More Email Gone Blog

This one was kind of fun and so I'm putting it here. Don't tell me you expected some sort of end of the year wrap up. I've got a few days left, but don't hold your breath.

1. What's the most annoying thing that's happened to you this week? Dealing with a problem with my cell phone.
2. What are the last five songs you listened to before the one you're listening to right now?
a) Safety Dance-Men Without Hats
b) Irresponsible Hate Anthem-Marilyn Manson
c) Malibu-Hole
d) Baby It's You-The Chamber Strings
e) Detroit Rock City-Kiss
3. What are you listening to right now? Dream On-Depeche Mode
4. What luxury item can you never get enough of? Good Champagne
5. What's the last concert you saw? I Love Rich
6. What's the last movie you saw? The Simpsons Movie
7. What's the last tv show you saw? Two and A Half Men
8. What's the last thing you ate? Caesar salad
9. What's the biggest misconception about you? That I care
10. What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Nothing, but Coldstone cake batter ice cream... I could negotiate.
11. What's the most unrealistic occupation you've ever dreamed of having? Teaching
12. Do you have plans for the weekend? Yes.
13. Do you have plans for New Year's Eve? No
14. Do you have OCD? Yes
15. Are you drunk right now? No
16. Are you high right now? No
17. Would you rather be doing something else right now? Yes
18. Would you rather be with someone else right now? Well, considering it's me and the cat right now, yes.
19. What's the best thing that's happened to you this week? Saw an old friend.. well kind of an old friend... someone I used to know. That was nice, didn't realize that I'd missed him until I saw him. I tend to forget the nice people I used to know.
20. What's the worst thing that's happened? A crazy phone call from someone I care about and a text message I can't explain.
21. Did you have a good week? All in all yeah.
22. Would you relive this week? If I had to, it wasn't that bad. I've had better weeks to relive though.
23. Would you live a week in your hero's shoes? Nikki? Hell yes!
24. Would you live a week in your worst enemies shoes? Don't really have a worst enemy, but if I did, sure... think of the damage I could do in a week!
25. Would you change anything that you did this week? Probably not. I didn't really do anything.

That's it. Like I said, that one was kind of fun.

Later-
me

You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory

If you take a memory, any memory really, and ask people who were involved with that memory, none of you will remember it the same way. I swear I have a fantastic memory, but what if I don't? What if all my memories are tainted with the way I needed to see them at that moment?
This is a mixed up post, but it's based on another reaction to the Heroin Diaries and a long conversation with a friend a few days ago. I used to spend a lot of time fucked up in one form or another, and now, reading that book, I wonder, if my memories of having fun and laughing, were my perception and I was actually hurting people or ruining someone else's good time.
I have a friend and a semi-friend who were very proud of their quick wit and intellect. But, sometimes they used that in a negative way. Sometimes they were bullies. I laughed at their antics a lot, so maybe I was one too, but that's not my point. My point is, how many times did they devastate someone , or spoil what might otherwise have been a great evening out.
I also have another friend, who is really a good guy at heart, who gets his kicks from seeing two people having a good time together, not PDA, as much as just talking, laughing and creating a connection, and he has to go over and break it up and talk the female in the duo into wandering away and hanging out with him. He's fun to be around, so the girl walks away with good memories of her night, but were those the memories she wanted or should have had?
There's another guy, rapier wit and amazing intelligence, who has spoiled many a night by knowing exactly what button to hit on someone. He's flawless at it and it's great fun to watch, but once again, do those people go home at night and think about all the things they did, or do they think about what he said. From some of the people I've talked to, it's the mean comment that gets dwelled upon.
In The Heroin Diaries, and The Dirt by extension, Nikki and Tommy did just that on a regular basis. They hurt people who got in the way of their fun. Or, they hurt people in the name of having fun. I know for a fact I've done that myself. I've done it to people I love, people who I like and people that I couldn't care less about. That's selfish, I know, and I don't much care, but I wonder what my memories look like on the other side of the table.
People paint me as so nice, but I'm not. I'm a bully in my own way. I'm demanding and bitchy, and I'm aware of it. Sometimes the insults pop out of my mouth before I have even had time to realize I've thought them. It's instinct, like it is with every person mentioned above.
I'm very similiar to the friend, semi-friend and rapier wit guy mentioned above, as well as to Nikki Sixx, and now, I wonder, how many people went home at one point or another stinging over something I said or did. I can't take it back, and wouldn't if I could, but it'd be an interesting figure to have.
Does this mean I'm going to be nice from now on? No. Does this mean I'm going to think before I speak? No. It just means I'm aware that I might be screwing up someone's evening and I'm ok with it. Does that make me awful? Probably, but I couldn't live with myself any other way.
But the memories that I carry of the special evenings out, that just fell into my lap by good timing and luck, I treasure. I love thinking of them and I'm sure I'll pull them out when I'm older and relish them just as much. There are the "Cone Of Silence" memories, when myself and a friend just sat and talked and were so intimidating, I guess, that no one would interrupt us. I love those memories, because they can't be recreated. Those nights just happened and I carry them in my heart always. People who wanted to spend time with me were hurt during the creation of those memories, but I wouldn't trade a second of them for anything in the world. I can't even honestly say that I'm sorry that I hurt those people back then, because I'm not. I was creating memories that I take to bed with me and dream about. Those were the nights that were pink castles and apple blossoms and fuck anyone who got hurt in the process.
My phone calls with another friend are up there too. I let bunches of people go to voicemail, so I can talk to this guy. We're just friends, but I get so much nourishment from those conversations that it's worth pissing a few people off.
There's another friend who I see way too rarely, but we keep in touch and go to lunch once in awhile that I've known forever and just knowing he's out there, thinking of me...stealing rocks from Anton LaVey's house for me, makes me stronger. I have so many fantastic memories of time spent with this guy that there isn't enough room to tell them all here. But trust me he's special, and I'm honored to have him as a friend.
To wrap up a mixed up post, which I did warn you was going to be mixed up, I'm just going to say, enjoy all your great memories, but try and remember that other people have memories too. Theirs might not be as great as yours.

Another Email Gone Blog

I got another one of those stupid question emails, and as usual I thought I'd share.

1. What color do you hate? Orange
2. What color do you love? Purple
3. What celebrity do you hate the most? Carmen Electra
4. Which celebrity do you love the most? Nikki Sixx
5. Do you believe in reincarnation? Sometimes.
6. Do you believe in God? Yes
7. Are you afraid of death? I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid of dying before I accomplish what I want to here.
8. Will you go to heaven? Hope not... a life of Satanism wasted on heaven would truly suck.
9. Would you eat a worm? In heaven? I hate disjointed questions. I ate one when I was a kid, so yeah I guess so.
10. Have you even seen a rainbow? Yeah
11. Do you know anyone from a foreign country? Yeah
12. Have you ever ran away from home? Not really, I just moved out.
13. Have you ever cried? Really stupid question, I'm human, of course I've cried.
14. Have you ever danced on a bar? Yeah
15. What's the last book you read? My Sister's Keeper and it sucked.
16. What's the last movie you saw? I Know Who Killed Me
17. Have you ever hit someone so hard they bled? Yeah
18. Are you tough? In what regard... maybe.
19. Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? Yeah
20. Will you repost this? On my blog yeah, but I'm not sending it to anyone else.

