You Know I'm A Dreamer....

This past week has been a scary one. Bad things don't come in threes, they travel in packs. It's been a lot of ugliness that spins me back to times when this stuff was a daily occurrence. I have a friend in jail right now, I have another friend who stopped messing with needles, but decided that a couple more times for old time sakes wouldn't kill him. It didn't, but isn't that kind of irrelevant? I've had late night phone calls from people who claim they are dying. Are they? I have no idea, except to guess that we all are eventually, so who am I to question it? Another person from my past has died, with a lot of unresolved issues.
I always knew I'd never escape the darker areas of my life. I've always wanted to though. I daydream about a little apartment with a bedroom with carpet and a place to put all my books, so I don't have to freecycle a bunch every few months. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to have a house, but since I'm still pretty uncomfortable in large dark spaces, I'll stick with a little apartment.
Sometimes I wish that I never knew what drugs were like, or what it felt like to have sex against your will, or what it felt like to be alone and scared and not knowing what was going to happen to you. I wish I never felt the punch from people who were supposed to keep you safe. But I know all that way too well. I always kind of thought that it would be different when I grew up. Not when I turned 18 or 21, but when I grew up. I knew that wasn't going to happen at any preset time, but I figured that since I spent most of my life being responsible for one person or another, that there wouldn't be much growing up left to do. It's not any different because I'm still befriending the BBS and other people who are severely wounded in some form. I wonder what it would be like to be the one taken care of. My husband takes care of me in the financial ways, but emotionally, I'm still pretty much on my own. Most of my friends ( see the opening paragraph), still need someone to take care of them. As I have repeatedly said, I wonder what it would be like to have someone who listened and heard.
I miss a lot of people once in my life and a few who are on the edges of it. Like the guy from the last post. I miss him a lot and I have no idea why or how he became important. He's another Mr. Unreliable, so I doubt he'll be around much, if ever, but him being back, even marginally, makes me wish he wasn't. Now that I know he's around, not being able to see him is oddly painful. There's another wish...that the people I know weren't such fucking flakes.
The next post will probably be an ipod post, so I can finally do something easy and go back to doing a list.

Later-
me

It's Just A Jump To The Left...

What have I been up to lately? Living in a weird state of 1997/2001. I entered the Facebook time warp, but then it started to bleed out into other years. I reconnected with some people from my ugly past, pre1993 on Facebook, and after some soul searching about the open wounds I've been ignoring, I came to enjoy it. Then through a series of circumstances that couldn't be reproduced on a bet, I started reconnecting with people from 1997 and beyond.
1997 was the end of an era and the beginning of now. I split with my husband and met a lot of new people, including my current husband. But, he's not the point. Some people that I met in the beginning of 1997 and on are still heavily in my life, and some aren't. Then there are a few who were there, left, and came back, recently, now. Those are the ones that are the point.
There seems to be some unfinished business there. Not in a bad way, but friendships unexplored or relationships unnoticed. It's all very cool, but really odd. I blame it on the time warp week of Cruefest. That was a week of going out all week and hanging with the same people I was hanging with in 2001. A little taste of what passed for fun in 2001. Ever since then, there seems to be a revisiting of people and things from the past that doesn't show any sign of letting up. There are two people in particular that seem to be unopened gifts. One, I met in the worst possible way, that seems to be needing a friend and decided that I may be one. It's flattering and it's refreshing to deal with someone who has known me for awhile and doesn't judge me on the past me. The other is a bit more complicated. He's a person I've known was going to be important from the first time I saw him and I was right. We drifted away, but then reconnected recently, and we'll see what happens this time. Maybe he's not meant to be in my life, but maybe he is.
I'm not sure how much I like wandering back in time. I hate second guessing myself, and that's what this seems like. I know, what happens happens and all that, but it seems irrelevant to go back. It's going to happen whether I like it or not, but I wonder how it's all going to turn out. I also wonder why these people. There's no particular reason why they would be back around, but here they are, and I have to deal with it. I worry though, about the second guy in particular. He could do the most damage to my pretty little glass house, and that's a bit scary. friends of mine have already made comments about it, and it keeps me on my toes. Who knows what will happen in the future, but sadly, it all seems connected to my past.