but his Hall Of Fame career did. Sure, he'll keep most of his fans (myself included), but he won't be entering the HOF if history proves true.

These two men had overwhelming amounts of natural talent and in Manny's case needed nothing to bolster anything he didn't already possess. Michael had a well known history of script abuse and no one did anything about it except give him more. I'm wondering of the whys of celebrity. Yes, I suppose it's cool to know a celebrity and be in their life. I don't think it's cool to watch someone kill themselves or their career, because you're afraid of standing up to someone. These two needed someone to stop them. Someone who put them before the fear of being banished from the "inner circle". All of these people are no longer in Michael's inner circle, because he's dead and now Manny has banished quite a few people out of the fear of "looking dirty". So what did all the coddling of these two get anyone? A corpse and and one way ticket out of Mannywood. Yay. Now they'll get to go do it to the next celebrity who is afraid of not reaching the peaks of their former successes.

Michael's next release (the first in a very long line I'm sure), will sell bigger than almost anything he's done since Dangerous, and the Dodgers ticket sales will be through the roof again. Was it worth it? Of course not. Now it'll be Michael Jackson the junkie child molester (more on that in my next post) and Manny the steroid user. Was that how they wanted to be remembered? God, I hope not. Michael Jackson did so much more in his life than take drugs (yeah yeah yeah or molest children, but I SAID more on that in the NEXT post) and he should be remembered for that. Remember the joy that his music brought, the people he helped and the wonder of his dancing. Forget the drugs. Forget every needle except the one you brought down on Thriller when it was released. With Manny, since he is still alive, there are endless questions and not enough answers. I'd say remember the happiness in his eyes when he hits the ball out of the park, or his exhilaration at winning the Series and stick a pin down on these last few months until there are answers as to how long and what. You know that he's playing clean now, so let's see what he does. Maybe he'll suck, but I doubt it.

It's going to be hard to remember these two as clean, as the media will be shoving it down your throat for a long time that they weren't. At one time, though, they were and you loved them. Did Manny cheat? Probably. Did Michael? Just himself and his children. Does it really concern us? No. Do we enjoy them less knowing what they did? Maybe some of you with Manny, but you shouldn't. We know he was clean during both of the Sox Series wins, and that's what we remember about him. Oddly, neither one of these two will ever have the chance to clear their names (Next post...shut up! I'm not ignoring anything), one because he's dead and the other because it's in his best interest to stay quiet. There will be tragic answers in Michael's case, and lots of speculation in Manny's.

These are two talented men who shot (no pun intended) themselves in the foot by going about things in the wrong way. Yet, the same people who are now crucifying them are the ones who set their pedestals so high, they couldn't step off of them. These are two mortal men, who used drugs. They shouldn't have, but they did and they paid. Let them both have peace.

Let Me Live My Own Life

I write a lot about friends. I am lucky enough to have some really close fantastic friends who I can truly relax and be myself around. I'm not writing about those today, that's another post and it needs to be written and it will be.
I'm not writing about the two usual BBS either. I'm not having any major issues with them and I've been rough on them, so we'll leave this out of this one (Ok Axl lookalike, you can stop reading now. I'm not slamming you this time.)
This is a post about the friends none of us want but we all have. The users. The selfish little people who don't spend a millisecond of their time thinking about anything past the end of their nose. The ones who take until you have nothing more to give and then stroll away. The ones who miss birthdays, Christmas and various other holidays after they swear to be there. The excuses are always varied and never their fault but it doesn't matter after awhile.
I don't want to touch their ummmm greatness in any form.They had my sympathy until they lost my respect. I feel like Sam Kinison: "I WANT MY STUFF BACK!!". That stuff includes my respect for them, my feeling of friendship with these people and maybe an apology.
The main subject of this has been mentioned a few times in this, occasionally negatively, but this time I just don't care. Read through the posts and find him. Who cares? There's actually enough clues in this very post to figure it out.
I respected his friendship, and his creativity and him in general. Drugs will kill you, but if they don't, they steal a large part of your personality. You will never be the same and he isn't. There's a part of him that is dead as sure as if he had overdosed in an alley in LA. I hate that, but I'm finished denying it. What was left was this victim mentality which is unbearable. I've seen it in others but a lot of them, including myself, overcame it because it's just not feasible to be Camille in this world. This guy is living in torture because, oh hell, I'm not his shrink... let him figure it out. All I know is that I am there for my friends, good friends, bad friends or indifferent ones in times of crisis or anytime I'm needed. I'm hardwired that way. I was here for this guy for as long as I was allowed into his hallowed life. Oh yeah, to clarify, that meant when I had something he wanted. Materially that was quite a bit. Emotionally and intellectually as well. But I don't have a thing to offer after way too many years. Not sure I want to offer anymore either. I tried. All of the self serving people out there, I tried with all of you and now it's done. I'll answer your emails or calls or whatnot, but all of you get one more chance. That's it.
The title of this post is wishful thinking and another clue. The wishful thinking is just more delusional thinking on my part. You can't expect someone to change, you can hope but sometimes friendships just die. Maybe we'll run into each other at a show and share a laugh and that'll be a good memory. For the musicians in this post, maybe I'll go to one of your shows, stop by after to say hi, share a compliment on the show and an empty promise of getting together for a drink sometime and that'll be it. Maybe that's letting me live my own life or letting them live theirs. I know you need to work for your friendships, they are a luxury not a right. A few of my "friends" need to learn it. This is the nice version of this post.... the uncensored one can be found in my head and catch me on the right night and I'll be happy to tell ya!

later
me

p.s. Every single word or thought expressed in this post is mine and is not to be used anywhere without my permission or I'll go Major League Baseball on your ass! Translation.... stealing is bad, especially when I've let you use my words before. Actually the title is a title of a song that wasn't written by me, so that's up to the writer of the song.