Ok, I've shared email stupidity. What fun....

Sixx Sixx Sixx

This post has been simmering for awhile, because it's very close to my heart and I wanted to be sure that I knew all my feelings before I got here.
I read The Heroin Diaries (I know..shocking) and have a lot of thoughts on it. This is part one of what will probably be an off and on series of posts about this book.
As I have said before many, many times, I identify with Nikki Sixx and I always have. This book made me understand more of why I do. We both have a lot of the same parent issues, we both are never satisfied with anything in our lives and we both lived with a giant hole in ourselves which we filled with evil, music, mischief, drugs and sex. Although he played music, and I mostly listened.
We both have severe psychological problems, which we both take medication to control, I think we're actually on the same one these days. We're both generally extremely antisocial, although immensely controlling of any room we enter and we spend a lot of time making sure we're near the exit. We're both dominant and manipulative. We're bossy and have to have our way and usually get it. We love and hate with a passion that scares us both and we're both overly obsessive. Hell, we even like the same kind of furniture and architecture.
Now, having said all that about a perfect stranger, this book opened a lot more wounds in me than it healed. Nikki is the only person I have ever idolized, and that makes me wonder just how narcissistic I truly am. I'd love to idolize someone that I have nothing in common with, but sadly, that didn't happen. I swear, if I won the lottery tomorrow, I would spend most of it on Nikki memorabilia...remember Sebastian Bach's house on Cribs..like that, but cooler. I'd have an entire Nikki room, filled with real stuff, not a signed magazine cover bought off ebay for a buck plus shipping.
Back to the book, his diaries for that time, the way he was feeling and the thoughts he was having, not about the dope, but about his life, his parents, the people he knew, I've been brain in brain with those same thoughts. It made me think harder and longer about things than I have in a very long time. I don't know if I would ever want to sit down and talk to Nikki, because I talking to him might make me realize some of the stuff I've locked in my head and since he insists on dealing with his crap, I'd be afraid I'd have to as well. I've followed in his wake for a long time, hair color, drink of choice, stupid shit like that, as well as some of the more serious things, that I keep coming back to dealing with things, as he's done and seeing if I come out on the other side as strongly as he has. But I'm not Nikki. I've always known that (one crazy issue down, a billion more to go), but I have a part of him in me and it's kind of cool.
The Heroin Diaries is one of the scariest books I've ever confronted, because after a few pages I didn't read it, I dealt with it, because I saw new and scary parts of Nikki as well as new and scary parts of myself.
I have a lot more to say on this topic, but I have to put it together. You'll read more on this topic a few posts from now. No list, there's already one on here.

If I Can Just Hear Your Pretty Voice I Don't Think I Need To See You At All

Off and on for years, I've had conversations with people about the sexiest singers. Not the sexiest looking, but the sexiest sounding. A lot of the people on my list are dead, which is just weird, but it's still an interesting thing to think about.

1. Marc Bolan
That man could have made the manual from my computer sound sexy. His voice is almost like a caress. There's something about his voice that I can't explain, but it gets under my skin like no other.

2. Michael Hutchence
Need You Tonight is still one of the sexiest songs I've ever heard. I dated a guy who sang it to me, just because he sang it to me. Michael Hutchence had a swagger in his voice that had a sexy edge, not a sarcastic one like Simon LeBon's for example. That guy knew he was sexy and that was in every note he sang.

3. Chris Whitley
Sincerity is sexy, and Chris had sincerity coming out of his pores. His voice was so gentle and moving that I actually can't have sex to his music... it's too engrossing.

4. Jack White
Finally, someone who is alive. His sexiness comes from his words. His lyrics are the words of someone who uses his brain and his heart when he writes and that's sexy. Someone who can strip his soul bare one second and the next be happy and romantic and the next be a sarcastic jerk. Wrap it up, I'll take it. Jack's a sexy singer.

5. Axl Rose
The jury is still out on whether he's alive, so put him into whatever category you want. I'm going to take a lot of shit for adding him on this list, but to me his voice is sexy. deal with it.

6. Andy Wood
Back to the dead. His ballads are so peaceful and gentle that it's like being wrapped in cashmere.

7. Stiv Bators
Lords Of The New Church era only. His voice had matured and hinted at the dark side..the lyrics were definitely on the dark side and we all know I love the dark side. It always came off that he knew something a little more dangerous, sexy, and fun and you should join him.

8. Josh Todd
His voice is just gravel, down and dirty. Totally sexy.

9. Dave Gahan
I just noticed this lately, mainly because I never really cared for the band, but his voice has a dark edge.

10. Scott Weiland
I have no idea why.

Over half that list is dead people.

The sexiest singers looks wise?
1. Old Axl

2. Jack White unless he has that stupid bowl cut

3. Michael Hutchence

4. Taime Downe. Have you seen him these days.... yum

5. Old Marilyn Manson
6. Jon Bon Jovi

7. Chris Whitley

8. Mike Monroe

9. Constantine Maroulis

10. Sebastian Bach from his Rolling Stone cover.... in those gold pants.

Don't Put Another Dime In The Jukebox

We all have songs that we can't listen to because someone or something has ruined them for us forever. Notice how those are always the songs we pull out when we want to be miserable. I think I have enough for a list, so here they are.

1. Photograph by Def Leppard
This song is the absolute description of a non-relationship I had. It's such a shame because I love this song so much, but now it's incredibly difficult to listen to. It's the song that will forever make me ache for THE ONE who got away. Also see #9. Same person, different song.

2. December-Collective Soul
This song started out so well. It was in a scene in a soap opera and I really liked it, but it became a song that reminds me of someone who got away.

3. I Want To Be Your Boyfriend-The Ramones
A really horrible relationship started with someone singing this to me.

4. Have I Told You Lately-Rod Stewart
I can't even own a copy of this song.

5. I Want You Around-The Ramones
Someone used to sing this to me every night. I still cry when I hear it.

6. The Speed Of Pain-Marilyn Manson
Someone dedicated this to me and I relive the relationship whenever I hear it.

7. User Friendly-Marilyn Manson
See Above.

8. Dying-Hole
It's the ultimate breakup song and it was the theme for an extremely destructive relationship. Still adore it though.

9. Think About You-Guns N Roses
"I love you best"....... speaks all says all

10. Wild Thing-Sam Kinison
I adore the original of this, but when Sam did this song there was a speaking part. "Somewhere someone, whether it was last week or sixth grade, someone broke your heart! What was her name?" I was sitting in a room with a bunch of my friends, the majority were guys and almost all of them yelled out "Wendi!". I haven't been able to listen to it since.

Later-
Me

Did You Ever Know That You're My Hero?

