A Short BBS Handbook

In this post, I made a little semi-list of the rules of BBS.
My Life in Lists and Stupid Stories: Random Thoughts On Random Play

There are a few more things to expect in a BBS. The most important one is that they are always afraid of their feelings. You will never get honesty from them in front of them, ever. Don't expect it, you will get hurt. The honesty will come in the form of cryptic things said, texted, or emailed at weird hours so there is plausible deniablity. "I was drunk", "I just had a fight with (insert significant other who they are miserable with here)" and "I was overtired and rambling" are the three phrases you will hear most after one of these sessions.

Next, after one of these sessions, no matter what they tell you, you will never and I mean never hear from them the next day. They need time. To extricate themselves from whatever short term problem got them in contact with you. They need time to think about how they are going to deal with whatever they said to you and you to them. (A side note here. Another great BBS trick is to find out how you feel about them so that they can proceed to use it against you for 5 years or 10 years or whatever of treating you like garbage. I've got two of these running, one slightly over 10 years, and one about 7 years. It's so much fun. One is essentially a nice guy who comes off as having the best of intentions, but he's the reigning king of blow offs and hurtful stunts, the other one is a major asshole with extreme mental issues. Either way, they can both make me cry and they know it.) The other reason you won't hear from them right away after this, is that, since they didn't follow up the next day, they have to figure out how they are going to get back around without you being pissed. Someone who is a seasoned pro at dealing with BBS shit won't be pissed. Hell. it's in the handbook. They just deal with it, and the next BBS call may or may not be returned. Sometimes the victims of the BBS need time to deal as well. But eventually, all will go back to whatever state of normal there is.

A BBS will always have a relationship going on, even if it's imaginary. There will always be some major obstacle keeping him from whatever or whoever it is that they supposedly "really" want. The obstacle will always be female and they will always be controlling and dominating, so that the BBS has a ready and able excuse for his blow offs or other rotten behavior. The girl will also be used (see above) as an easy excuse for why they've called you at 3 am, or texted you at midnight or emailed you at 6:30 am with odd comments that might be taken as romantic and hopeful if they weren't coming from a BBS.

A BBS may or may not be aware that he's hurt you. He will hurt you, trust me on this one. To care, even mildly for a BBS promises tears and heartbreak. Hell, I've had BBS friends who have made me cry. A BBS may care that he's hurt you, but unless he's one of those into huge gestures (Personally, the most fun type, but they are a dying breed), it'll never be acknowledged. They either go big or stay home. Since they know they can hurt you and still reach you the next time around, what motivation do they have for trying to make it up to you? None, and that lies at the feet of the BBS victim. She allows it to happen, so they don't even have to try.

A true BBS will never know you. They might know all of your buttons and which ones to hit, but they won't know if you have siblings. They might know that you like a particular band, but that's just because you've played it in front of them. They won't know your favorite color, or what tv shows you like, or if you prefer vanilla or chocolate. They just won't. It's one of the things that clogs the way to a real relationship. Do you spend all your money (and therefore his) on clothes or books? Are you the type who likes to go out every night or are you comfortable at home? These are things that are important, but a BBS won't think of, to do so would spoil the big romantic notion he won't share with you.

Oddly, a girl who plays with BBS are big romantics, but that's just a side fact. That side fact keeps them around though, although with the romantic big gestured BBS fading, don't know if the girls will stay. The fact that a BBS will remember major nonpersonal holidays is nice, but they'll remember your birthday only if there is a clear reason for doing so. You'll get a five second phone call, if that, but it'll buy brownie points for the next few fuck ups. The BBS wars are hell, but some people are just drawn to it.

I am a veteran of these wars, scars and all. I'm ok with that. I like BBS. I know what to expect, and because of that, I can occasionally avoid some of the pain. Is it worth it? I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out.

later-
me

No, It Don't Really Matter

It's Christmas Eve...
I'm sick
I'm bored
I'm worried about various people who have much worse lives than mine at the moment
I'm hungry
I'm missing some people
I'm missing Sybil
I need to do laundry
I need to clean up a bit before tomorrow

But it don't really matter.......

I'm listening to Chinese Democracy......

Later-
me

I Want You More When You're Afraid Of Me

Today was a banner day. I was waiting until just the right moment to get my hands on my personal Rosetta Stone...Chinese Democracy. So, I finally got it in my greedy little hands and opened it and smelled that precious new cd smell..no mp3 or illegal downloading on this one. I had to have it in my hands. I'll save my downloading for live stuff.
It's Friday, so I'm out as usual, with the Chinese gold in my purse. The night was sweet and pleasant and I knew it was going to end with me listening to Axl and claiming this to be one of the best nights ever. Yeah right.
The door of the bar opened and in walked my best dream and my worst nightmare. The dream was dear sweet beautiful friend that I haven't seen in so long that I used to ache when I thought about him. I've missed him so much that I can't even truly put it into words.
The nightmare was...well..see the last post. The one about the guy that I will someday grow up to be. But as not all nightmares are evil, I was reasonably happy to see him, until I realized that he was overly drunk and there specifically to hurt me. He'd gotten some bad intel and said he was going to show up and teach me a lesson. He hasn't shown up for two years, so I didn't believe him. I've been wrong before and I was wrong now. The night wound up with him leaving..and (hee hee) taking a header in the snow outside the bar and me in tears.
For good or bad, everyone saw what he did and what he said and there wasn't anyone on his side, but that's kind of irrelevant. He took another step towards showing me what I have to look forward to. I know I will be him, but I don't want to. I don't want to be that malicious or cruel. I want to be able to not be afraid of my feelings like he is and I want to be free of what he's cost me. There's so much more to say, but I don't know what it is right now. But I promise I will revisit this subject.
I didn't listen to my Chinese gold tonight...it's just not a night to enjoy it.
Tomorrow's post will be by a guest writer and then I think I might have it together to talk some more about tonight.