All Apologies (For The Moment)

I issue a semi official apology to the Axl looking guy I called a heartbreaking bastard. Until further notice, he's a fantastic wonderful guy who lights up the earth just by being alive.
Ok, that's too much bullshit even for me... Until further notice he's a great and beautiful person that I'm happy is in my life and that I hope is still as amazingly hot as he always was. I hope this will satisfy all legal repercussions :)

L-
me

Jumble, Jumble

So there's a lot of stuff I want to say and being the organized writer I am, I've got some neat post all ready to go.
Can I see a show of hands of all of you that believe that? Damn... yeah, I'm just going to try to make this readable. This is what happens when you don't write as often as you should. There's a BBS post, a broken heart post, a happy that I found old friends post, the Chinese Democracy review, the people are idiots and I know them all post, the I have a crush on a guy I haven't seen in 19 years post, and the it's insane to really miss people you talk to on a regular basis post. There's also endless lists of stuff I could post. I think I'm going to make a list of all the other stuff, just high points and if anyone wants more ask me.

1. BBS Post- 10 year BBS and I aren't speaking. I'm really not happy about that. The 7 year BBS has been oddly sweet lately. I wonder what he's up to.
2. Broken heart post- see item 1. 10 year BBS meant lots to me.
3. Lots of joy there. A lot of questions and feelings that I haven't made sense of yet. Some people I need to see to try to figure them out. That'll show up in the missing people you now talk to on regular basis post. I hate living in the past, but sometimes you have to remember and figure out the past to see the present clearly. Better to do it and get it over with I guess.
4. Chinese Democracy- what the hell do you think the Axl obsessed person is going to say? Chinese Democracy good. Axl good. People who look like Axl- heartbreaking bastards.
5. People are idiots. I don't have anything short to say on this. I'll get to it eventually.
6. I have a crush on someone I haven't seen or talked to in 19 years. Ok. Add my name to the people are idiots list. Hopefully I'll see him at the reunion thing and remember that I don't have a crush on him.
7. You know who you are...you read this blog once and asked me about it. It's not a romantic thing, it's just realizing that there's a huge soft spot in my heart for you. Unless I get totally drunk and stupid, then who knows? I get kissy when I'm drunk. Just kidding babe, I know you're a good boy.
These all could and should have been full posts, maybe I'll revisit.. probably not.

later
me

edited because of a grammatical error that I missed.

Email Gone Blog Part Whatever

I've been writing a lot of serious stuff and decided to just have fun on this post.

1. If you could remove one food from the planet what would it be? Green Peppers
2. One movie? One??? The Apple Dumpling Gang
3. One Actor? Antonio Banderas
4. One Actress? Renee Zellweger
5. One band? The Grateful Dead
6. One color? Why do these things always ask about colors? Orange
7. One number? None...I think we need them all...
8. If you could only eat one food forever what would it be? Pickles
9. One movie? Rock And Roll High School
10. One tv show? Law and Order CI
11. One band? Motley Crue
12. One flower? Fire and Ice Rose
13. One piece of technology? Cell phone
14. One type of make up? Eyeliner
15. One piece of clothing? Little black suede boots
16. One actor? Steve Buscemi
17. One actress? Sandra Bullock
18. One tv actor? Tony Shaloub
19. One book? The Sicilian
20. One album? Appetite For Destruction

Easier than I thought.

later-
me

A Short BBS Handbook

In this post, I made a little semi-list of the rules of BBS.
My Life in Lists and Stupid Stories: Random Thoughts On Random Play

There are a few more things to expect in a BBS. The most important one is that they are always afraid of their feelings. You will never get honesty from them in front of them, ever. Don't expect it, you will get hurt. The honesty will come in the form of cryptic things said, texted, or emailed at weird hours so there is plausible deniablity. "I was drunk", "I just had a fight with (insert significant other who they are miserable with here)" and "I was overtired and rambling" are the three phrases you will hear most after one of these sessions.