The word idol is thrown around so much. American Idol? Ummm...no... I don't idolize the chick who couldn't even read when she won or the gray haired Joe Cocker copy.
I know I idolize Nikki Sixx, but there are a lot of other people I respect tremendously. They all have one thing in common, they did things their way. They took the hard road the majority of the time and they came out on the other side, stronger and better. A few of them may have had it easier than others, but they still accomplished what they wanted on their terms. I don't idolize these people, but I admire and respect them and am grateful that I discovered them, whether they be musicians, athletes, actors, or just everyday people. There aren't a lot of everyday people on this list, because everyday people usually have to cave in at some point. So, for the sake of clarity, I'm just going to list the famous. So I guess the list is 11 people I respect and admire..in no particular order. Nikki will NOT be on the list as I just flat out idolize him. He is higher than everyone else on this list and always will be.

1. Kevin Smith
2. Boy George
3. Charles Barkley
4. Jack White
5. Axl Rose
6. Johnny Depp
7. Darius Kasparaitis
8. Courtney Love
9. Mick Foley
10. Joey Ramone
11. Manny Ramirez

These people are brave enough to tell people to fuck off, and live out the life they envision. A few, like Axl, Darius and Boy George have gone through some rough times, but they are still who they are and if you don't like it, they don't much care. What they all have is incredible talent in whatever they chose to do and I truly respect talent and ambition and a desire to be your own person. Individuality is what I look for in anyone I deal with in any from. If you're a follower, you're not my type of person. If your individuality is fake, I can spot it and that will drive me away. The weakest link on this list is Axl, because with the hair thing and the bad plastic surgery, he seems like a follower, but he coasts on his talent and determination.
I do what I want, say what I think and personally don't give a damn what others think, because it's a waste of time. Those who are meant to be around you will be, those who aren't will drop away and that's the way it should be. It goes to figure that I admire people who stand on their own and are honest.

Later-
Me

This is my odd to do list. Things I need to remember to take care of before the end of next month. This time of year gets clogged up with stuff, so, maybe if I write it out, I'll remember them all.

1. October 7th... The White Stripes show. Oops, no, that got cancelled. Cool, already one thing scratched off.
2. October 18th... Van Halen show, but that's super iffy, so we'll count that as scratched off too.
3. October 20th.... Sweetest Day. We don't really celebrate it, but my mom still expects some sort of remembrance, so maybe I'll get her a magnet. Not being cheap, she collects them.
4. October 23rd... Call my friend Boz and wish him a happy birthday. Easy enough.
5. October 30th... third anniversary. Figure out gift, which is harder than you'd think. My husband is really hard to shop for.
6. October 31st... Halloween. My favorite holiday. I will spend most of October decorating my house and buying candy for all the trick or treaters we don't get. I usually just buy candy we like, I've learned over the years.
7. Call my friend Shawn.
8. Call my friend Sil.
9. Call my brother.
10. Call my ex stepmother.
11. Nag my husband about calling his sister.
12. Call my friend Kathy.

That's about it. Super boring list, but it's easy writing.

Later-
Me

Another Random Ipod Post

It's time for another one of those free associating random play lists. I like doing these, because, hopefully, it pulls up something that I haven't thought of in awhile.



1. Money Changes Everything- Cyndi Lauper

Figures, I really like this song, but it doesn't really bring up any major memories, except being in school and insisting to friends that she had a better voice than Madonna. I'm still right on that one.

2. Effect and Cause- The White Stripes

This is a live version, and this is still too new, live or otherwise to have any deep seeded memories. I remember seeing them perform it on Conan, they did a good job. I really do like this song, though. It's one of my favorites on Icky. It does remind me that I never really reviewed Icky here... I'll get to it, maybe.

3. I Want You- Hanoi Rocks

One of my favorite songs off my favorite Hanoi album. I've listened to this song so many times over the years and it always makes me smile. It's a cheerful type of song, musically anyway. The lyrics are a little desperate, but the song is so strong musically that it just pisses me off at Vince Neil all over again. I also remember listening to this song with those huge headphones, turned up ultra loud trying to figure out this one word Mike Monroe was saying. It turned out to be whoo. His sax on this track is so great.... the new stuff is alright, but Mike and Andy are both so bitter and jaded now.... this old stuff is just the best.

4. Nightrain-Guns N Roses

Wow. Ok, memories from any song on this album are so strong. There's the overwhelming strength behind this song. I used to use it when I was nervous about doing something. Oh hell, I used the whole album for that. Throw on GNR and I could breeze through anything. There were also the times, hanging out with my friends where this song would come on and the whole room would just explode into song. This song would get played so much by my old friends that it's permanently embedded as a happy song. It's connected to some really great memories, except for the night we actually tried Night Train and man does that shit suck! I could and will do a whole post on Appetite someday, it's worth it.

5. Sanctified- Nine Inch Nails

PHM is in the top 3 of my favorite albums. It's usually in the number one spot, but there have been some White Stripes entries that have briefly hit the top spot. It's also my go to album for relationship angst. There are memories attached to this song, but there aren't any that are happy ones. This song pretty much is attached to any major breakup I've had since it came out. Listening to it now, without a break up going on, I'm just really enjoying it.

6. Pin Your Heart To Me-The Jacobites.

This song makes me think of Kevin Junior. He turned me onto the Jacobites and threw this song on a tape for me. The tape was some Hanoi stuff and then some other stuff as tape filler. There was an amazing Dogs track as well, but I loved this song. I asked him about The Jacobites one day and it opened up the floodgates on one of the longest music related conversations I've ever had. We were working together at the time at a record store that wasn't really busy and the conversation pretty much lasted all day. I had an enormous crush on him at the time, I think I've mentioned that here before, and therefore, whatever he said was of earth shattering importance, but when the crush faded..years later sadly, this song remained and I still think of him every time I hear it. The nice thing is there are no bad memories attached to Kevin so the song remains pure and I still love it as much as I did the first day I heard it. Except, the one on the tape, I'd swear is a different version that the one I have on disc now. I still have the tape somewhere, I should find it and double check...but I doubt the tape is even playable, even if I could find it. But I still have a version and still listen to it, so it's all happy stuff.

7. Little Red Corvette-Prince

I remember this song making one of my friends in high school cry because she just overloaded on the fact that this song was about sex. I was terrified to play the 1999 album for her, or anything he did before that. It still makes me laugh to think about it. I also remember dancing to this song with a guy I was dating and we were fighting through the entire song. That makes me laugh too. I was a huge Prince junkie and am still a fan and I just loved this song because it was just so much fun. I loved Delirious for the same reason.

8. Helpless-Metallica
This one has dark memories. Not dark as in bad, but dark as in I remember sitting around with a group of friends in my boyfriend at the time's garage and listening to this, with just one candle lit. It was really dark and that's what I remember, the darkness and the really simple fact that we were all just hanging out, there was no tension, it was completely cool and relaxed. the darkness in this scene was like another friend. No one needed to talk, we all just sat around and appreciated what was then a great cover by a great band. The good old days.

9. Wicked Sensation- Lynch Mob
I love this song, but the memory it brings is that tv show where they performed it live and the singer fucked it up so bad, George Lynch fired him when they got offstage. Wish I remembered what show that was. But anyway, great song, all full of energy and excitement. I miss songs like that.