L-
me

This Is What I Should I Have Posted On Friday

Tonight I’m invisible. I’m a modern day American ninja. I have my sunglasses on tight, I can see you, but you can’t see me. I have my iPod on, loud enough for me to hear the music and you. I’m running through a shuffle play right now, a mix of everything from Ice T to The Troggs, making me think, every second of every song. I have a book, but, I’m standing on the train and I can’t get to it. It would have only been more camouflage anyway.
You don’t see me and I don’t want you to. Tonight I’m a fraud, a liar and an empty shell waiting for the night to fill me up. Tonight I am myself, completely and totally. I belong to myself and I am a fraud. I accept that.
I’m on my way to an AA meeting. I’m a fraud there too. I use a false name because I don’t need or want their help and I want to be able to take off the persona when I walk out the door. I am a drug addict, but that’s no one’s business but my own. That addiction is honest.
I’m fascinated by the meetings, the sharing of deep feelings that feel sanitized because no one is truly ready to admit how bad they really are. Except the mental hospital chick and she is only a shadow in the crowd of people looking to find help for something they call a disease, but sit in a room and ask God for help with. God doesn’t cure cancer. God doesn’t cure AIDS. God doesn’t even cure the common cold, so why is this disease supposedly cured by God? It seems wrong and ironic at the same time. I’m trying to decide if AA is just another form of jailhouse religion, and why this meeting doesn’t have cookies.
The meeting is over and the more I stay away from these people, the more they approach me. It’s funny. I’m here with a friend who has to be here and they ignore him. So much for the ninja. Maybe he can teach me a trick or two.
My friend and I go to dinner and I have a glass of wine, it’s the first liquid to touch my mouth today except for the water used to brush my teeth and it tastes like kisses from a slightly pretentious rock star. The wine instead of Jack type. It’s a comfortable, relaxing dinner. I needed it. I had a bad fight today and I want to forget it. I want to forget that my life is full of emotionally broken people and that their words are weapons because they are all they have left. I took a few heavy blows in this fight and another part of myself died. Parts of me have been dying regularly these days and I wonder often how much is left before I become the shattered, psychotic, broken mirror that the former love of my life is. The man who tortured me more than anyone else, because I let him. I had to see the wreckage, because I know I’ll be there one day. I’ll be there. Not with him, but I will be him. I will be dead inside and won’t be able to pull up anything except venom and bile. He is my future, he is what I will grow up to be and it doesn’t scare me anymore. It really doesn’t bother me anymore either. I’ve always been curious as to who my soul mate was, and it doesn’t surprise me that it’s someone whose soul has died. It actually makes perfect sense. He’s a few years older than me and I figure when I’m his age I will be him.
We go to a bar after dinner. It’s the type of place that you go to like you go to work. It’s a routine, a habit you’re not fond of, but there you are. It’s a bar of hatred, pain, anger, frosted over with drunken smiles. “Aren’t we having fun?” They slur this while knifing someone in the back, or maybe ruining a friendship, or a marriage. Cruelty is the currency here. You better be ready with an insult or sarcastic crack if you’re going to play here. You can’t be weak. The weak aren’t eaten here, although it would be easier, they are paraded around with their weaknesses in neon. I’m not weak. Not here, never here. I know what has happened to others and I’m not going to be them. I’m just here. Sometimes I need to drink, sometimes, I want to see people, but mostly, I’m just here because it’s what I do.
I need to be pretty here tonight. I need to be a girl. I need to be weak. I can’t be and I know it. I have to ignore those who could give me solace, exactly because they would see it for the weakness it is. I need to swallow all of it, the betrayals of the last few weeks, the pain and shame of losing so much of what I believed in over a period of days. I have to swallow the isolation and devastation of having my hero dismiss me. I have to swallow the humiliation of the fight today. I have to be a fraud. I can’t need anyone, because that need would betray those who need me and would maybe put me on the path to being human. I want to go to someone, a very particular someone, wrap my arms around him and say “Let’s go for a walk around the block. Get some air.”. I don’t though, I can’t. To do that would knock down everything I’ve built up around me. He wouldn’t get it anyway. Who would?
Today I was a fraud, and I’m just waiting for the day when I grow up and become my future. Hold on to what you have of me now, because it’s running out fast. Soon, I’ll be the person you don’t talk to anymore because you know whatever I say will hurt you. I’ll be the person you all hate. But I’ll no longer be a fraud.

You Know Where You Are? You're In The Jungle Baby!