Next, after one of these sessions, no matter what they tell you, you will never and I mean never hear from them the next day. They need time. To extricate themselves from whatever short term problem got them in contact with you. They need time to think about how they are going to deal with whatever they said to you and you to them. (A side note here. Another great BBS trick is to find out how you feel about them so that they can proceed to use it against you for 5 years or 10 years or whatever of treating you like garbage. I've got two of these running, one slightly over 10 years, and one about 7 years. It's so much fun. One is essentially a nice guy who comes off as having the best of intentions, but he's the reigning king of blow offs and hurtful stunts, the other one is a major asshole with extreme mental issues. Either way, they can both make me cry and they know it.) The other reason you won't hear from them right away after this, is that, since they didn't follow up the next day, they have to figure out how they are going to get back around without you being pissed. Someone who is a seasoned pro at dealing with BBS shit won't be pissed. Hell. it's in the handbook. They just deal with it, and the next BBS call may or may not be returned. Sometimes the victims of the BBS need time to deal as well. But eventually, all will go back to whatever state of normal there is.

A BBS will always have a relationship going on, even if it's imaginary. There will always be some major obstacle keeping him from whatever or whoever it is that they supposedly "really" want. The obstacle will always be female and they will always be controlling and dominating, so that the BBS has a ready and able excuse for his blow offs or other rotten behavior. The girl will also be used (see above) as an easy excuse for why they've called you at 3 am, or texted you at midnight or emailed you at 6:30 am with odd comments that might be taken as romantic and hopeful if they weren't coming from a BBS.

A BBS may or may not be aware that he's hurt you. He will hurt you, trust me on this one. To care, even mildly for a BBS promises tears and heartbreak. Hell, I've had BBS friends who have made me cry. A BBS may care that he's hurt you, but unless he's one of those into huge gestures (Personally, the most fun type, but they are a dying breed), it'll never be acknowledged. They either go big or stay home. Since they know they can hurt you and still reach you the next time around, what motivation do they have for trying to make it up to you? None, and that lies at the feet of the BBS victim. She allows it to happen, so they don't even have to try.

A true BBS will never know you. They might know all of your buttons and which ones to hit, but they won't know if you have siblings. They might know that you like a particular band, but that's just because you've played it in front of them. They won't know your favorite color, or what tv shows you like, or if you prefer vanilla or chocolate. They just won't. It's one of the things that clogs the way to a real relationship. Do you spend all your money (and therefore his) on clothes or books? Are you the type who likes to go out every night or are you comfortable at home? These are things that are important, but a BBS won't think of, to do so would spoil the big romantic notion he won't share with you.

Oddly, a girl who plays with BBS are big romantics, but that's just a side fact. That side fact keeps them around though, although with the romantic big gestured BBS fading, don't know if the girls will stay. The fact that a BBS will remember major nonpersonal holidays is nice, but they'll remember your birthday only if there is a clear reason for doing so. You'll get a five second phone call, if that, but it'll buy brownie points for the next few fuck ups. The BBS wars are hell, but some people are just drawn to it.

I am a veteran of these wars, scars and all. I'm ok with that. I like BBS. I know what to expect, and because of that, I can occasionally avoid some of the pain. Is it worth it? I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out.

later-
me

No, It Don't Really Matter

It's Christmas Eve...
I'm sick
I'm bored
I'm worried about various people who have much worse lives than mine at the moment
I'm hungry
I'm missing some people
I'm missing Sybil
I need to do laundry
I need to clean up a bit before tomorrow

But it don't really matter.......

I'm listening to Chinese Democracy......

Later-
me

I Want You More When You're Afraid Of Me

Today was a banner day. I was waiting until just the right moment to get my hands on my personal Rosetta Stone...Chinese Democracy. So, I finally got it in my greedy little hands and opened it and smelled that precious new cd smell..no mp3 or illegal downloading on this one. I had to have it in my hands. I'll save my downloading for live stuff.
It's Friday, so I'm out as usual, with the Chinese gold in my purse. The night was sweet and pleasant and I knew it was going to end with me listening to Axl and claiming this to be one of the best nights ever. Yeah right.
The door of the bar opened and in walked my best dream and my worst nightmare. The dream was dear sweet beautiful friend that I haven't seen in so long that I used to ache when I thought about him. I've missed him so much that I can't even truly put it into words.
The nightmare was...well..see the last post. The one about the guy that I will someday grow up to be. But as not all nightmares are evil, I was reasonably happy to see him, until I realized that he was overly drunk and there specifically to hurt me. He'd gotten some bad intel and said he was going to show up and teach me a lesson. He hasn't shown up for two years, so I didn't believe him. I've been wrong before and I was wrong now. The night wound up with him leaving..and (hee hee) taking a header in the snow outside the bar and me in tears.
For good or bad, everyone saw what he did and what he said and there wasn't anyone on his side, but that's kind of irrelevant. He took another step towards showing me what I have to look forward to. I know I will be him, but I don't want to. I don't want to be that malicious or cruel. I want to be able to not be afraid of my feelings like he is and I want to be free of what he's cost me. There's so much more to say, but I don't know what it is right now. But I promise I will revisit this subject.
I didn't listen to my Chinese gold tonight...it's just not a night to enjoy it.
Tomorrow's post will be by a guest writer and then I think I might have it together to talk some more about tonight.