10. Starry Eyes- Motley Crue
This song always seemed so cheesy. Especially knowing what we all know about the Crue back then. Nikki didn't have these feelings for anyone. I remember a girl I went to high school with who got pissed because her boyfriend wouldn't dedicate this to her. I was friends with the guy and he was so incredibly confused about. She broke up with him over it and the next girl he dated, he dedicated it to.

That's it,
Later

I'll Bet You Think This Post Is about You

I deleted a post today. I've never done that before. I just figure that no one reads the old stuff anyway. Today, after a lot of thought, I deleted the "Best People in the Dart League"post. I really didn't want to. Most of the list stayed the same, but there were a few people on that list who I've changed my mind about. Some who should have been rated higher, some lower, and a few who shouldn't have been on there at all. I can't say that I've really enjoyed seeing the sides of the people I changed my mind about, but I've learned so much. There's one person who still would have made the list even though he's seriously hurt me, and learning that wasn't pretty, but it didn't change what I knew of him fundamentally as a person. So, he stayed. The people who caused the post to be deleted, hurt me beyond repair. Oddly, maybe I'll stay friends with some of them, maybe not, but it's all made me look at everything in a new light. Rather than working in the editing, and the explanations, I just deleted the post. Sorry to all who were still on it and cared, but it was easier than using this as a forum to hurt people.
The point here is that people change, maybe. Some are stagnant, but for the most part, we change. I've changed and a lot of people I know have changed, and it's had an effect on my relationships with almost all of them. I've come to realize that I'm not all that proud of having the friends that I have. In some cases, I've learned that I don't even really like some of them, and have just been dealing with them out of habit. It's a weird feeling, but one I'm coming to terms with.
Things have been rough lately, and I'm starting to come out on the other side and wow, am I looking at things differently. It's refreshing and new. I'm trying to keep out of the darker sides of my life, not really looking too much around the edges, but all in all, things are cool. Except for the whole friendship thing. I'm working on that, mostly figuring out who is who and where everyone fits in. The realization that there are going to be people who just don't fit anymore is odd, but I'm dealing with it.
So, just wanted to explain the deletion and prove I'm still alive.

Later-
Me

More Crap Off MySpace

I remember when these came in email form....sigh...hate these, but this one is kind of funny and I figure people need funny after the last few. This is supposed to be a list of personal secrets, but it really doesn't seem that personal, it's just weird.

1. Middle name- Tiffany
2. Do you like it? No
3. Have you ever been in love? Yep
4. Are you still friends with anyone you've been in love with? Kinda, but not really.
5. Is there one who "got away"? If so, what's their name? There are 2 and I'm not giving names. They or people they know may read this thing!
6. Were you ever Homecoming King/Queen? Fuck no!
7. Have you drank until you passed out? Sure
8. Do you have a crush on a TV Star? Yep...Matthew Gray Gubler
9. Movie Star? Johnny Depp
10. Musician? Not sure...are we talking local, myspace local or national? Yes, maybe and yes.
11. Do you dream in color? Sure, unless I'm dreaming about Charlie Chaplin.
12. Do you have dreams about color? What the hell does that mean?
13. Do you smoke cigarettes? Yep
14. Have you ever tried to quit? Nope
15. What is the last fruit you ate? An apple
16. What's the last food you ate? Noodles
17. Do you faint at the sight of blood? No
18. Have you ever told someone you didn't love them when you did? In an argument maybe
19. Have you ever hit anyone? Yep
20. Have you ever seen a shark? Yeah...on Shark week, or those lame ones at the aquarium.

Ok..I cut nothing out of that...does that seem as weird and disjointed as it seemed to me? Oh well... give me some feedback...

Pretty Pink Houses For You And Me

Wow...some people are just never happy. My email was flooded today with concerned people, thanks, I guess. It was also flooded with the gossipmongers and people who just wanted to see if I'd offed myself yet. No, I haven't and I won't, so go to hell and your addresses have been blocked.
The mood here is blacker and colder than yesterday. That's ok. It's comfortable, like coming home. Yesterday's rant isn't a sign of an impending breakdown, it's a sign of a breakdown. I think I lived in this breakdown state for a very long time and then let down my guard, and now I'm back. All the people who loved the old me will probably be overjoyed that I've been broken again, because they think I'm so much more fun broken. But broken won't get me a pink castle or glass slippers, but I fit extraordinarily into broken shoes.

Welcome To My Breakdown

So much on my mind these days that this is probably going to be a rambling stream of consciousness that no one will understand all of it and only a few will care. That works for me.
Have you ever you done anything so incredibly stupid yet so needed that you can't believe the intensity of the feelings it stirred up inside you? Given 150% to something, laid it all down, stripped yourself down more than you ever thought you could or should, only to be met with silence? Not dumbfounded silence, but complete and utter silence? The silence that translates into you can never even deal with this situation again. All doors closed, nailed shut, no light escaping, just complete and total blackness and that fucking silence. Well, that's my world right now. I want to scream and rage until I can never speak a word again. Cry until there will never ever be another tear available to me. I want to pound my head against the wall until I'm bleeding and full of something other than emptiness. I want to take back everything and nothing. I want to drown in this misery that I caused myself. I want some clothes, because I feel so naked and exposed to everything that I held away from myself. I didn't move the earth and I never will and I no longer want to. I want to live in a swirly purple and black and silver world, dreaming of and for nothing. I want to self destruct so completely that there won't be a shard left to recognize me by, and I just want to disappear so no one remembers my name. I want to cry to friends and feel better, but I don't ever want to open up again. I want to rid my life of all the Broken Boy Soldiers, but I can't because I'm the biggest one. And who says I don't get personal on here? Maybe I don't have anything else to say or maybe I just don't have the strength to say anymore.
Life isn't pink castles and apple blossoms, and there isn't any disguising that fact. Pretty things die in my presence and I've learned to accept that. I bought some pretty purple flowers at a farmer's market. The woman at the stand said what solid flowers they were and that they would last a minimum of 2 weeks. They're dead. I took a nap and I woke up and they were dead. I laughed, because I wasn't surprised. I looked up the flowers online to see if they were really sturdy and sure enough, the woman wasn't lying. It just goes to prove. But sometimes you want the pink castle and the Cinderella ending instead of the the Cinderella beginning. But in reality the girl doesn't go to the ball and never even sees the glass slipper. Sometimes even the daydreams are nothing more than jagged pieces of metal that slice and tear. People have always called me, some sarcastically, some not, a princess.... but I know so much better. I don't stand up to the complimentary things anymore, I've lost the ability to be that person. I remember the old days when I was oblivious to anything but my own world, my wants, my music, my control.... I want those back, but there is a price to be paid to get that back. it's not something as simple as drugs, it's a complete disassociation with the light and a total embrace of the black I used to cradle and love. I miss it and need it back. Maybe that's who I always was and the good was as fake as my hair color. I don't know, but I get the feeling I'm going to find out.
I'm so good at walking the self destruction line. I know where the edge is and I know where not to step. Now, I look at that line and think.... "That's the only thing I haven't fucked up, I've never crossed that line.". Maybe that's the wrong turn I talked about forever ago. I never pushed myself so far I couldn't get back. I think I did this time and this might be just what I needed. Or not. I'm not on some stupid suicidal mission, but I'm curious what's on the other side of the self destruction line. I never was before.