As I think everyone knows, I live in a very small world. My circle of friends is small, my circle of people who think they're my friend is sadly large, but basically, I am never very difficult to find. I'm just difficult to reach.
The place where I tend to hang out most Friday nights is laughingly called "high school with beer". That's not quite right, we had beer in high school and we still weren't this childish. It's a bar where most people have been hanging out forever, newcomers are noticed because they are just so rare and pretty much everyone wants to be king of the mountain.
I've written posts from the top and bottom of this mountain and I don't care much either way if I'm looking up or down, but for a lot of people, it's a huge deal. Everyone wants to be king. King of darts, king of pool, king of antisocial behavior (no, I'm not kidding), king of the jukebox, king of whatever. They just want to be king. It's a little minitown that every move is immediately sent on the grapevine, plans to hurt people are openly and cheerfully discussed and nothing you do or say is ignored.
The worst of it all is the male/female relations. All the guys are pigs and all the girls are sluts, or something like that. I've had in the past, and am having now, problems with simple basic friendships. If you are a girl, single, married or indifferent and you hang out with someone, talking, playing darts or pools or whatever, you are automatically sleeping with them. The most recent is with a friend I have known for longer than I've been going to this place and longer than I've known most of the people in my life these days. Is he an attractive guy? Absolutely. Is he a nice guy? Yeah. Is he smart and great to talk to? Without a doubt. Are we more than friends? Nope. Am I having to stop and think before I talk to him in public? Sadly, yes. Are there entire parts of the grapevine devoted to are we or aren't we? Yep. Is that as creepy and obtrusive as it seems? 100%.
So, to stop asking questions and sum stuff up, I have a friend with whom I would love to have a real friendship with, as I do with other people of the opposite sex, but it seems to becoming an impossibility. I don't care what people think, but if my friends care, then I have to respect them and their feelings.
In a place where everything is on display and if nothing is going on, it gets invented, it's amazing that any friendships survive. Yeah, while it's true that a lot of the male/female relationships at this place include cheating on a spouse or significant other, it's not always the case. Sometimes, it's just two people trying to carry on a conversation or a game of darts without being bothered. It's a bar right? People go there to relax and unwind and shed some of the problems of their day. But if the simple act of friendship is going to be hideously misconstrued, why bother?
I'm not going to wear the good guy badge here and claim that there is never any flirtiness or physical contact, but it's all harmless to everyone INVOLVED. There is no running off to Tijuana or Vegas or a cheap motel somewhere, and again, to the people INVOLVED, that's clear. But, if you're not involved, why should it matter? Most...ok all of my friends are male and there is a level of touchy feely with all of them. Some more than others, some less, no biggie. there's no misrepresentation or lies, it's just what it is.
I guess the point that I'm trying to make, is that while I'm little miss self reliant, I'm aware that there is a rumor mill and that there are people in there that aren't as headstrong as I am and actually care what others think. I just don't feel that I need to choose my friends based on what other people think. Maybe I should stop hanging out with my male friends and go drink cosmos in some high class lounge after shopping all day for shoes with the girls. Ok, I considered suicide writing that line, never gonna happen. I like my friends and I like being with them and talking with them and maybe having a friendship that doesn't have to be carried out on the grapevines of the world. Close friends are really hard to find, and what sex they are shouldn't matter. Every single one of my close friends is male and I wouldn't have it any other way. They may all be BBS, but I care for all of them. The point of all of this is... (wow..I feel like Doogie Howser) actually, i think i made my point.

later-
me

You Know I'm A Dreamer....

This past week has been a scary one. Bad things don't come in threes, they travel in packs. It's been a lot of ugliness that spins me back to times when this stuff was a daily occurrence. I have a friend in jail right now, I have another friend who stopped messing with needles, but decided that a couple more times for old time sakes wouldn't kill him. It didn't, but isn't that kind of irrelevant? I've had late night phone calls from people who claim they are dying. Are they? I have no idea, except to guess that we all are eventually, so who am I to question it? Another person from my past has died, with a lot of unresolved issues.
I always knew I'd never escape the darker areas of my life. I've always wanted to though. I daydream about a little apartment with a bedroom with carpet and a place to put all my books, so I don't have to freecycle a bunch every few months. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to have a house, but since I'm still pretty uncomfortable in large dark spaces, I'll stick with a little apartment.
Sometimes I wish that I never knew what drugs were like, or what it felt like to have sex against your will, or what it felt like to be alone and scared and not knowing what was going to happen to you. I wish I never felt the punch from people who were supposed to keep you safe. But I know all that way too well. I always kind of thought that it would be different when I grew up. Not when I turned 18 or 21, but when I grew up. I knew that wasn't going to happen at any preset time, but I figured that since I spent most of my life being responsible for one person or another, that there wouldn't be much growing up left to do. It's not any different because I'm still befriending the BBS and other people who are severely wounded in some form. I wonder what it would be like to be the one taken care of. My husband takes care of me in the financial ways, but emotionally, I'm still pretty much on my own. Most of my friends ( see the opening paragraph), still need someone to take care of them. As I have repeatedly said, I wonder what it would be like to have someone who listened and heard.
I miss a lot of people once in my life and a few who are on the edges of it. Like the guy from the last post. I miss him a lot and I have no idea why or how he became important. He's another Mr. Unreliable, so I doubt he'll be around much, if ever, but him being back, even marginally, makes me wish he wasn't. Now that I know he's around, not being able to see him is oddly painful. There's another wish...that the people I know weren't such fucking flakes.
The next post will probably be an ipod post, so I can finally do something easy and go back to doing a list.

Later-
me

It's Just A Jump To The Left...

What have I been up to lately? Living in a weird state of 1997/2001. I entered the Facebook time warp, but then it started to bleed out into other years. I reconnected with some people from my ugly past, pre1993 on Facebook, and after some soul searching about the open wounds I've been ignoring, I came to enjoy it. Then through a series of circumstances that couldn't be reproduced on a bet, I started reconnecting with people from 1997 and beyond.
1997 was the end of an era and the beginning of now. I split with my husband and met a lot of new people, including my current husband. But, he's not the point. Some people that I met in the beginning of 1997 and on are still heavily in my life, and some aren't. Then there are a few who were there, left, and came back, recently, now. Those are the ones that are the point.
There seems to be some unfinished business there. Not in a bad way, but friendships unexplored or relationships unnoticed. It's all very cool, but really odd. I blame it on the time warp week of Cruefest. That was a week of going out all week and hanging with the same people I was hanging with in 2001. A little taste of what passed for fun in 2001. Ever since then, there seems to be a revisiting of people and things from the past that doesn't show any sign of letting up. There are two people in particular that seem to be unopened gifts. One, I met in the worst possible way, that seems to be needing a friend and decided that I may be one. It's flattering and it's refreshing to deal with someone who has known me for awhile and doesn't judge me on the past me. The other is a bit more complicated. He's a person I've known was going to be important from the first time I saw him and I was right. We drifted away, but then reconnected recently, and we'll see what happens this time. Maybe he's not meant to be in my life, but maybe he is.
I'm not sure how much I like wandering back in time. I hate second guessing myself, and that's what this seems like. I know, what happens happens and all that, but it seems irrelevant to go back. It's going to happen whether I like it or not, but I wonder how it's all going to turn out. I also wonder why these people. There's no particular reason why they would be back around, but here they are, and I have to deal with it. I worry though, about the second guy in particular. He could do the most damage to my pretty little glass house, and that's a bit scary. friends of mine have already made comments about it, and it keeps me on my toes. Who knows what will happen in the future, but sadly, it all seems connected to my past.