L-
me

This Is What I Should I Have Posted On Friday

Tonight I’m invisible. I’m a modern day American ninja. I have my sunglasses on tight, I can see you, but you can’t see me. I have my iPod on, loud enough for me to hear the music and you. I’m running through a shuffle play right now, a mix of everything from Ice T to The Troggs, making me think, every second of every song. I have a book, but, I’m standing on the train and I can’t get to it. It would have only been more camouflage anyway.
You don’t see me and I don’t want you to. Tonight I’m a fraud, a liar and an empty shell waiting for the night to fill me up. Tonight I am myself, completely and totally. I belong to myself and I am a fraud. I accept that.
I’m on my way to an AA meeting. I’m a fraud there too. I use a false name because I don’t need or want their help and I want to be able to take off the persona when I walk out the door. I am a drug addict, but that’s no one’s business but my own. That addiction is honest.
I’m fascinated by the meetings, the sharing of deep feelings that feel sanitized because no one is truly ready to admit how bad they really are. Except the mental hospital chick and she is only a shadow in the crowd of people looking to find help for something they call a disease, but sit in a room and ask God for help with. God doesn’t cure cancer. God doesn’t cure AIDS. God doesn’t even cure the common cold, so why is this disease supposedly cured by God? It seems wrong and ironic at the same time. I’m trying to decide if AA is just another form of jailhouse religion, and why this meeting doesn’t have cookies.
The meeting is over and the more I stay away from these people, the more they approach me. It’s funny. I’m here with a friend who has to be here and they ignore him. So much for the ninja. Maybe he can teach me a trick or two.
My friend and I go to dinner and I have a glass of wine, it’s the first liquid to touch my mouth today except for the water used to brush my teeth and it tastes like kisses from a slightly pretentious rock star. The wine instead of Jack type. It’s a comfortable, relaxing dinner. I needed it. I had a bad fight today and I want to forget it. I want to forget that my life is full of emotionally broken people and that their words are weapons because they are all they have left. I took a few heavy blows in this fight and another part of myself died. Parts of me have been dying regularly these days and I wonder often how much is left before I become the shattered, psychotic, broken mirror that the former love of my life is. The man who tortured me more than anyone else, because I let him. I had to see the wreckage, because I know I’ll be there one day. I’ll be there. Not with him, but I will be him. I will be dead inside and won’t be able to pull up anything except venom and bile. He is my future, he is what I will grow up to be and it doesn’t scare me anymore. It really doesn’t bother me anymore either. I’ve always been curious as to who my soul mate was, and it doesn’t surprise me that it’s someone whose soul has died. It actually makes perfect sense. He’s a few years older than me and I figure when I’m his age I will be him.
We go to a bar after dinner. It’s the type of place that you go to like you go to work. It’s a routine, a habit you’re not fond of, but there you are. It’s a bar of hatred, pain, anger, frosted over with drunken smiles. “Aren’t we having fun?” They slur this while knifing someone in the back, or maybe ruining a friendship, or a marriage. Cruelty is the currency here. You better be ready with an insult or sarcastic crack if you’re going to play here. You can’t be weak. The weak aren’t eaten here, although it would be easier, they are paraded around with their weaknesses in neon. I’m not weak. Not here, never here. I know what has happened to others and I’m not going to be them. I’m just here. Sometimes I need to drink, sometimes, I want to see people, but mostly, I’m just here because it’s what I do.
I need to be pretty here tonight. I need to be a girl. I need to be weak. I can’t be and I know it. I have to ignore those who could give me solace, exactly because they would see it for the weakness it is. I need to swallow all of it, the betrayals of the last few weeks, the pain and shame of losing so much of what I believed in over a period of days. I have to swallow the isolation and devastation of having my hero dismiss me. I have to swallow the humiliation of the fight today. I have to be a fraud. I can’t need anyone, because that need would betray those who need me and would maybe put me on the path to being human. I want to go to someone, a very particular someone, wrap my arms around him and say “Let’s go for a walk around the block. Get some air.”. I don’t though, I can’t. To do that would knock down everything I’ve built up around me. He wouldn’t get it anyway. Who would?
Today I was a fraud, and I’m just waiting for the day when I grow up and become my future. Hold on to what you have of me now, because it’s running out fast. Soon, I’ll be the person you don’t talk to anymore because you know whatever I say will hurt you. I’ll be the person you all hate. But I’ll no longer be a fraud.

You Know Where You Are? You're In The Jungle Baby!