I was going to pimp some great music I've been listening to, but this isn't the time. Next time, I swear.

Rock and Roll Never Forgets

Icky Thump came out and I could talk about it...but I'm not. I am going to talk about the White Stripes, but in a passing way. So, if you automatically tune out my Stripes rants, hold on, they're not the focus.
Music is. I had a boot of Icky way before it came out, and I didn't listen to it. I waited until midnight on the day of release and listened. Was this because Jack White so desperately wanted to surprise the world with his latest shiny silver circle of brilliance? In part. He reminded me of the good old days of music, counting the days until the latest album by my favorite band was released, waiting in line at the record store ( I loved record stores, the atmosphere, the smell, the feel... hell they were home), getting a large piece of cardboard with a large piece of vinyl in it, rushing home and hearing it for the first time. There were many good albums in there and some really bad ones, but it didn't matter.
Same thing for concerts. Now, you order your tickets online and either print them out on a stupid piece of copy paper or you wait for them to come in the mail. How nice and neat. Fucking boring! I slept outside many a night waiting in line for tickets ( Hey Riff Randell...I'm the Ramones #1 fan!!), and waited in the rain for hours for tickets. Ok, not the most unique experience on the planet, but it's still much better than what I did the other day, set the alarm, for 9:55 and staggered to the computer, bought my Stripes tickets ( at the presale, god shoot me now), and went back to bed. I wasn't even awake enough to be excited.
I've been remembering the days when we had rock stars....good ones, not Marilyn Manson on the cover of Spin with "The Last Rock Star?" plastered on his face. The real ones, the punk gods, the metal gods, the ones who actually put themselves out there for you, in the way they acted, the interviews they gave (remember the ones where you actually found out about the band in between all the stories of drunken debauchery?), the shows they put on. I miss those guys. I miss Diamond Dave, I miss Axl, I miss Motley Crue and the whole Hollywood Strip swagger. I miss the sleaze and dirt that's been sterilized away by this whole trend of everything needing to be remixed, available on iTunes, and be danceable. You couldn't dance to Master of Puppets, and I'm not sure you wanted to. But different genres are out there for everyone to be happy, but we're all being force fed with the same spoon, so it's irrelevant who you like anyway these days. When I'm out on a Friday night, it astounds me how much of what I hear on the jukebox is music from the old days. I've never heard SexyBack playing at my usual Friday night haunt. But the last Friday I was there, there was a lot of old hair metal, and Aerosmith from their good days, and Zeppelin and The Doors and this is a damn dart bar. Lots of people, lots of different ideas, but no Christina Aguliera, nothing Timbaland ever looked at, no Britney, no Beyonce, nothing even close. That's the place I wanna be.
I live above a bar, it's a neighborhood dive bar in the middle of a strip of clubbish type bars. The music from the bar drifts up through the floor and what's playing right now? Pat Benatar's Love Is A Battlefield. The 70's and 80's are big down there, and when I do hear current stuff being played down there 99% of the time it's the White Stripes.
People are always asking if rock is dead... actually Manson declared it dead 4 albums ago... on Mechanical Animals.... go check it out, I'll wait...
Back? Good. Rock isn't dead, but it's dying from apathy. All your faves from the 80's? Check and see when they released the obligatory album of covers. Ozzy did it a few years ago, Poison just released one. Guns N Roses... check. Great White... check. Slaughter.... yep. It goes on and on. Thank god for bands like Motley and Faster Pussycat, they at least release new stuff occasionally.
I just miss all the excitement associated with music. I wonder if anyone besides Jack White cares and what he intends to do about it. Manson isn't the last rock star, both he and Reznor gave up on rock a long time ago. Reznor crawled back into the shell that he hid in before PHM and now just releases the same album in different words with a different cover and a new conspiracy theory. Manson, on the other hand, may be redeemed, but as rock and roll dragging around a 20 year old blond chick is, it's creepy when you're doing a "divorced a fake burlesque queen and I'm devastated but I found true love with Lolita and she's willing to let me exploit her" album. it's a good album, but it's not rock.
Maybe music was just more fun then...or maybe no one cares anymore...but for those who do, I respect them. Chris Cornell? Listened to the boot of his new one. Manson? Him too. But The White Stripes wanted to live in the good old day, I listened to it on release day and it way the most exciting music related thing I've done in awhile. Anticipation is great sometimes.
No list....

Life Experiences

Thanks Myspace for making me lazy... yet again, here's something I found on my myspace page and decided to share. It's lame, I warned you.

Level 1
( ) I had an asthma attack
(x ) Smoked A Cigarette
(x ) Smoked A Cigar
(x) Smoked Weed
(x) Been In Love
(x) Been Dumped
(x) Been Fired
(x ) Been In A Fist Fight
(x) Snuck Out Of A Parent's House
Level 2
(x) Ever Had Feelings For Someone Who Didn't Have Them Back
(x ) Been Arrested/Seen Someone You Know Get Arrested
(x) Made Out With A Stranger
( ) Gone Out On A Blind Date
(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person
(x ) Skipped School
(x) Slept With A Co-worker
(x) Seen Someone Die
Level 3
(x) Been On A Plane
(x ) Thrown Up From Drinking
( ) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been Snowboarding
() Met Someone you met on Myspace
(x) Been Mosh Pitting
(x ) Taken Pain Killers
(x) Love(d)or Lust(ed) Someone Who You Can't Have
(x) Been in a BAD relationship
Level 4
(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By
(x) Made A Snow Angel
(x) Had A Tea Party
(x) Flown A Kite
(x) Built A Sand Castle
(x) Gone Puddle Jumping
(x) Played Dress Up
(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves
(x) Gone Sledding
(x) Cheated While Playing A Game
Level 5
(x) Been Lonely
(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School
( ) Used A Fake / Someone Else's ID
(x) Watched The Sun Set/ sun rise
( ) Felt An Earthquake
(x) Kissed a snake
(x) Been Tickled
(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized
( ) Robbed Someone
(x) Been Misunderstood
Level 6
( x) Pet A Deer
(x) Won A Contest
( ) Been Suspended
(x) Had Detention
(x) Been In A Car/ Motorcycle Accident
(x) Had / Have Braces
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Had deja vu
(x) Danced in the moonlight
(x) Hated The Way You Look
Level 7
(x) Witnessed A Crime
(x) Questioned Your Heart
( ) Been obsessed with post-it-notes
(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud
(x) Been Lost
( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World
(x) Swam In The Ocean
(x) Felt Like You Were Dying
(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep
Level 8
(x) Played Cops And Robbers
( x) Recently Colored With Crayons / Colored Pencils / Markers
(x) Sang Karaoke
(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn't
(x) Made Prank Phone Calls
(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose
(x) Kissed In The Rain
(x) Written A Letter To Santa Claus
(x) Been Kissed Under A Mistletoe
Level 9
(x) Watched The Sun Set With Someone You Care / Cared About
(x) Blown Bubbles
(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach
(x) Crashed A Party
( ) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People
(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading
(x) Had A Wish Come True
( ) Been Humped By A Monkey
(x)Worn Pearls
(x) Jumped Off A Bridge into water
Level 1o
( ) Screamed "Penis" In Class
( ) Swam With Dolphins
(x ) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole / Freezer/Ice Cube
() Kissed A Fish
(x)Worn The Opposite Sex's Clothes
(x ) Sat On A Roof Top
(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs
(x)Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed Up All Night
Level 11
(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree
(x) Climbed A Tree
(x ) Had / Been In A Tree House
(x) Have been/Are scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone
(x) Seen/ felt a Ghost
( ) Have/Had More Than 30 Pairs Of Shoes or Flip Flops
( x) gone streaking
(x) Been to/Visited Someone At Jail
(x) Played Chicken
(x) Been Pushed Into A Pool With All Your Clothes On
Level 12
(x) Been Told You're Hot By A Complete Stranger
(x) Broken A Bone
(x) Been Easily Amused
(x) Caught A Fish
(x) Caught A Butterfly/Lightening Bug
(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried
(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed
(x) Mooned / Flashed Someone
(x) Had someone Moon / Flash You
Level 13
(x ) Cheated On A Test
(x) Forgotten Someone's Name
(x) Slept Naked
( ) French braided someones hair
(x) Gone Skinny dipping
(x) Been Kicked Out Of Your House.
(x) Rode A Roller Coaster
() Went Scuba-Diving / Snorkeling
(x) Had A Cavity
Level 14
(x) Been Used
(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs
(x ) Licked A Cat
(x) Bitten Someone
(x) Licked Someone
(x) Been shot at with a paint ball/bee bee gun
(x) Had sex in a field/garden
(x) Flattened someone’s tires
() Drove in a car until the gas light came on
(x) Had five dollars or less and bought something.
112/140 Life experiences