Less Than Zero

A friend of mine did a series of posts on his blog about relationship injustices. He more than likely covered this, but it's my turn.

I don't have a lot of people I consider friends. There are a lot that consider me one. Maybe that's a good thing, or maybe not. I have one dearly cherished person who is flat out using me, whether he realizes it or not...you know who you are, and if you don't, I do.
I have friends, actual friends who I love dearly who are so wrapped up in their own things, that I hesitate before I try and try and try to call them. Eventually I get through, but most of the time, my natural defense mechanism is back by then and they probably don't understand that I was really upset in the first place. This doesn't make them right. Doesn't make me right either, just stating the facts.
This post is titled Less than Zero because I was thinking about that movie today and realizing that there are quite a few people in my life who are Julian. Then I watched it again and was sure that they are. No, they aren't whoring themselves out for their dealers, but they are the ones who you pull them out of the fire again and again and they give you the speech. You know the speech...this isn't a quote of Julian's speech, it's a variation on a theme. The "I love you so much, you're always there for me. Even when I'm a bad friend, you still care, even though I don't know why you do. You shouldn't care about me, I don't deserve it. I really really love you. You're the best! I promise to be better. A better person, a better friend, a whole new me." Until the next time, and there will be a next time. Some of those will be dead soon. Most, hopefully, won't be and maybe they'll catch themselves.
So, why do I do it? Why do I pick up these people time and again? Love mostly. If I didn't love them, I wouldn't do it.Even the guy I said was using me, I love to death. These people can be there for you though. If you catch them at the right time, they'll be there for you, but the right time is a split second. Miss it and it's gone forever.
As a reformed Julian/drama queen myself, I get so frustrated with these people. My life is pretty good, but not perfect. I'm not a handbook on clean and angelic living, but I do have things happen, when I need my pieces picked up. My core is strong enough that when that happens and the Julians are sleeping, getting wasted, or just disinclined to answer the phone, I can pick up my own pieces. Bully for me. I hate myself at times like those, because counting on a Julian is like loving a Broken Boy Soldier. They won't be there.
That's the catch 22. Surround yourself with Julians and Broken Boy Soldiers and you get to be really strong. Be really strong and all you will attract is Julians and Broken Boy Soldiers. It's a bitch, and unfair, but it's life. To every person their own life is the center of the universe, my own as well, but sometimes, you need to be the shoulder getting cried on, instead of the one crying.

Cruefest Review

Trying to strike a balance between my Nikki can do no wrong stand and reality isn't as easy as you'd think. I think I managed it. It's a little Nikki heavy, naturally, but all in all, it's a decent review.

Trapt-Didn't see them, heard good things.
Sixx A.M.- Missed the first song and a half, but there was decent crowd response and they sounded a bit too much like the album. I know the album is effect heavy, and it really showed. They were fun to watch, except when Nikki turned sideways and blended in with some equipment. I would like to see them to a full set though.
Papa Roach- Kinda saw them and they got a great crowd response. I recognized some of their songs, from bars I've been in, but nothing really stuck out for me. I wouldn't pay to see them alone and generally, they put on an ok show.
Buckcherry- Amazing crowd response. Ok, that said.... Now, excuse me kind Buckcherry sirs, are you aware that you had a second album from which there was a hit? The album was called Time Bomb and the hit was called Ridin. It's an excellent album and you should have played something from it.
I had a very hard time watching them. While they were great and I really do like them, the show itself was so formulaic that it kind of overpowered everything.
a)Open with first hit off first album. Check.
b)Play third hit off third album. Check.
c)Talk to the crowd about how much you like to drink and fuck,then go into song about drinking and fucking. Check.
d)Play big ballad hit off third album. Check.
e)Work the crowd "Hey Chicago, we really love it here". Check.
f)Play long extended version of monster hit with 2 Zeppelinesque covers worked in. Check.
g)Work the crowd while performing above monster hit. Playing to all the "Crazy Bitches" out there. Check.
Yawn. Good show, if I hadn't seen it done by a thousand other bands. This is in no way a bashing of Buckcherry. They have energy, talent and charisma to spare, but they should ditch the formula and just have some fun. I have all their stuff and will continue to buy it, but I'd like to see them not on the Fest circuit. They are much better than their stage show.
Which brings us to...... MOTLEY FUCKING CRUE
This is where it gets sticky. Having seen the Crue so many times, I saw the difference between this, a festival show and a normal Crue show. This was very badly spaced, and they kept throwing the timing off. Building up to a frenzy, then stopping dead. It wasn't like any Crue show I'd seen before, and while it was good, it wasn't great. It didn't fall into the worst ten Crue shows I've seen, it wasn't in the ten best either. Basically, it was a lot of fun and a great way to spend an evening and fuck it, Nikki was there, so it couldn't be all that bad.
I'm going to break this down into little bitty pieces, so get ready.
Vince. Is now taking singing lessons. Who the fuck needs a trill in Shout At The Devil? For VINCE (which really puts this on a pretty low scale), he looked good. Not bloated and he was moving around and seemed to be enjoying himself. He sounded better than he has in awhile (trill not included) and he kept up his end of the show pretty well.
Tommy. Didn't see much of him. Sounded good, sounded drunk, sounded like Tommy. His little performance with the Tit E. Cam was amusing, and one of the only two times he stepped out from behind the drums. The drum kit was huge and kind of blocked him from the crowd, which is just weird for Tommy. He played piano (of course) on Home Sweet Home (another manipulate the crowd moment, which I'll cover later), and he looked happy. He's Tommy, it's not all that complicated.
Mick. He moves! He plays! He occasionally smiles! It was great! It's always a comfort to look at that side of the stage and see Mick. There was also a lot of interaction between him and Nikki and Vince which was nice to see after all the years of infighting. He sounded fantastic and that made the show worth it for that alone.
Songs. They only played two songs off the new album, which is really nice. I hate having the new album shoved down my throat. In other towns they played other songs, but I can't review them, I can only wish they had played them. This was the first Crue show I have ever seen where I didn't hear "Too Young To Fall In Love" and/or "Too Fast For Love". Oddly I was bitterly disappointed by that. I don't need to hear Primal Scream or Same Old Situation, but they needed to play them I guess. The songs sounded great, they were just placed in such an awkward order that I'm thinking Nikki must have been doing something else when the set list was made. It seems to be a pretty solid set list from show to show. The other songs get put in to replace Motherfucker Of The Year if the crowd doesn't respond to Saints Of Los Angeles. They could keep the same list, but play around with it so that it flows a little better and it would be a great show.
Crowd and stage show. Typical insane Crue reaction. They really really really need to stop playing manipulate the audience though. It broke up the flow of the show and it's not really necessary, they're Motley Crue. I don't want to (and actually can't)say "Fuck you Sixx" and I don't want to hear that Detroit is a louder crowd. I don't want to play sit down/stand up games. I don't want to see the Tit E. Cam emerging from it's dressing room/ladies room, just bring the fucking thing out. I don't want to be offered a shot from a bottle of Jager from a man who has Hepatitis. I don't want to hold up my right hand and make motorcycle moves. I just want to hear some great music played by a great band. They don't need all these gimmicks, almost everyone there knew and loved them anyway. I'm assuming that maybe some of them weren't there for the Crue, so that's why I say almost. But in general, the only thing that truly manipulated me was the whole Home Sweet Home thing. That was the only song in the encore. They came out, Tommy sitting at the white piano, Nikki wearing a white hat and coat and all four of them played it together while images from their history played on the big screens. Although...who played drums? Tommy was at the piano. Intermingled with the images were scenes from the HSH video... coulda skipped that. Lots of pyro, one of which almost set Nikki on fire. Typical Crue show.
I seem to be forgetting something... let's see... Vince, Tommy, Mick, songs, crowd, stage show...what is it? Oh I remember (see, a bit of Crue like manipulation, not all that great.)NIKKI!
Nikki. What can I say? Nikki sounded great, looked great, except for the weird Quasimodo bass positions in the beginning of the show. Nikki is great, and considering he, as the President of 11-7 records, brought all of this together, I gotta be impressed. I wish he was above the crowd manipulations, he flat out was the worst offender of the day on that one, but he does know how to work a crowd in other ways. He was smiling (I think we need to thank Kat Von D. for that)and seemed and looked just fucking thrilled to be out on that stage. I tend to get very distracted by Nikki onstage, just because of him being Nikki Sixx, but this time he interacted with everyone, and I got to see more of the control he wields and the bonds with everyone. Mostly Mick. The weirdest interaction was when the new improved singing Vince tried to hit a note he used to hit back when the song was originally recorded. He was standing next to Nikki when he hit it and the look of astonishment on Nikki's face was hysterical. All in all, with the exception of the crowd crap, Nikki was, as usual, the high point of the night. He does need to take a closer look at the set list though, seriously.