As I think everyone knows, I live in a very small world. My circle of friends is small, my circle of people who think they're my friend is sadly large, but basically, I am never very difficult to find. I'm just difficult to reach.
The place where I tend to hang out most Friday nights is laughingly called "high school with beer". That's not quite right, we had beer in high school and we still weren't this childish. It's a bar where most people have been hanging out forever, newcomers are noticed because they are just so rare and pretty much everyone wants to be king of the mountain.
I've written posts from the top and bottom of this mountain and I don't care much either way if I'm looking up or down, but for a lot of people, it's a huge deal. Everyone wants to be king. King of darts, king of pool, king of antisocial behavior (no, I'm not kidding), king of the jukebox, king of whatever. They just want to be king. It's a little minitown that every move is immediately sent on the grapevine, plans to hurt people are openly and cheerfully discussed and nothing you do or say is ignored.
The worst of it all is the male/female relations. All the guys are pigs and all the girls are sluts, or something like that. I've had in the past, and am having now, problems with simple basic friendships. If you are a girl, single, married or indifferent and you hang out with someone, talking, playing darts or pools or whatever, you are automatically sleeping with them. The most recent is with a friend I have known for longer than I've been going to this place and longer than I've known most of the people in my life these days. Is he an attractive guy? Absolutely. Is he a nice guy? Yeah. Is he smart and great to talk to? Without a doubt. Are we more than friends? Nope. Am I having to stop and think before I talk to him in public? Sadly, yes. Are there entire parts of the grapevine devoted to are we or aren't we? Yep. Is that as creepy and obtrusive as it seems? 100%.
So, to stop asking questions and sum stuff up, I have a friend with whom I would love to have a real friendship with, as I do with other people of the opposite sex, but it seems to becoming an impossibility. I don't care what people think, but if my friends care, then I have to respect them and their feelings.
In a place where everything is on display and if nothing is going on, it gets invented, it's amazing that any friendships survive. Yeah, while it's true that a lot of the male/female relationships at this place include cheating on a spouse or significant other, it's not always the case. Sometimes, it's just two people trying to carry on a conversation or a game of darts without being bothered. It's a bar right? People go there to relax and unwind and shed some of the problems of their day. But if the simple act of friendship is going to be hideously misconstrued, why bother?
I'm not going to wear the good guy badge here and claim that there is never any flirtiness or physical contact, but it's all harmless to everyone INVOLVED. There is no running off to Tijuana or Vegas or a cheap motel somewhere, and again, to the people INVOLVED, that's clear. But, if you're not involved, why should it matter? Most...ok all of my friends are male and there is a level of touchy feely with all of them. Some more than others, some less, no biggie. there's no misrepresentation or lies, it's just what it is.
I guess the point that I'm trying to make, is that while I'm little miss self reliant, I'm aware that there is a rumor mill and that there are people in there that aren't as headstrong as I am and actually care what others think. I just don't feel that I need to choose my friends based on what other people think. Maybe I should stop hanging out with my male friends and go drink cosmos in some high class lounge after shopping all day for shoes with the girls. Ok, I considered suicide writing that line, never gonna happen. I like my friends and I like being with them and talking with them and maybe having a friendship that doesn't have to be carried out on the grapevines of the world. Close friends are really hard to find, and what sex they are shouldn't matter. Every single one of my close friends is male and I wouldn't have it any other way. They may all be BBS, but I care for all of them. The point of all of this is... (wow..I feel like Doogie Howser) actually, i think i made my point.

later-
me

You Know I'm A Dreamer....

This past week has been a scary one. Bad things don't come in threes, they travel in packs. It's been a lot of ugliness that spins me back to times when this stuff was a daily occurrence. I have a friend in jail right now, I have another friend who stopped messing with needles, but decided that a couple more times for old time sakes wouldn't kill him. It didn't, but isn't that kind of irrelevant? I've had late night phone calls from people who claim they are dying. Are they? I have no idea, except to guess that we all are eventually, so who am I to question it? Another person from my past has died, with a lot of unresolved issues.
I always knew I'd never escape the darker areas of my life. I've always wanted to though. I daydream about a little apartment with a bedroom with carpet and a place to put all my books, so I don't have to freecycle a bunch every few months. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to have a house, but since I'm still pretty uncomfortable in large dark spaces, I'll stick with a little apartment.
Sometimes I wish that I never knew what drugs were like, or what it felt like to have sex against your will, or what it felt like to be alone and scared and not knowing what was going to happen to you. I wish I never felt the punch from people who were supposed to keep you safe. But I know all that way too well. I always kind of thought that it would be different when I grew up. Not when I turned 18 or 21, but when I grew up. I knew that wasn't going to happen at any preset time, but I figured that since I spent most of my life being responsible for one person or another, that there wouldn't be much growing up left to do. It's not any different because I'm still befriending the BBS and other people who are severely wounded in some form. I wonder what it would be like to be the one taken care of. My husband takes care of me in the financial ways, but emotionally, I'm still pretty much on my own. Most of my friends ( see the opening paragraph), still need someone to take care of them. As I have repeatedly said, I wonder what it would be like to have someone who listened and heard.
I miss a lot of people once in my life and a few who are on the edges of it. Like the guy from the last post. I miss him a lot and I have no idea why or how he became important. He's another Mr. Unreliable, so I doubt he'll be around much, if ever, but him being back, even marginally, makes me wish he wasn't. Now that I know he's around, not being able to see him is oddly painful. There's another wish...that the people I know weren't such fucking flakes.
The next post will probably be an ipod post, so I can finally do something easy and go back to doing a list.

Later-
me

It's Just A Jump To The Left...