Ok, that was easy, post your own totals if you'd like.

Junk Mail Turned Into A Post

Someone sent me this today and I figured for you people who want to know more, I'll answer it here.

1. Name: Wendi Tiffany Manning
2. Birthday: 3/15/1971
3. Are your parents still married? No
4. Any siblings? Yes 1 brother and two sisters
5. Any pets? A cat named Spenser
6. Are your parents still alive? My mom is.
7. Have you ever been in love? Yes
8. Are you now? Yes
9. Are you happy? No
10. Where were you born? Evanston IL
11. Hometown? Chicago
12. Coffee or tea? Coffee
13. Coke or Pepsi? Apple Juice
14. When is the last time you did something stupid? Friday night
15. What is the most memorable dream you've had in the last month? Doing shots of blood with Boz at Gambler's
16. What 3 things would you save from a fire? Sybil's ashes, my Joey Ramone shirts and my purse
17. What is your biggest travel fantasy? To spend 2 weeks in Greece
18. What is the favorite place you've visited? New York City
19. Have you ever done drugs? Yes
20. Do you lie? Yes
21. Have you lied in this questionairre? Yes
22. Who do you want to meet the most alive or dead? Charles Barkley or Gia Carangi
23. Do you like to dance? Sometimes
24. Are you going to forward this to anyone? No
25. If you are will anyone answer? Probably

Manningfesto

Ok all, listen up. I've got a lot to say and I am only going to say it once. I am who I am, period. I'm growing, changing, laughing, hating, scratching people off my list of friends, and occasionally adding new ones. I am unpredictable, wild, sarcastic, bitchy, mean, friendly, generous and overly tolerant. I'm an exhibitionist and a recluse, I'm a flirt and a tease, I'm self confident and terrified of the world, I'm pretty and I am ugly. I give and I take. I make bad choices and I make good ones. I am fearless cause I don't give a damn. What you see is what you see, it's never what you get. I'm highly private and that is the only constant. Sure, I may twitter on endlessly about something, but whatever that is, is almost always a cover for whatever I don't want to talk about.
I'm not as thin as I used to be...I'm neither a 2 or a 22, but I'm not at the size I want to be either. I don't know what that is honestly, I just want to be Wendi-sized. That'll be the size that makes me feel the healthiest and most comfortable. If that turns out to be a 2 so be it, if it turns out to be a 22, whatever. Whatever size that is though, it's mine and I'll be fine with it.
Thanks to all of the people in the last few months who have told me how pretty and beautiful I am. I appreciate it. Now stop trying to get in my pants. I'm not an idiot, and the few of you who are really close friends who do it should be ashamed. Yes, on my weird nights, I'll show you my bra, but that never means I want you in it. To anyone who says I'm asking to be hit on go fuck off. I could be wearing a suit of armor and be hit on. It's not my looks, it's my personality. I know that, and so do most others. Of course, there are people who hit on me which I accept most gracefully and sweetly, but I still haven't slept with them.
I'm fighting a lot of anger these days because I'm just fed up with how I get treated by certain people and how it's an endless cycle of idiocy. How did it get this far, beats me, but it did, and I'm dealing with it.
For everyone who whines in e-mail...did you not read the leave a comment section.... that I avoid all the important things in my life in this blog, this posting is essentially for you. I like keeping my privacy, and if you read this blog carefully, you'll find out a lot of personal things. No, it's not a set of clues, but what I'm thinking and feeling does come out, you just have to pay attention. The stupid list of songs from my shuffle is incredibly personal and telling, if you're looking at the right passages. The list of the nicest guys in darts tells you something that a lot of you know but it's the only comment I will ever make on it in writing and it is easily one of the most important things in my life. It's all in there people, quit whining and read, don't skim and then make catch all comments. I see through them and then ignore your next e-mail.
Which brings us back around again to my personal life. There's probably a reason it's called that. There are things that I will share with you in a conversation that I will never put in writing definitively on this blog. Sometimes what I'm thinking might hurt someone else or doesn't need to be confirmed in writing. If you need to know it, you will, I promise each and every one of you that. I remember reading that a musician friend had died on Yahoo news, it hurt twice as much because I was just reading and it was there. That is exactly what I try to avoid here. Sorry, but for scandal, and outpourings of my darkest desires, talk to me, it won't be here.