Later-
me

Desert Island Part 2

Now that I can look at my last post without getting queasy, I decided to go easy on myself for this next one. These are the next 10 questions in the desert island email from hell.

1. What five movie stars would you bring?
a)Johnny Depp
b)Angelina Jolie
c)Sandra Bullock
d)Steve Buscemi
e)DJ Qualls

2. What five TV stars would you bring?
a)Matthew Gray Gubler
b)Charlie Sheen
c)Vincent D'Onforio
d)Hugh Laurie
e)Gary Sinise

3. What five sports figures would you bring?
a)Charles Barkley
b)Manny Ramirez
c)A.J. Pierzynski
d)Darius Kasparaitis
e)Phil Hellmuth
If one of those can't make it then Antonio Esfandiari will fill in

4. What five movies would you bring?
a)A Christmas Story
b)Purple Rain
c)The Crow
d)The Usual Suspects
e)The Nightmare Before Christmas

5. What five recent TV shows would you bring? Remember all new episodes will be added as they are released.
a)All Law and Orders
b)Criminal Minds
c)House
d)Bones
e)Hell's Kitchen

6. What five older shows would you bring?
a)Barney Miller
b)Saturday Night Live
c)The Odd Couple
d)The Gilmore Girls
e)The Facts Of Life

7. Which five actors entire body of work would you bring?
a)Leonardo DeCaprio (I don't have to watch Titanic)
b)Johnny Depp
c)Kevin Spacey
d)Reese Witherspoon
e)Steve Buscemi

8. Which five authors entire body of work would you bring? all new works will be added.
a)Robert B. Parker
b)J.D. Robb
c)Mario Puzo
d)John Steinbeck
e)Jonathan Kellerman

9. Which five specific book series, if any, not covered by the authors above would you bring? You only get the books in that series added as the come out.
a)The Sisterhood series by Fern Michaels
b)The Lucas Davenport series by John Sanford ( Luckily this includes crossovers with the Kidd series)
c)The Hannah Swensen series by JoAnne Fluke
d)The Kinsey Milhone series by Sue Grafton
e)The Stone Barrington series (and all its crossovers) by Stuart Woods

10. What five magazines would you bring?
a)Entertainment Weekly
b)Rolling Stone
c)Reader's Digest
d)Vanity Fair
e) Us Weekly

It just gets weirder from here....

Later
me

I Remember You

Sometimes people in life are around for no other reason than to simply bring joy and happiness into other's lives. Usually, those people have a lot of pain and heartache in their own life and that makes them even more amazing. This post is about one of them.

Life was never easy for Joey Ramone. He was a sickly kid and then almost crippled by OCD. He died way too young. We all know that.

What else we know is that he was a talented man. He was a very smart man. He was a kind man.

He was also a bitter man. A lonely man. A tortured man.

For the most part, he made people happy. His music brings joy and a wistful sense of hope for love and romance. The hope of those things was what he had. It's not what he had, it's what he wanted.