What have I been up to lately? Living in a weird state of 1997/2001. I entered the Facebook time warp, but then it started to bleed out into other years. I reconnected with some people from my ugly past, pre1993 on Facebook, and after some soul searching about the open wounds I've been ignoring, I came to enjoy it. Then through a series of circumstances that couldn't be reproduced on a bet, I started reconnecting with people from 1997 and beyond.
1997 was the end of an era and the beginning of now. I split with my husband and met a lot of new people, including my current husband. But, he's not the point. Some people that I met in the beginning of 1997 and on are still heavily in my life, and some aren't. Then there are a few who were there, left, and came back, recently, now. Those are the ones that are the point.
There seems to be some unfinished business there. Not in a bad way, but friendships unexplored or relationships unnoticed. It's all very cool, but really odd. I blame it on the time warp week of Cruefest. That was a week of going out all week and hanging with the same people I was hanging with in 2001. A little taste of what passed for fun in 2001. Ever since then, there seems to be a revisiting of people and things from the past that doesn't show any sign of letting up. There are two people in particular that seem to be unopened gifts. One, I met in the worst possible way, that seems to be needing a friend and decided that I may be one. It's flattering and it's refreshing to deal with someone who has known me for awhile and doesn't judge me on the past me. The other is a bit more complicated. He's a person I've known was going to be important from the first time I saw him and I was right. We drifted away, but then reconnected recently, and we'll see what happens this time. Maybe he's not meant to be in my life, but maybe he is.
I'm not sure how much I like wandering back in time. I hate second guessing myself, and that's what this seems like. I know, what happens happens and all that, but it seems irrelevant to go back. It's going to happen whether I like it or not, but I wonder how it's all going to turn out. I also wonder why these people. There's no particular reason why they would be back around, but here they are, and I have to deal with it. I worry though, about the second guy in particular. He could do the most damage to my pretty little glass house, and that's a bit scary. friends of mine have already made comments about it, and it keeps me on my toes. Who knows what will happen in the future, but sadly, it all seems connected to my past.

Less Than Zero

A friend of mine did a series of posts on his blog about relationship injustices. He more than likely covered this, but it's my turn.

I don't have a lot of people I consider friends. There are a lot that consider me one. Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe not. I have one dearly cherished person who is flat out using me, whether he realizes it or not...you know who you are, and if you don't, I do.
I have friends, actual friends who I love dearly who are so wrapped up in their own things, that I hesitate before I try and try and try to call them. Eventually I get through, but most of the time, my natural defense mechanism is back by then and they probably don't understand that I was really upset in the first place. This doesn't make them right. Doesn't make me right either, just stating the facts.
This post is titled Less than Zero because I was thinking about that movie today and realizing that there are quite a few people in my life who are Julian. Then I watched it again and was sure that they are. No, they aren't whoring themselves out for their dealers, but they are the ones who you pull them out of the fire again and again and they give you the speech. You know the speech...this isn't a quote of Julian's speech, it's a variation on a theme. The "I love you so much, you're always there for me. Even when I'm a bad friend, you still care, even though I don't know why you do. You shouldn't care about me, I don't deserve it. I really really love you. You're the best! I promise to be better. A better person, a better friend, a whole new me." Until the next time, and there will be a next time. Some of those will be dead soon. Most, hopefully, won't be and maybe they'll catch themselves.
So, why do I do it? Why do I pick up these people time and again? Love mostly. If I didn't love them, I wouldn't do it.Even the guy I said was using me, I love to death. These people can be there for you though. If you catch them at the right time, they'll be there for you, but the right time is a split second. Miss it and it's gone forever.
As a reformed Julian/drama queen myself, I get so frustrated with these people. My life is pretty good, but not perfect. I'm not a handbook on clean and angelic living, but I do have things happen, when I need my pieces picked up. My core is strong enough that when that happens and the Julians are sleeping, getting wasted, or just disinclined to answer the phone, I can pick up my own pieces. Bully for me. I hate myself at times like those, because counting on a Julian is like loving a Broken Boy Soldier. They won't be there.
That's the catch 22. Surround yourself with Julians and Broken Boy Soldiers and you get to be really strong. Be really strong and all you will attract is Julians and Broken Boy Soldiers. It's a bitch, and unfair, but it's life. To every person their own life is the center of the universe, my own as well, but sometimes, you need to be the shoulder getting cried on, instead of the one crying.

Cruefest Review

Trying to strike a balance between my Nikki can do no wrong stand and reality isn't as easy as you'd think. I think I managed it. It's a little Nikki heavy, naturally, but all in all, it's a decent review.

