The last few days I've been feeling so restless, underappreciated, and just generally unhappy. I'm not bummed enough to call it a depression. I think it's more stagnant than anything else.
There's an entire world out there and I'd like to see some of it, but have pretty much figured out it's not going to happen. The reclusiveness has nothing to do with it, it's just not in the cards so to speak.
I feel like somewhere, I made a wrong turn and I don't have the energy to backtrack and undo that turn. I'm not even sure I know where it was anyway. There are probably a lot of people with a lot of votes as to where that turn was, and I have my suspicions as well, but they're not particularly relevant to this right now.
I used to believe that drama was the key to excitement in my life. I now understand that it's not, but where did the excitement go? Where's the passion for life that I used to have? Where's the motivation to deal with anything or do anything? Actually, it's the passion that I'm missing the most. Everything is just so very routine and honestly. boring that I'm losing what little mind I can still lay claim to. I want a little excitement, passion, fun, how much is that to ask from life? Sure, every life gets bogged down in the mundane, but this is just dragging out a lot longer that I expected or ever wanted.
There's a definite lack of feeling special, pretty, desired, whatever. No, this is not the place to be leaving comments of "Awww you're pretty", they will be deleted immediately. It's just that my life seems so empty compared to what I feel it should be. So, I guess, I'm just bumming today. Sorry. there's more, but I don't feel like talking about it here right now. Maybe tomorrow3, maybe never. Maybe tomorrow will be about dead musicians. :)
Later
14 years ago
3 comments:
Hey Wendi, I delayed commenting as I wanted time to think...
You and I seem to have a few things in common and unfortunately depression seems to be one of them.
Yes, based on what you've written I would call it depression, albeit the upper end, perhaps. The 'empty life' feeling, the restlessness, the looking backward at the roads not taken, these can be hallmarks of the onset of depression. I've been suffering from them myself lately. Yeah, me.
I've fought with depression for about the past 42 of my 50 years. Over the past 18 years I have done a lot of therapy and used medication. Life is much, much better than it was (and I am indeed living, which might not have been), but I have given up hope of being 'cured' and, as with other chronic diseases, I now aspire to be 'better managed'.
I might characterise my 'levels of depression' as follows:
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-0: OK. Pretty balanced; got some stuff I'm looking forward to; making jokes and relating to people; making pretty good use of my time for the most part; taking fairly decent care of myself; low level of medication. Life is good.
-1: Out-of-sorts. Nothing in the future I'm looking forward to (except possibly an 'escape' of some kind); focussed mainly on the past, esp. where I went wrong and wrongs I have done; still making jokes and relating to folks, but less so; generally poor use of time and wasting a lot of time in diversions (TV, excessive reading, surfing); work begins to suffer; notably poor self-care. On the way down.
This 'level -1' sounds like what you're describing, and I see it as well within the range of 'normal', which I might suggest is something like -1 to +1.
If I'm 'on it' when I find myself here, I increase my med dosage, concentrate on good meals and exercise, make sure I make contact with friends and therapist; cajole, force or trick myself into more functional behaviours. If I am not 'on it' then I either stagnate here until I do get 'on it', or the slide continues down to level -2.
-2: Melancholy. Significant loss of function; periods of deep abiding sadness; very little self-care; alternate not eating and binging; significant non-sleep periods in bed; I close the door to the room I'm in and rarely go outside. Absolutely no interest in the future and little in the present; suicidal ideation begins to intrude; distinct avoidance of people and tasks; I stop answering email and the phone, and work suffers greatly; minimal interaction with close family; I miss taking meds occasionally.
-3: Full-Blown Depression. No interest in anything; virtually no self-care; chronic suicidal ideation, possibly including preparations and action; complete avoidance of outside contact; prolonged melancholy alternating with significant periods of dissociation (loss of personality/body connection); I may go off my meds.
-4: Dissociation. Completely shut-in; almost all time in bed; near-complete loss of ability to care for self; near-continuous dissociation or sleep, interrupted by periods of melancholy with continuous suicidal ideation (but little inclination to act on it -- or anything else for that matter); getting up to pee is a major problem; responsiveness is minimal.
-5. Catatonia. Subject is completely unresponsive. I have had only brief periods here (a few minutes, maybe an hour at most), tho' I understand that it can become chronic.
There is also, of course, a plus-side to the scale, with +1 being Joy, and the extreme being Mania. I do not often make radical excursions to the plus-side, so this is less of an issue for me.
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I want to mention that this is (to the best of my recall) the first time I've really listed this out, so I believe it is helping me, even if it may not apply to your Life in Lists. 8-) I am not getting this scale and these symptoms from any place but my own experience; I'm just making it all up. I'm sure the clinicians have such scales, but I am unaware of them.
For much of the past couple years I have been firmly stuck at -1 with periodic excursions up and down from 0 to -2. In recent months I have been trending more into -2. The last time I was at -4 was over a decade ago (I believe).
And please note that what I have been talking about is 'uncomplicated' depression. Add in substance abuse (used to be a big factor for me -- thank god I'm past that nightmare), illness, disability, toxic relations, etc., and things get a lot more complicated. For example, I am at the low end of -1 right now, but I am dealing with moderate but intrusive chronic pain, which makes it hard to concentrate; I believe I could be on the way up right now, were it not for this.
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Oh Wendi, geez, here I am writing my blog in your blog! :-D (In fact, I think I'll brush this up and put it over there.)
If you're not depressed, then I haven't been much help, have I? I wanted to talk about some of the other things you brought up: like being appreciated, drama-seeking, motivation and passion, stagnation, "not in the cards"... But it is late and this is already overlong.
My apologies if I speak overmuch of myself, but after all, it's the only subject I can honestly speak to. :-)
>Sigh.<
Tell me what you think, and we can talk more. Big hug Wendi.
'Lena
You know where your wrong turn was and you're way too scared to do anything about it. You have the strength to do it but you don't want to be left with nothing. Nothing is better than having a life of regret. I love you.
Don't think you made any wrong turns, as I think the road merely curved off and you were forced to follow it. We smarty pants(eseses) are of an introspective sort, and I'd wager that it's merely akin to pissing in the wind (love that song by Kansas).
Too many broken people around you eventually weigh ya down. As one of our bloodless, skeletal friends might say "you're good people".
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