I spoke with Joey too many times to count in the year before his death and he was usually optimistic. He had a lot to say and I was lucky enough to hear and document it. I personally did the last known interview with Joey. Here's the link. To the best of my knowledge, it's never been reprinted anywhere. I've never approved it to be, so this is the only place to find it. There's another interview that I did with him on there as well.

www.musicgourmets.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=12&t=2360

I have pages upon pages of interviews with him, as well as spoke to him "off the record" for hours and came to the conclusion that Joey was human. He had flaws, but at the core, he was a good guy and I sincerely miss him.

The love of the Ramones and especially Joey is another essential part of me. They weren't in my life for the entire time, but when they finally did wander onto my radar, I can't possibly imagine what I listened to before.

I've been watching a documentary the last few days, not The End Of The Century, but I do recommend that one. It's been hard, I have to keep stopping to cry. Joey's life was so good and so heartbreakingly sad. All he wanted was to have a girl to hold hands with and love. We all deserve that, but maybe Joey a little more than the rest of us. Now that he's gone, it's even sadder that that simple dream was denied him.

Someone like Joey deserved every dream he ever reached for. He overcame a lot and didn't get a quarter of the good things he so richly deserved. That's the downside of The Ramones, I guess. Everyone knew them, but everyone overlooked them. Now three of them are gone and all we have is some of the most incredible music ever put out there, some documentaries, some books and a billion ripoff bands. Don't ever let anyone say that they didn't try. They tried harder than anyone could have tried, fought harder than most and now they're gone. I cried when they split, and I cry now when I think about Joey. But, nothing and I mean NOTHING can take away my love for their music, the electric jolt I get at an opening note or 1-2-3-4 or the happiness I get from hearing them.

I've lots more to say, but not enough emotional strength to say it. Just remember if you find "The One", fight for it, hard. Fight like Joey. Someone deserves to succeed.

Later,
Me

Desert Island Part 1

I've resisted doing a "Desert Island" list forever, but I got the craziest one yesterday. It's so long and detailed, that I think it would be the best desert island ever. If you take all the little details into this, this is more like a medium sized town, not an island. I'd go there tomorrow, if it was set up like this! Here we go....

1. If you were stranded on a desert island what five foods would you take? Keep in mind that you have enough water and you will have all equipment and ingredients to make whatever you choose.

a)Pickles- but I hope I don't have to make those.
b)Chicken rice soup
c)Steak- but only if I don't have to kill the cow
d)Rice
e)Caesar salad

I'm figuring there's seafood, so lobster, crab and shrimp were all left off.

2. What five beverages would you take? Once again everything you'd need to make the drinks how you want is included.

a)Dunkin Donuts coffee
b)Simply Apple juice
c)A & W Root Beer
d)Champagne
e)Simply Orange juice

3. What five people would you take with you?

a)Beaker
b)My mom
c)Mike
d)Dave
e)What's a party without a clown?

4. What five musicians would you bring?

a)Nikki Sixx
b)Jack White
c)Boy George
d)Kevin Junior
e)Courtney Love

5. What five bands would you bring?

Assuming that the previous five musicians would bring their own bands....
a)the original Guns N Roses
b)Heart
c)Aerosmith (under strict orders not to play anything past Done With Mirrors)
d)The Black Crowes
e)Hanoi Rocks (although I doubt the island is big enough for them and the members of the Crue)

6. What five musicians discographies would you bring? Keep in mind that a a musician would cover all of their bands, and anything new they released would be added.

a)Boy George
b)Jack White
c)Stiv Bators
d)Nikki Sixx
e)Courtney Love

7. What five band discographies would you bring?

a)The Ramones
b)The Black Crowes
c)Nirvana
d)Marilyn Manson
e)Guns N Roses

8. What five single albums would you bring?

a)Mother Love Bone-S/T
b)Chris Whitley-Living With The Law
c)Nine Inch Nails-Pretty Hate Machine
d)Def Leppard-Pyromania
e)Hanoi Rocks-Self Destruction Blues

9. What five soundtracks would you bring?

a)Purple Rain
b)Singles
c)Return Of The Living Dead
d)The Nightmare Before Christmas
e)Songs In The Key of Springfield

10. One cd. Five songs of your choice.

a)Burden In My Hand-Soundgarden
b)Good Vibrations-The Beach Boys
c)Magic Man-Heart
d)Looking For A Kiss-New York Dolls
e)Need You Tonight-INXS

This thing goes for 45 questions, so I'll split them up. I take no responsibility for the phrasing of these questions, I didn't write them.

Actually the music questions although detailed were really difficult. There was so much good music left out. Oh well..hopefully some of the people on the island (so far..more join later) will bring what I couldn't.

Later-
Me

Welcome To The Goodtimes Baby!

I thought I took meds to keep from being bipolar! I've been alternating between being elated over things happening and miserable about other things. I guess that's not bipolar, it's just my world is full of weird stuff these days.

CRUEFEST!!!!!!!! CRUEFEST!!!!!!! CRUEFEST!!!!!!!! CRUEFEST!!!!!!!!!!!!CRUEFEST!!!!!!!!!!

Nikki is playing twice in one day! Got my tickets!! This is the summer tour I wish I could deadhead on. I'd love to see this show every day for the whole summer, but I'll settle for one blissful day of Nikki!

What a great summer. Nikki, more Nikki, Boy George, The Red Sox, The Raconteurs and Buckcherry. It doesn't get sweeter than this. I'm thinking George reads this, because I got the wish I begged for all over this blog....he's singing. 'Bout fuckin time!

Found a new blog I'm digging these days. It's short, but I figure if people could wait over a year for me to update this at one point, I can hang around.

Advice for the day.... never type and listen to Guns N Roses, the typos here are staggering. I'm much too anal to let it go, so I have to read everything five or six times to make sure I didn't miss any.

Getting a little screwed up over the crap I keep playing with in my head. There's a light at the end of the tunnel..here's hoping it's not the train. There's a decision to be made, and eventually I have to make it. I'm getting very close, but it's not easy. My overanalyzing everything is not helping. Keep all your fingers crossed,in the lucky way, not the religious way.

Later-
Me

Life Experiences Part 2

These were left as a comment on the first Life Experiences and I liked them, so here you go. Thanks Zac!