Trapt-Didn't see them, heard good things.
Sixx A.M.- Missed the first song and a half, but there was decent crowd response and they sounded a bit too much like the album. I know the album is effect heavy, and it really showed. They were fun to watch, except when Nikki turned sideways and blended in with some equipment. I would like to see them to a full set though.
Papa Roach- Kinda saw them and they got a great crowd response. I recognized some of their songs, from bars I've been in, but nothing really stuck out for me. I wouldn't pay to see them alone and generally, they put on an ok show.
Buckcherry- Amazing crowd response. Ok, that said.... Now, excuse me kind Buckcherry sirs, are you aware that you had a second album from which there was a hit? The album was called Time Bomb and the hit was called Ridin. It's an excellent album and you should have played something from it.
I had a very hard time watching them. While they were great and I really do like them, the show itself was so formulaic that it kind of overpowered everything.
a)Open with first hit off first album. Check.
b)Play third hit off third album. Check.
c)Talk to the crowd about how much you like to drink and fuck,then go into song about drinking and fucking. Check.
d)Play big ballad hit off third album. Check.
e)Work the crowd "Hey Chicago, we really love it here". Check.
f)Play long extended version of monster hit with 2 Zeppelinesque covers worked in. Check.
g)Work the crowd while performing above monster hit. Playing to all the "Crazy Bitches" out there. Check.
Yawn. Good show, if I hadn't seen it done by a thousand other bands. This is in no way a bashing of Buckcherry. They have energy, talent and charisma to spare, but they should ditch the formula and just have some fun. I have all their stuff and will continue to buy it, but I'd like to see them not on the Fest circuit. They are much better than their stage show.
Which brings us to...... MOTLEY FUCKING CRUE
This is where it gets sticky. Having seen the Crue so many times, I saw the difference between this, a festival show and a normal Crue show. This was very badly spaced, and they kept throwing the timing off. Building up to a frenzy, then stopping dead. It wasn't like any Crue show I'd seen before, and while it was good, it wasn't great. It didn't fall into the worst ten Crue shows I've seen, it wasn't in the ten best either. Basically, it was a lot of fun and a great way to spend an evening and fuck it, Nikki was there, so it couldn't be all that bad.
I'm going to break this down into little bitty pieces, so get ready.
Vince. Is now taking singing lessons. Who the fuck needs a trill in Shout At The Devil? For VINCE (which really puts this on a pretty low scale), he looked good. Not bloated and he was moving around and seemed to be enjoying himself. He sounded better than he has in awhile (trill not included) and he kept up his end of the show pretty well.
Tommy. Didn't see much of him. Sounded good, sounded drunk, sounded like Tommy. His little performance with the Tit E. Cam was amusing, and one of the only two times he stepped out from behind the drums. The drum kit was huge and kind of blocked him from the crowd, which is just weird for Tommy. He played piano (of course) on Home Sweet Home (another manipulate the crowd moment, which I'll cover later), and he looked happy. He's Tommy, it's not all that complicated.
Mick. He moves! He plays! He occasionally smiles! It was great! It's always a comfort to look at that side of the stage and see Mick. There was also a lot of interaction between him and Nikki and Vince which was nice to see after all the years of infighting. He sounded fantastic and that made the show worth it for that alone.
Songs. They only played two songs off the new album, which is really nice. I hate having the new album shoved down my throat. In other towns they played other songs, but I can't review them, I can only wish they had played them. This was the first Crue show I have ever seen where I didn't hear "Too Young To Fall In Love" and/or "Too Fast For Love". Oddly I was bitterly disappointed by that. I don't need to hear Primal Scream or Same Old Situation, but they needed to play them I guess. The songs sounded great, they were just placed in such an awkward order that I'm thinking Nikki must have been doing something else when the set list was made. It seems to be a pretty solid set list from show to show. The other songs get put in to replace Motherfucker Of The Year if the crowd doesn't respond to Saints Of Los Angeles. They could keep the same list, but play around with it so that it flows a little better and it would be a great show.
Crowd and stage show. Typical insane Crue reaction. They really really really need to stop playing manipulate the audience though. It broke up the flow of the show and it's not really necessary, they're Motley Crue. I don't want to (and actually can't)say "Fuck you Sixx" and I don't want to hear that Detroit is a louder crowd. I don't want to play sit down/stand up games. I don't want to see the Tit E. Cam emerging from it's dressing room/ladies room, just bring the fucking thing out. I don't want to be offered a shot from a bottle of Jager from a man who has Hepatitis. I don't want to hold up my right hand and make motorcycle moves. I just want to hear some great music played by a great band. They don't need all these gimmicks, almost everyone there knew and loved them anyway. I'm assuming that maybe some of them weren't there for the Crue, so that's why I say almost. But in general, the only thing that truly manipulated me was the whole Home Sweet Home thing. That was the only song in the encore. They came out, Tommy sitting at the white piano, Nikki wearing a white hat and coat and all four of them played it together while images from their history played on the big screens. Although...who played drums? Tommy was at the piano. Intermingled with the images were scenes from the HSH video... coulda skipped that. Lots of pyro, one of which almost set Nikki on fire. Typical Crue show.
I seem to be forgetting something... let's see... Vince, Tommy, Mick, songs, crowd, stage show...what is it? Oh I remember (see, a bit of Crue like manipulation, not all that great.)NIKKI!
Nikki. What can I say? Nikki sounded great, looked great, except for the weird Quasimodo bass positions in the beginning of the show. Nikki is great, and considering he, as the President of 11-7 records, brought all of this together, I gotta be impressed. I wish he was above the crowd manipulations, he flat out was the worst offender of the day on that one, but he does know how to work a crowd in other ways. He was smiling (I think we need to thank Kat Von D. for that)and seemed and looked just fucking thrilled to be out on that stage. I tend to get very distracted by Nikki onstage, just because of him being Nikki Sixx, but this time he interacted with everyone, and I got to see more of the control he wields and the bonds with everyone. Mostly Mick. The weirdest interaction was when the new improved singing Vince tried to hit a note he used to hit back when the song was originally recorded. He was standing next to Nikki when he hit it and the look of astonishment on Nikki's face was hysterical. All in all, with the exception of the crowd crap, Nikki was, as usual, the high point of the night. He does need to take a closer look at the set list though, seriously.

