You Know I'm A Dreamer....

This past week has been a scary one. Bad things don't come in threes, they travel in packs. It's been a lot of ugliness that spins me back to times when this stuff was a daily occurrence. I have a friend in jail right now, I have another friend who stopped messing with needles, but decided that a couple more times for old time sakes wouldn't kill him. It didn't, but isn't that kind of irrelevant? I've had late night phone calls from people who claim they are dying. Are they? I have no idea, except to guess that we all are eventually, so who am I to question it? Another person from my past has died, with a lot of unresolved issues.
I always knew I'd never escape the darker areas of my life. I've always wanted to though. I daydream about a little apartment with a bedroom with carpet and a place to put all my books, so I don't have to freecycle a bunch every few months. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to have a house, but since I'm still pretty uncomfortable in large dark spaces, I'll stick with a little apartment.
Sometimes I wish that I never knew what drugs were like, or what it felt like to have sex against your will, or what it felt like to be alone and scared and not knowing what was going to happen to you. I wish I never felt the punch from people who were supposed to keep you safe. But I know all that way too well. I always kind of thought that it would be different when I grew up. Not when I turned 18 or 21, but when I grew up. I knew that wasn't going to happen at any preset time, but I figured that since I spent most of my life being responsible for one person or another, that there wouldn't be much growing up left to do. It's not any different because I'm still befriending the BBS and other people who are severely wounded in some form. I wonder what it would be like to be the one taken care of. My husband takes care of me in the financial ways, but emotionally, I'm still pretty much on my own. Most of my friends ( see the opening paragraph), still need someone to take care of them. As I have repeatedly said, I wonder what it would be like to have someone who listened and heard.
I miss a lot of people once in my life and a few who are on the edges of it. Like the guy from the last post. I miss him a lot and I have no idea why or how he became important. He's another Mr. Unreliable, so I doubt he'll be around much, if ever, but him being back, even marginally, makes me wish he wasn't. Now that I know he's around, not being able to see him is oddly painful. There's another wish...that the people I know weren't such fucking flakes.
The next post will probably be an ipod post, so I can finally do something easy and go back to doing a list.

Later-
me