(x) Lied to someone you love to protect their feelings
(x) Used a Ouija board
(x) Eaten something so spicy you thought your head would explode
(x) Been hit by someone who claimed to love you
(x) Wet yourself (Or worse) in public since the age of 7
(x) Stood up for someone
(x) Saw someone naked who you didn't have a crush on, only to later develop one
(x) Been stung by a bee or similar bug
() Had hot coffee in the lap
(x) Opened a soda that someone had shook up

In other fun news...I got Boy George tickets! He's singing!! I wish it wasn't because he probably needs legal fee money, but I don't care. Boy George...not as a dj..all singing!!
And I hereby solemnly swear that I will write a minimum of once a week from now on.

Another Post That Mentions Nikki Sixx

Fuck. It's been almost 2 months since I did anything here. No, that's not true, I started 2 posts but deleted them, because they weren't relevant when I got back to them.
I've got a bunch of stuff on my mind, but I haven't untangled it yet. So, I'm going to go easy on this one. It's a plain list of the most influential bands or musicians in my life. Enjoy...


1. Motley Crue. Nikki Sixx is in this band, need I say more? No, but I will anyway. Motley gave a release valve to the rage I had bottled up when I was younger. They also gave me new rage when Vince killed the drummer of another band on this list. The effect of Nikki Sixx on my life has been dissected here endlessly, so I won't go into it again, but that effect makes them the absolute top influence. Nikki wrote the songs and and was chief dictator, so essentially he IS the Crue. There would have been not Crue without him and I wouldn't be who I am without him and the Crue.


2. The Rolling Stones. I remember lying in the bathtub and my mom put on an album and I just started screaming "Who is this?" It was the Stones, and I fell hard. They were my very first music obsession, and oddly it was Brian Jones who was my first Rolling Stone love. Dead rock star love started with Brian and continues to this day. I eventually drifted into loves of Mick and Keith ( both when they were young and beautiful), but Brian still holds my heart. I loved how easily they mixed the rough bluesy stuff with the sweet Ruby Tuesday type things. I also learned from them a lesson that would in handy in later life. Don't expect a guy to care much beyond himself. It's an odd lesson to take away from a band, but it's one of the best lessons I've ever learned and I use that lesson every single day. My roots start in the Stones and every band I ever loved is somehow wrapped up in those roots.


3. The Ramones. Thank God for The Ramones. It's something I do quite often. I don't even want to picture a life where they never existed. It's bad enough that Joey and Dee Dee are gone. What it comes down to is if there were never any Ramones or Crue, there would be no me. It's just that simple.


4. Hanoi Rocks. The second blonde singer I ever fell for, Robin Zander was the first. I had to work to hear Hanoi. I'd known of them before Two Steps came out and way before the Vince Neil murder of Razzle, but when I finally got hold of their music, I never let go. The only hatred I have at all for my friend Kevin is that he got to see Hanoi, and in Berlin no less grrrr. I think Hanoi is the only band on this list I haven't seen. I might be wrong, but if I am, I'll edit that line out so no one will know anyway. The worst of Hanoi was the best of so many bands who came after. They are just that good. Andy McCoy, for all of his insanity, although everyone in that band is certifiable, is just one of the most underrated musicians. Once I pushed my way past the delicate beauty of Mike Monroe's looks, and the fantastic strength of his voice, I discovered the intricate melodies that Andy put together and his rock solid arrangements and was just amazed. I still listen to something Hanoi almost every time I listen to music.


5. Heart. Ann Wilson can make me cry, and has many many times. There is no voice like hers and through her I learned the power of what music can do. I heard Dreamboat Annie when it first came out (yeah I was really young) and that was my first exposure to the power of music and how it influences you and your moods and I learned to use that power very quickly and it's still where I get a lot of my strength. Thank you Ann.


6. Boy George. He was the epitome of so many things that I loved. His voice is the standard to which I compare all other male singers. Most don't even come near it. His album Cheapness & Beauty makes me want to find him and slap him around until he agrees to put out another like it. If you haven't heard that album, listen to it, just once. I promise you will understand why his decision to stop singing makes me want to kill him. You don't have to like Culture Club to love that album. While we're on the subject of Culture Club, I love good pop music, guys in makeup, and someone who can really sing. George nailed it. When all the girls in my class were arguing over who was cuter, Simon LeBon or Nick Rhodes, I was cheerfully arguing that Boy George was a much better singer than anyone out there at the time. If I got sucked into the Duran argument, my answer was always John Taylor, but then I'd go back to fighting the vocal talent fight. I still agree with myself.


7. Guns N Roses. Appetite gave me hope for the future of music. The aggression and odd sense of hope that drips from that album is still some of the strongest I've heard. For awhile that band was the perfect collision of people. That comes along so fucking rarely, we should all just appreciate the hell out of it, because we're not going to see it again for a long time. Axl could sing his ass off and looked pretty damn good in a kilt. Slash and Duff were the perfect foils for each other and the band in general, and Izzy and Steven and Gilby and Matt just worked too well, especially Izzy. I've seen every variation of GNR that has toured and even without anyone else, Axl can still rock any of the old songs. I love Axl and always will. I cut him slack on everything.... just because he's Axl.


8. Prince. Astoundingly talented. Prince has left me speechless a few times with some riff or turn of a lyric. The guy is just a genius. I can't say enough, so I just won't say any more.


This could go on a few more, but this is just way too long. Write your own reasons for Chris Whitley, early Aerosmith,Freddie Mercury, Johnny Thunders (especially him, since I don't really know why he's influenced me, I just know I buy his stuff when I get upset. I have a large collection), Tommy James, Courtney Love, the Bee Gees, Jack White, and Jeff Beck. For all you smart asses, I am 100% aware that Stiv Bators is NOT on this list. I didn't forget him, he just wasn't as influential as others.

later-
Me

You'll Be Missed

I Want Democracy

First, yes I am perfectly aware that I didn't title yesterday's post. It was just a quick observation, so I didn't bother to title it.