Later-
me

Desert Island Part 2

Now that I can look at my last post without getting queasy, I decided to go easy on myself for this next one. These are the next 10 questions in the desert island email from hell.

1. What five movie stars would you bring?
a)Johnny Depp
b)Angelina Jolie
c)Sandra Bullock
d)Steve Buscemi
e)DJ Qualls

2. What five TV stars would you bring?
a)Matthew Gray Gubler
b)Charlie Sheen
c)Vincent D'Onforio
d)Hugh Laurie
e)Gary Sinise

3. What five sports figures would you bring?
a)Charles Barkley
b)Manny Ramirez
c)A.J. Pierzynski
d)Darius Kasparaitis
e)Phil Hellmuth
If one of those can't make it then Antonio Esfandiari will fill in

4. What five movies would you bring?
a)A Christmas Story
b)Purple Rain
c)The Crow
d)The Usual Suspects
e)The Nightmare Before Christmas

5. What five recent TV shows would you bring? Remember all new episodes will be added as they are released.
a)All Law and Orders
b)Criminal Minds
c)House
d)Bones
e)Hell's Kitchen

6. What five older shows would you bring?
a)Barney Miller
b)Saturday Night Live
c)The Odd Couple
d)The Gilmore Girls
e)The Facts Of Life

7. Which five actors entire body of work would you bring?
a)Leonardo DeCaprio (I don't have to watch Titanic)
b)Johnny Depp
c)Kevin Spacey
d)Reese Witherspoon
e)Steve Buscemi

8. Which five authors entire body of work would you bring? all new works will be added.
a)Robert B. Parker
b)J.D. Robb
c)Mario Puzo
d)John Steinbeck
e)Jonathan Kellerman

9. Which five specific book series, if any, not covered by the authors above would you bring? You only get the books in that series added as the come out.
a)The Sisterhood series by Fern Michaels
b)The Lucas Davenport series by John Sanford ( Luckily this includes crossovers with the Kidd series)
c)The Hannah Swensen series by JoAnne Fluke
d)The Kinsey Milhone series by Sue Grafton
e)The Stone Barrington series (and all its crossovers) by Stuart Woods

10. What five magazines would you bring?
a)Entertainment Weekly
b)Rolling Stone
c)Reader's Digest
d)Vanity Fair
e) Us Weekly

It just gets weirder from here....

Later
me

I Remember You

Sometimes people in life are around for no other reason than to simply bring joy and happiness into other's lives. Usually, those people have a lot of pain and heartache in their own life and that makes them even more amazing. This post is about one of them.

Life was never easy for Joey Ramone. He was a sickly kid and then almost crippled by OCD. He died way too young. We all know that.

What else we know is that he was a talented man. He was a very smart man. He was a kind man.

He was also a bitter man. A lonely man. A tortured man.

For the most part, he made people happy. His music brings joy and a wistful sense of hope for love and romance. The hope of those things was what he had. It's not what he had, it's what he wanted.

I spoke with Joey too many times to count in the year before his death and he was usually optimistic. He had a lot to say and I was lucky enough to hear and document it. I personally did the last known interview with Joey. Here's the link. To the best of my knowledge, it's never been reprinted anywhere. I've never approved it to be, so this is the only place to find it. There's another interview that I did with him on there as well.

www.musicgourmets.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=2360

I have pages upon pages of interviews with him, as well as spoke to him "off the record" for hours and came to the conclusion that Joey was human. He had flaws, but at the core, he was a good guy and I sincerely miss him.

The love of the Ramones and especially Joey is another essential part of me. They weren't in my life for the entire time, but when they finally did wander onto my radar, I can't possibly imagine what I listened to before.

I've been watching a documentary the last few days, not The End Of The Century, but I do recommend that one. It's been hard, I have to keep stopping to cry. Joey's life was so good and so heartbreakingly sad. All he wanted was to have a girl to hold hands with and love. We all deserve that, but maybe Joey a little more than the rest of us. Now that he's gone, it's even sadder that that simple dream was denied him.

Someone like Joey deserved every dream he ever reached for. He overcame a lot and didn't get a quarter of the good things he so richly deserved. That's the downside of The Ramones, I guess. Everyone knew them, but everyone overlooked them. Now three of them are gone and all we have is some of the most incredible music ever put out there, some documentaries, some books and a billion ripoff bands. Don't ever let anyone say that they didn't try. They tried harder than anyone could have tried, fought harder than most and now they're gone. I cried when they split, and I cry now when I think about Joey. But, nothing and I mean NOTHING can take away my love for their music, the electric jolt I get at an opening note or 1-2-3-4 or the happiness I get from hearing them.

I've lots more to say, but not enough emotional strength to say it. Just remember if you find "The One", fight for it, hard. Fight like Joey. Someone deserves to succeed.

Later,
Me