No list...
Later

An Empty Kinda Life

The last few days I've been feeling so restless, underappreciated, and just generally unhappy. I'm not bummed enough to call it a depression. I think it's more stagnant than anything else.
There's an entire world out there and I'd like to see some of it, but have pretty much figured out it's not going to happen. The reclusiveness has nothing to do with it, it's just not in the cards so to speak.
I feel like somewhere, I made a wrong turn and I don't have the energy to backtrack and undo that turn. I'm not even sure I know where it was anyway. There are probably a lot of people with a lot of votes as to where that turn was, and I have my suspicions as well, but they're not particularly relevant to this right now.
I used to believe that drama was the key to excitement in my life. I now understand that it's not, but where did the excitement go? Where's the passion for life that I used to have? Where's the motivation to deal with anything or do anything? Actually, it's the passion that I'm missing the most. Everything is just so very routine and honestly. boring that I'm losing what little mind I can still lay claim to. I want a little excitement, passion, fun, how much is that to ask from life? Sure, every life gets bogged down in the mundane, but this is just dragging out a lot longer that I expected or ever wanted.
There's a definite lack of feeling special, pretty, desired, whatever. No, this is not the place to be leaving comments of "Awww you're pretty", they will be deleted immediately. It's just that my life seems so empty compared to what I feel it should be. So, I guess, I'm just bumming today. Sorry. there's more, but I don't feel like talking about it here right now. Maybe tomorrow3, maybe never. Maybe tomorrow will be about dead musicians. :)

Later

I Am So Humbled

I read a blog the other day that just blew me away. While I don't claim to be an amazing writer, I always thought I got my thoughts across pretty well. Then I read Lena's blog, http://galenaalysoncanada.blogspot.com/ . This woman is an amazing writer. She posted the link on the lala underground board and I just figured I'd skim it and leave some inane comment. The next thing I knew I read the whole blog and wished she'd write a book. It's awfully inspiring. I know I'm going to step up my writing because of her and it still won't come close. Read this, bookmark it and tell her you love her! No list....

Later

Random Thoughts On Random Play

Ok, I need to write something... but I can't pull any one idea out right now, so what I'm going to do is look at the shuffle I've got iTunes on right now and write about the next 10 songs... or something like that. There's a lot of Jack White, so don't say I didn't warn you.

1. More Human than Human- White Zombie. One of my favorite songs, although it can be blended with any Marilyn Manson Antichrist/Mechanical Animals era song. It's one of the songs I use to wake up, when I need to. I remember at one point, and ok, there were a lot of drugs and alcohol involved, having this song on repeat for 4 days straight. I'm still not sick of it. It makes me think of hanging out at Clubfoot and dancing and generally being silly and having some really amazing times. It's a major party song for me and it'll almost always put me in a good mood. The album cover has a tarantula on it, and a friend of mine covered it up with tape, which was really sweet, but then I spilled a drink on it, and the tape just won't stick.

2. Kiss Me Deadly-Generation X. One of the best things Billy Idol has ever done. It takes me back to the Rocky Horror days. My boyfriend at the time, turned me on to them and he loved this song. I remember getting ready to go to Rocky and listening to this as I was getting dressed. The smell associated with this is SoCo and lipstick. Falling into the Rocky feeling is still mildly uncomfortable, but if I do it in roundabout way, like with this, or the Ramones, it's almost soothing. This is connected to the good times of Rocky, and it's worth reliving those memories. But I still say if I had a kid and they said "Mom, I'm either shooting heroin or doing RHPS", I'd recommend the drugs.

3. Revolution-Stone Temple Pilots. I'm a sucker for covers and this one is especially good. I alternate between good covers and bad. I love them both, but this one is just great. STP was really hit or miss for me. I either love a song or hate it from them. It's never a gray area. Scott Weiland has a good voice, all oozy and dripping with a detached sarcasm and it fits this song perfectly. This was a great choice for them to cover and it's just so much fun to listen to.

4. Red Rain- The White Stripes. This makes me feel so sad for no other reason than it's a sad song. It's got great lyrics and they have some resonance in my life and it tends to make me think about those things when I hear this. The first time I heard it, I hurried past it and then it came on one day when I was in the shower and couldn't change it and I listened to it and realized why I skipped it the first time. It's a little song with big lyrics about love going bad. "If there is a lie/ Then there is a liar too" "If there is a sin/Then there is a sinner too." Among a bunch of other lyrics that occasionally hit me where it hurts. Great song though.

5. After Midnight-Fastway. Sammi Curr baby! This song and the fact that Sammi Curr was hot, makes Trick or Treat watchable. Please don't tell me that the guy who played Sammi was in the Beat It video or that he died of AIDS, I already know and don't ruin my memories dammit! I remember the huge build up in all the music magazines and on MTV about the movie and then thinking that Nikki Sixx could have played Sammi except Sammi had much better moves, Nikki's a bit awkward. But this song is still great 21 years later. Great memories, being a little metal chick...well kinda... maybe it was a punk chick..well no, maybe goth... I was something... weren't we all? Anyway, this song brings back fun memories of the times when music was a lot more fun and a lot less serious than it is now.

6. Broken Boy Soldier-The Raconteurs. The music on my myspace page. I love this song because I love broken boys. I seek them out. I always have, both romantically and in my friendships. I seem to have some sixth sense about who is broken and in what way. Romantically, it's actually a pretty clear cut list of what makes someone broken. Not sure how I do it in my friendships, but it always seem to work out the same. Birds of a feather or something like that. Back to the song. Live, Jack White sings this full throat..screaming until he's hoarse and it's just a devastating song. The studio version is wonderful too...but the live version is just so much better. I'm not usually a big fan of live albums, but I wish The Raconteurs would release one from this tour, because they fleshed out the songs so much better than they did in the studio that it's worth hearing. Or we could all just find it online....

7. I'll Tumble 4 Ya-Culture Club. This takes me back to either when I was young and fell in love with Boy George's voice...a passion that continues to this day, or to the Clubfoot days. Either way, good memories, happy times and Boy George needs to sing again.

8. Heroin-Velvet Underground. We used to use the end of this song to clear people out of a record store I used to work at. It worked every time. I hate Lou Reed, but I love this song.

9. Remedy-The Black Crowes. God, I wanted this album to come out so bad. I was in the middle of a Black Crowes obsession and this was the first single off the new album. I was working in another record store with a guy who looked like a cleaner Chris Robinson, who I had a huge crush on...the guy, not Chris Robinson...ok Chris Robinson too...until the beard anyway. The guy was amazing... beautiful, smart, a musician with fantastic taste in music. This song, wasn't as great as the guy, but was probably a zillion times better than Chris Robinson. It's a great song and I remember loving the video. I think I still have it somewhere, I'm going to go find it after this.

10. Apple Blossom- White Stripes. Pretty pretty song. It actually brings up feelings of sadness. It's a romantic happy song and girls who fall for broken boys don't get romance. It's a rule. Girls who love broken boys get heartache. They get deep obsessive declarations of love as the boys are torching their heart with a flamethrower. They get to be treated horribly by broken boys who just want to prove that they're not broken. They get abandoned by boys who are terrified of being alone, only to have those same boys call in the middle of the night, wasted and more broken than ever, babbling incoherently of love and hate and pain...they all think they're so deep. They do not get romance or romantic love.... ever. There just are no hearts and flowers. A broken boy will not think of romance. So, the happy pretty song hits a nerve.

