Less Than Zero

A friend of mine did a series of posts on his blog about relationship injustices. He more than likely covered this, but it's my turn.

I don't have a lot of people I consider friends. There are a lot that consider me one. Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe not. I have one dearly cherished person who is flat out using me, whether he realizes it or not...you know who you are, and if you don't, I do.
I have friends, actual friends who I love dearly who are so wrapped up in their own things, that I hesitate before I try and try and try to call them. Eventually I get through, but most of the time, my natural defense mechanism is back by then and they probably don't understand that I was really upset in the first place. This doesn't make them right. Doesn't make me right either, just stating the facts.
This post is titled Less than Zero because I was thinking about that movie today and realizing that there are quite a few people in my life who are Julian. Then I watched it again and was sure that they are. No, they aren't whoring themselves out for their dealers, but they are the ones who you pull them out of the fire again and again and they give you the speech. You know the speech...this isn't a quote of Julian's speech, it's a variation on a theme. The "I love you so much, you're always there for me. Even when I'm a bad friend, you still care, even though I don't know why you do. You shouldn't care about me, I don't deserve it. I really really love you. You're the best! I promise to be better. A better person, a better friend, a whole new me." Until the next time, and there will be a next time. Some of those will be dead soon. Most, hopefully, won't be and maybe they'll catch themselves.
So, why do I do it? Why do I pick up these people time and again? Love mostly. If I didn't love them, I wouldn't do it.Even the guy I said was using me, I love to death. These people can be there for you though. If you catch them at the right time, they'll be there for you, but the right time is a split second. Miss it and it's gone forever.
As a reformed Julian/drama queen myself, I get so frustrated with these people. My life is pretty good, but not perfect. I'm not a handbook on clean and angelic living, but I do have things happen, when I need my pieces picked up. My core is strong enough that when that happens and the Julians are sleeping, getting wasted, or just disinclined to answer the phone, I can pick up my own pieces. Bully for me. I hate myself at times like those, because counting on a Julian is like loving a Broken Boy Soldier. They won't be there.
That's the catch 22. Surround yourself with Julians and Broken Boy Soldiers and you get to be really strong. Be really strong and all you will attract is Julians and Broken Boy Soldiers. It's a bitch, and unfair, but it's life. To every person their own life is the center of the universe, my own as well, but sometimes, you need to be the shoulder getting cried on, instead of the one crying.