Today is a short and sweet post. 2008 wishes. For music. No personal thoughts whatsoever, except relating to the wishes on this list. I'll do a few more of these the next few weeks, but they won't be personal. My personal wishes for 2008 are just that, my personal wishes. This list is actually in some sort of order.

1. Chinese Democracy. Come the hell on already!!!! Yeah, most of us already have it, but still.... I'd like to be able to PURCHASE the damn album already.

2. A new Raconteurs album. Icky Thump was ok, but Broken Boy Soldier was amazing and those guys need to get together again. It's most likely not going to happen in 08, but I can hope.

3. Boy George needs to realize that he needs to really sing again. The whole dj thing is over and that man has a voice that deserves to be shared with the world. Cheapness and Beauty was a beautiful album and Boy needs to remember that his voice is his best asset and use it.

4. The Living Dead Lights disc needs to take off. All the other stuff I've heard from Alan Damien was pretty good, and he deserves the break.

5. Sebastian Bach's new disc needs to sell zillions, just so we can all remember where we came from. Bon Jovi going country just proves we need Bach back.

6. The Black Crowes should forget the whole jam band thing and go back to writing the great music that they used to.

7. Nikki Sixx should be named God. Ok, never going to happen, but I can hope.

8. I can't wait for the new Courtney Love album. I don't care how she releases it, just release it already!

9. I want to find a copy of Point Blank's Nicole. I had it once, but, it was lost in a computer crash.

10. Lots of good concerts from good bands! I want to see some shows this year!

Later-
me

I really wasn't planning on writing today. I don't have much going on, and I don't feel like babbling with no apparent point like I normally do. My mail doesn't get delivered to my house, so I go get it when I remember. Today there was something in there that just made me laugh.
It was a wedding invitation from someone I used to work with. To be completely honest, I don't even remember the person all that well, but that isn't the point. What struck me as funny was the invitation itself.
It looked like a normal invite, until you opened it and in big bold letters it said, "Please do not attend this wedding unless you have a good outlook on love and romance. We do not want our special day spoiled by bad vibes from our guests."
So, I chucked it. I have a good outlook on all that, but I can't promise to have a good outlook on that day. Anything can happen between then and now. I also thought about what would happen if someone accepted the invite and then was widowed, can they still go? Or what happens if a couple gets in an argument on the way, over directions or something else stupid, do they have to turn around and go home?
I know weddings are special days, but I was mildly offended by the amount of narcissism in that statement. Isn't marrying the person you love enough? Does looking out into the sea of faces ( and since they invited me and I barely remember this guy it obviously will be a sea.) and thinking that someone may not share their opinion of love ruin that day? I've gone to a wedding completely soured on love and romance, but was genuinely happy for the people getting married, and I don't recall spoiling their day. Shouldn't that be enough? Shouldn't you just be happy that these people showed up to share your happiness without telling them how to feel? All those who choose to attend, now also have to question their dates as well, to see how they feel about love and romance. I can just see that leading to some awkward conversations.
Is this some new trend in weddings that I've missed? I know there have been some strange new things that are now considered acceptable, but this just seems nuts.
Just wanted to share. No list....

later-
me

Just a quick update

According to most of the blogs I've been reading lately, I'm supposed to do some deep post on the new year or the end of the old year. That's not really my style. I could try, but it would sound really forced and fake, so why bother? I'd rather talk about things that I'm thinking about and since the new year isn't really much more than a change in the date I write on my checks, I'm not really thinking about it.
After a lot of going out in December, I've gone back to the comfort of seclusion. I got a lot accomplished in terms of things I needed to do, but I like hiding out a lot more. I was out one night and one bar led to another and I got to talk to someone who had crossed a physical boundary the last time I had seen him. I was a little bit scared, but then I went outside with him and we talked it out. I'm really proud of myself for forcing myself to be with him alone. I needed to do that, to get over the fear, and I succeeded.
I need to get out at least once in the near future, to see an old friend who I was talking about hanging out with one night this month. Neither of us is in a huge hurry to hang out, so I'll get around to it.
I'm truly enjoying the coziness of home. I've read some great books and caught up on a backlog of music I've been meaning to listen to. I was listening to the Faces box set the other night, and I remembered why I loved that band so much in the first place. I still have a huge backlog of dvds which is a great excuse to stay in for awhile, not that I've ever needed an excuse to stay in.
I have also been doing a lot of writing. It's a really remarkable feeling to be able to express things in a way that other people might want to read. There's been great feedback and I'm humbled by it in a way. Writing is a cheerfully secluded thing to do and that makes it even better for me. I enjoy being alone and just being able to take the time to work out exactly how I want to say things is a blast.
I've been also trying to quit smoking, but that has settled into just a dramatic reduction, rather than quitting. I've gone from over two packs a day to less than one. Seems like a good start, and by my birthday, I should finally have stopped for good.
The phone has been quiet as well. There's a few new people calling and messaging, but a few have dropped off. That's good. My best text message buddy has dropped, and I miss him, but my former favorite phone buddy is gone and I don't miss him, so I think that's balance of some sort. Maybe that's part of the new year thing, but since there is now occasional variations, it's good.
So, basically life is good and quiet. I know there's going to be drama soon, because there always is and life is weird without it, but for now, it's just a great time to soak up the peace and quiet.
I'll throw on a list of what was on my ipod while I was writing this, but not as a memory thing. I'll do a shuffle post sometime this week.

later-
Me

1. Bus Stop-The Hollies
2. I'm A Believer-The Monkees
3. You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record)-Dead Or Alive
4. (Love Is) A Bitchslap-Sebastian Bach
5. Brown Sugar-The Rolling Stones
6. Offend In Every Way-The White Stripes
7. Twist My Sister-Murderdolls
8. Over and Over-Madonna
9. Porno Star-Buckcherry
10. Frankie-D Generation
11. Parental Guidance-Judas Priest
12. Strip-Adam Ant
13. My Sharona-The Knack