That's it....
Later

Completely Aimless Ramblings

This has been a confusing few weeks. Everyone I know has problems, be it big or small and to be honest, I'm at the end of my shrink rope. There are a few who, no matter what, I will be there for them, but some people I just wince when the phone rings.
I'm not innocent myself, here, I'm going through a rough patch too. As usual, I'll get through it, I always do, with the help of a very small circle of people I can really talk to. I wonder though, about the people who put me in the small circle of people they can talk to. What happens to them when I'm screwed up.... oh..that's right, I forgot.... THEY DON'T CARE.
It's the circle of selfish friends who drive me over. They're the ones whose problems trump everyone else and if they don't really have anything going on at the moment, they'll pick at old problems until they're fresh again and then their problem...fully invented out of whole cloth, trumps everyone else, no matter what. That's what hurts. It makes it truly hard to trust anyone, not that I trust that easily anyway.
I'm a recluse.... I used to be a hermit but then I found out that that wasn't "classy" enough, so now I'm a recluse. Anyway, I'm a recluse and I rarely spend a second of my time dealing with anyone I don't want to, something that's easy enough to manage when the only way to get in contact is through the phone, e-mail or texting. But when I go out, it gets more difficult. There are people I want to see and talk to, but in general, that list is small. Maybe 3 or 4 people tops. When I'm out, I usually run into people who want to talk and I'll talk for a few, but I'm beelining for the either the people I came with or the people I came to see. The last few weeks have been hard for that because either the people I want to see aren't around, or the people who want to talk to me have been more demanding. I wouldn't call myself popular, but occasionally people have things to say I guess. It feels like my life is split into factions sometimes. I have my hardcore group of friends, then there are the friends I hang out with sometimes that I like, then there's a group of friends I can only hang out with if one or another of the previous people aren't around because so and so doesn't like so and so, you know how that goes. Then there's my old friends who I don't see very often, who I touch base with occasionally to remind myself of who I used to be, those people are usually music related. It's weird how it all works and the amount of time that goes with that, maybe that's why I'm a recluse. It gets a bit overwhelming at times.
I had a dream last weekend that I did something that I would never do in a million years. Or maybe I would. That bugs me, the not knowing. I wouldn't have thought I was that type of person, but maybe I am. In this dream, I told a lie to someones girlfriend to get them to break up with this guy, so I could be with him. I've never done that, and it doesn't seem like something I would do, but who knows. That's part of the weirdness of dreams, you never know if they're a part of you, or just a mini movie playing in your head for a bit. Anyway, this dream still disturbs me, almost a week later. Being reclusive, I have more time to dwell on things than the average, normal person, and this one bugs me. How many times have I said "I'd crawl over broken glass" to do this or that, or "I'd do anything" for whatever, but even in a dream, that seems icky. And I REALLY don't like it.
Speaking of Icky, I heard the new White Stripes single, "Icky Thump". It reminds me of old seventies rock with some cool lyrics thrown in. I like it. But, that's no surprise.
I also heard, over the weekend, that people I didn't even know knew about this blog, read it and were displeased. Hi, that's what the comments section is for. I know that some people much prefer talking behind my back, but that's just ridiculous and childish...especially when they are older than I am. Please free to leave whatever bitchy things you need to say. Translation for the stupid.... say it to me... not to others. If the main point is for me to hear it anyway, I do, but I'd much prefer to eliminate any middlemen, so there will be no confusion whatsoever.
I found out who prefers dead people...see people do leave comments! It was a joke I should have gotten and missed, but the second I found out who it was, it made sense. I'm sure I will write about dead people again eventually, so everyone, or almost everyone will be happy.
I don't have a list off the top of my head tonight..... lets see.... ummmmm.... how about.. no.... ummmm aw screw it, you'll get one soon...
Later

Pretty Pretty Music

Mike Caldwell posted a list of his 10 best songs...asshole, ripping off my list thing... and has hounded me off and on to do the same, so fine. After much much much thought, and relistening to songs to make sure they were still good, I've come up with this. It was really hard because I fall for songs because of lyrics and now I'm forced to choose based on the entire song. This is NOT a list of my favorite songs, that'll be later. So, here it is....

10. Patience by Guns N Roses. A solid ballad with strong descriptive lyrics. Musically it flows smoothly with an ease that reminds you of why GNR were so great. They were comfortable with themselves and their music and it shows.

9. Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd. A beautiful melody underneath longing lyrics that just kind of floats along on your ears and infiltrates your brain, usually before you're even aware of it.

8. Magic Man by Heart. A story of youth gone wild without the ugliness that usually accompanies it. It's a love song, based on a true story and everything just fits together so well.

7. Dying by Hole. Heartbreaking and overwhelming. Raw and ugly. Sugar coated and tearful. It's the best breakup song.

6. Only Women Bleed by Alice Cooper. This is the song I always wished I would have written. Everything about it is so eloquent and honest that every single part of it, the music, the lyrics, everything, stands alone in a very elegant way.

5. Make The Dirt Stick by Chris Whitley. Stark, stripped down and gorgeous. It paints a picture in your mind that actually lasts.

4. Do You Really Want To Hurt Me by Culture Club. Say what you want about Boy George but this song is classic beauty. It's almost flawless in every single way and it's just a beautiful lush song.

3. Burden In My Hand by Soundgarden. This song is just haunting and I fall into it every time I hear it.

2. Dead Leaves and The Dirty Ground by The White Stripes. A simple easy love song that just blends all the elements of love and loneliness in to music as well as the words.

1. Chloe Dancer/Crown Of Thorns by Mother Love Bone. A song of hope, pain, despair, love, drugs, and emptiness which is actually two songs in one. Behind Andy Wood's heartbreaking lyrics is some of the most forlorn music that suddenly becomes hopeful at the end.

Baby Even The Losers

My life is so different than all the magazines say it should be. All those pretty people with their goals and ambitions and all that. I don't think I know anyone who has become what they wanted to be when they grew up. Most of my friends don't have a bit of ambition, I know I don't. Almost everyone I know didn't go to college to get a degree to get a job to better their life, they just fell into a job and stayed there.
The pretty people are buying tickets to the Police, my friends are being arrested. The pretty people have IRAs, my friends have DUIs. The pretty people have ambition, my friends have blind luck. I don't want to be the pretty people, or have friends that are. I don't like them very much. They're empty, and the people I know are real, with real lives and real problems. I'm perfectly happy with the friends I have.
I have a friend, a rich friend, who has suddenly come to the conclusion that he isn't cut out to work. He marvels me with stories about all the wonderful exotic places he's been and is going to, how full his life is and claims he's happy. I hope he is, because his life seems pretty empty to me. He's not a "pretty person" and that's why I like him, but I can't help but wonder what he wanted to be when he grew up. He's a friend and I truly and sincerely want all kinds of wonderful things to befall him ( like I do for all my friends), but the main thing I wish for him is to be truly happy.
Not really sure how I wound up with this group of people as my friends, and I don't much care, but what often amazes me is how similar we all are at the core. We all want the basic simplicities of life; health, happiness, a good solid relationship, fun and love. Yet, most of us aren't willing to put in the time and effort to get even that. We all drink too much, smoke too much, eat too much, abuse the hell out of our bodies,and if our minds are still functioning after that, that's fine too. All my friend and myself included, abuse some drug or another. They don't do much for any of us anymore, but we're addicted now.
I guess, the bottom line is be nice to us losers, because we're pretty cool. We don't need ambition and power to make us happy, we just need each other.

It's Been Over A Year

Thanks to anyone who stuck around for over a year to see if I'd ever write anything again.

Check back tomorrow for a new post